pants: PRICKS OF MASS DISTRACTION THAT'S FOR SURE pants: I SAID **DISTRACTION** pants: BOMB GOES OFF ALL LIFE EXTERMINATED DOMINANT POPULATION IS NOW RABBITS THERE IS NO GOD WE ARE ALL MULCH FOREVER

spigot: WOULD YOU DESCRIBE JERKCITY AS: spigot: (A) PHAT spigot: (B) DOPE spigot: (C) FLY spigot: (D) TWITPIC spigot: (E) STRAIGHT UP spigot: (F) IDIOTIC

pants: THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD AND HE IS PUTTING HIS FINGERS IN MY RECTUM RIGHT NOW deuce: HE IS A MERCIFUL GOD deuce: BUT REALLY LIKES FINGER CRAMMING FOR SOME REASON pants: HE IS LOVE deuce: GOD IS LOVE (AND ANAL PROBING) pants: ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE RABBIT GOD FROM WATERSHIP DOWN deuce: UH

pants: SHITTING MYSELF deuce: IT WAS MY BALLS pants: THERE, DONE pants: WISH I HAD A NAPKIN deuce: DEFINITELY MY BALLS

deuce: POKE POKE POKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE pants: MY ALONE TIME deuce: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHERE'S MY STATUS REPORT pants: NOTHING !!! I'M WRAPPING YOUR PRESENT !!! DON'T COME IN deuce: HURGLE BURGLE pants: THERE'S A BEE IN HERE !!!

spigot: VVVVVVVVGRGRGRGRGRRGRGRG spigot: SORRY WHAT spigot: GCKG GCK GCK KGCKCGKC OH THERE'S A FORK IN THERE

spigot: i'm a bearded 20-something reminding folks there's more to comics than superheroes spigot: "toon" in each day to fuck my face

atandt: I LIKE IKE atandt: HE LIKES IKE atandt: WE LIKE IKE atandt: THEY LIKE IKE atandt: WE ALL LIKE IKE

deuce: HUCKLEBUCK pants: HUCKLEBUCK pants: GOO

spigot: waiter there's a condom in my diarrhea spigot: these are the jokes you fucking queers spigot: can i get a bigger mic

atandt: YOU THERE. NO PUKING ON YOUR SHOES

spigot: YOU GOT YOUR BOXES HERE, YOUR GADGETS THERE spigot: AN APPLE MONITOR BOX FOR A NIGHT STAND spigot: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I CAN GET UP IN PITCH DARKNESS AND KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THE ALLEN WRENCHES ARE pants: THESE ARE THE TIMES THAT TRY MEN'S SOULS

spigot: TWO SEPERATE AND EQUALLY IMPORTANT BALLS pants: AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

spigot: I'M A SKILLED IMMIGRANT WITH A TIE AND A RESUME AND A DREAM deuce: GREAT THESE ARE TOMATOES AND THERE'S THE TRUCK spigot: WHERE IS MY FUCKING NOBEL PRIZE deuce: IN THE APPLE TREE spigot: EXCITEMENT IN THE MOUTH

deuce: LOOK GUYS THESE BEAUTIFUL LADYBOYS ARE NOT GOING TO BEAT THEMSELVES OFF deuce: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE deuce: OH deuce: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH deuce: I AM SO SORRY

atandt: T DEUCE I OFFER THESE CHEESE FRIES TO YOU AS A PEACE OFFERING atandt: T DEUCE PLEASE ACCEPT THEM IN GOOD FAITH deuce: T ATANDT REJECTED OUT-OF-HAND atandt: T PANTS I OFFER THESE CHEESE FRIES TO YOU AS A PEACE OFFERING pants: T ATANDT YAY YUM CHOMP SLOBBER DUH

spigot: THESE DICKS AND PRICKS ARE TURNING ME INTO SOMEONE I JUST DON'T LIKE VERY MUCH pants: I CAN LIVE WITH THAT

spigot: THESE FINE WINES GO TO TABLE FIVE - DON'T YOU SPILL A PRECIOUS DROP pants: JEAN-CHARLES, NO, WE WILL BE HUNG AT SUNRISE IF YOU spigot: NOT ON THE ROLLER SKATES JEAN-CHARLES YOU ARE A DISGRACE pants: DER FUHRER'S WIFE ??? THE FIRING SQUAD ??? JEAN-CHARLES spigot: THE CHANDALIER WILL SURELY FALL UNLESS YOU LET GO spigot: NO JEAN-CHARLES YOU KLUTZ, THAT IS THE POISONED CROUTON pants: YOU BUMBLING IMBECILE, YOU HAVE TRACKED MUD ALL OVER THE PALACE pants: YOU MUST CLEAN UP BEFORE THE KING WAKES FROM HIS ROYAL NAP

deuce: LEARNING TO LOVE AGAIN pants: WHO IS TEACHING YOU THESE HORRIBLE THINGS deuce: HE WANTS ME TO CALL HIM "DADDY"

deuce: MY PENIS IMPLANT IS COMPOSED OF ADAMANTIUM

spigot: DO OTHER COUNTRIES THINK IT'S FUNNY TO PLACE [UNITED STATES] IN ITS ALPHABETICAL POSITION IN A COUNTRY POP-UP INSTEAD OF AT INDEX NUMBER 1 WHERE IT BELONGS NO MATTER WHAT deuce: PARENTS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

spigot: decapitating new horizon spigot: placing the radioisotope thermoelectric generator in nasa's bed spigot: i assume they all wake up together ???? spigot: get oort of my cloud spigot: whapping them all with my kuiper belt

spigot: YOU'VE HEARD OF HOT CROSS BUNS WELL spigot: HOW ABOUT HOT CROSS :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2: WANGS :POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: spigot: :BOOM: `BZZT` OW MY GOD

pants: T DEUCE THE ORANGE ONES BITE (THE GOLD ONES DO NOT (GENERALLY)) deuce: T PANTS BUT IS THAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN TRAINED OR BECAUSE THEY ARE NATURALLY LIKE THAT BEFORE THEY ARE SPRAYPAINTED pants: T DEUCE CHECK WITH THE BELLHOP OR SOMETHING

: [GAY UNDERWEAR SEX]

deuce: LET'S YOU AND ME TALK ABOUT A FUCKIN' OSTRICH pants: THEY BITE AND CLAMP

dick: THEY CALL IT CHEESE, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT IT TASTES LIKE

deuce: ARE YOU A PAGE 3 GIRL pants: I CONTINUE TO SUBMIT MY SELFIES BUT THEY DO NOT REPLY

pants: MATTHEW DRUDGE TRIED TO TOUCH MY ASS deuce: WELCOME TO THE CLUB deuce: HE ACTUALLY EXPOSED HIMSELF TO ME pants: 100,000,000,000,000 MEMBERS STRONG (HE WENT TO OTHER WORLDS) deuce: RECRUITING AND FEELING UP THE CITIZENS OF PROXIMA CENTAURI IV pants: THEY HATE IT BUT BEING BALLS OF PURE ENERGY THEY CAN'T DO MUCH ABOUT IT

pants: THEY HUDDLE AROUND ME AND FORCE ME TO SUCK deuce: T PANTS I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULDN'T TAKE OUR CONVERSATIONS INTO PUBLIC WITHOUT COMPLETE AUTHORIZATION

pants: T DEUCE THEY MADE MY DICK DRINK PAINT pants: WHITE PAINT deuce: UH pants: IT DRINKS ANYTHING YOU DIP IT IN

spigot: THEY SHOULD MAKE PORN FOR GUYS

spigot: IS THAT ANY WAY TO BEHAVE deuce: THEY WILL PAY FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE deuce: WITH THE BLOOD OF THEIR CHILDREN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! deuce: T SPIGOT UH deuce: T SPIGOT HI deuce: T SPIGOT WHAT HAPPENED

: We now return to this week's episode of Spigot the Bear, already in progress. pants: THEY'LL NEVER WAKE US IN TIME!!! spigot: LOGGING IN AND LOGGING OUT REPEATEDLY IS THE CLOSEST I'LL EVER GET TO SEX

spigot: please stop asking which folder contains blacked waifus spigot: they're all right there on the desktop

spigot: THEY'RE CALLED TRAPS BECAUSE IF YOU LOAD UP ON DICK YOU DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR DINNER

spigot: TIME TO HIT THE ROAD spigot: HIT THE BONG spigot: HIT THE PORN spigot: AND HIT THE SACK spigot: SECRETLY I'M GOING TO BEAT OFF IN THE CAR

pants: PUNCH IT pants: PUT A CLOTHESPIN ON IT pants: STUFF IT UNDER THE SINK pants: SPIN IN AROUND REAL FAST-LIKE pants: MAKE IT SIT IN THE BACK SEAT pants: CHOP IT UP, PUT IT IN THE STEW pants: HANG IT UNTIL DEAD pants: DIP IT IN THE CREEK

spigot: CORONAVIRUS HAS MADE US ALL THINK TWICE ABOUT LICKING TOILET SEATS IN AN AIRPORT BATHROOM

pants: GOD LOVES DICKS deuce: T PANTS ACTUALLY I DON'T THINK HE'S VERY FOND OF THEM pants: T DEUCE ACTUALLY I THINK HE IS deuce: T PANTS YEAH OKAY I THINK WE'RE THINKING OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE pants: T DEUCE ROBES, LONG FLOWING WHITE HAIR AND BEARD, ROBES, DEEP VOICE, REALLY INTO PISS ??? deuce: T PANTS I'M THINKING OF THE OLDER BROTHER ON DIFFER'NT STROKES

pants: I GOT TO THIRD BASE WITH YOUR MOUTH deuce: IS THIRD BASE THE ONE WHERE I NEED AN AIDS TEST OR WHAT ?!!??

pants: I CAN'T ACCEPT A THIRD-PARTY CHECK SIR spigot: BUT IT HAS THE HAMBURGLAR ON IT

pants: WATCHING YOU PEOPLE EAT DICK IS THIRSTY WORK

pants: I LICKED SIXTY-TEN DICKS TODAY pants: FORTY-ORANGE OF THEM BEFORE BREAKFAST !!! deuce: YOU ARE NOT MEETING YOUR QUOTA (PURPLE)

spigot: choke down this absolute unit

deuce: YOU ARE A STUPID FUCKING WOMAN AND SHUT UP

pants: HUFF FROM THIS BAG spigot: HOW MANY GOSH DARN pants: AND THIS RAG spigot: HANG ON pants: HELLO spigot: WE'RE DOIN' ALL WE CAN

deuce: KILL THEM ALL spigot: nothing makes a problem go away faster than replying with a paste of my vacation responder spigot: guess he won't be back until (squints) the spring pants: this bucket hat will never not be cool

deuce: GOES ON FOR HOURS pants: A FILLIBUSTER EH pants: THIS CALLS FOR ... COCKSUCKING deuce: GLHGALH GAHLAGLH GALHGAL HAGLHGAHAG

atandt: ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS atandt; CARRY ONLY AUTHORIZED JERKCITY MERCHANDISE

pants: /NICK DOCTORWHO pants: /NICK DRWHO pants: /NICK DR_WHO deuce: THIS CHANNEL SUCKS pants: /NICK D0CT0R_WH0 GODDAMNIT pants: /NICK DOCWHO

deuce: SHUT atandt: I REALLY LIKE THIS CHAT THING

pants: I DON'T GET TODAY'S EPISODE pants: AND I'M IN IT deuce: I'M IN YOU pants: THIS COMIC SUCKS

pants: JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS CORNY DREAM deuce: I MASTURBATE FREQUENTLY

spigot: YAY WE'RE TOGETHER spigot: FUCKING BE GAY WITH ME OR GET OUT deuce: I'M NOT GAY (REALLY) spigot: THAT IS QUITE FRANKLY TOO MUCH URINE FOR ONE FACE

: ON TEH LEFT, SPIGOT TEH BEAR. ON TEH RITE: DEUCE (DO NOT LET HIM NOM ON YOU) spigot: I SURE AM GAY THIS FINE MORNING deuce: I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME spigot: MUST BE GAY SPORES IN THE AIR OR SOMETHING deuce: SOMEBODY FLUSH US PLEASE

pants: GONNA MAKE LOVE TO A FROG pants: THIS FROG pants: WAIT COME BACK

effigy: WWWDDWWAAAAAWWDDWWAAAWWWSS effigy: THIS GAME SUX :: LEFT THE ROOM.

pants: PLANTS pants: ANIMALS pants: MINERALS pants: COCKS deuce: THIS GAME OF 20 QUESTIONS NEEDS SERIOUS MODIFICATION

spigot: CHECK OUT THIS GROCERY BASKET (CAN'T UNDO BELT) NVM

: Jerkcity is available for your viewing pleasure on the world wide web at www.jerkcity.com. spigot: FOLKS WHAT'S FRENCH AND TAKES SHITS AND LICKS DICKS ???!?? spigot: ---> MOI <--- spigot: OKAY OKAY WHAT'S GOT A BUNCH OF COLONS AND LIKES TO BEAT OFF AND HIT WOMEN?????????? spigot: :::::: THIS GUY ::::::

deuce: I WOULD LIKE TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT JESUS DOES IN FACT LOVE ME (THIS I KNOW) net: HOW deuce: T NET FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO (DUH)

spigot: 🎶 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶 NOW THIS IS A STORY / ALL ABOUT HOW 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶 🎵 spigot: 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶 🎵 I SUCKED A FEW DICKS / IN THE STALL JUST NOW 🎶 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶 spigot: THE END pants: WAIT I CAN BEATBOX

atandt: THIS IS A TEST atandt: LAUHGLUAHGLUAHLUAG atandt: DONE

pants: I'LL SUCK OFF EACH AND EVERY LAST ONE OF YAS pants: WHY THIS IS AN OUTRAGE pants: ALL I CAN DO IS STAND HERE WITH MY TEETH CLENCHED

atandt: WELCOME TO BONEQUEST: THE DAILY ADVENTURES OF PANTS, DEUCE, SPIGOT AND ME, ATANDT pants: UM I atandt: SHUT UP atandt: SHUT THE FUCK UP pants: ALL RIGHT THEN

pants: I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS

pants: buster cunt deuce: did not copy your last effigy: I DEMAND HOT DOGS FOR LUNCH deuce: BUSTER CUNT 2 THIS IS HOT DOG ACTUAL pants: i'll meet ya out back deuce: ja, ja

pants: PHONE IT IN pants: BUT DON'T PICK UP pants: LET THE MACHINE GET IT

pants: BUT FIRST THE NEWS pants: IN TODAY'S HEADLINES pants: LKSDFJLSDF JSODF* AGLIHALG JO)&DFY YUAGHALG O*FY SOPDFHS (D*F HSODFBSL

deuce: SET CONDITION 1SQ FOR STRATEGIC MISSILE LAUNCH deuce: THE RELEASE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS HAS BEEN AUTHORIZED deuce: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

pants: HURF BURF METAFILTER DISCUSSION pants: ANIMAL CROSSING IS MAKING ME GAY (SOMEHOW) pants: [REDACTED] EATEN, MINIFIGS IN MY [REDACTED]

spigot: I DISLIKE THE BITING spigot: BUT I DON'T MIND THE CLAMPING spigot: HOLDING MY BREATH UNTIL I'M GAY IN THE FACE

pants: THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM -- THIS IS ONLY A TEST pants: HALGHALGHLAHGLAHGLHALAG pants: THIS IS ONLY A TEST

spigot: SO UTTERLY JIBBER-JABBERY WITH POINTLESS TALK I CAN BARELY ENJOY MY ICE CREAM

pants: THIS IS TAKING FOREVER HUFF PUFF BUHH WISH HE'D JIZZ SOON MUP MUP deuce: T PANTS I'M NEXT pants: T DEUCE BUT IF THIS ISN'T YOUR DICK THEN pants: T DEUCE UH OH pants: T DEUCE YOU'RE STILL GOING TO PAY FOR THIS RIGHT

pants: this is the life huh

pants: KILL/SLF/DR HELP/ME/KILL/MYSELF GAS/CHAMBER AEIOUR/DAYS/QUESTIONSABLE EVERYY/WAKING MOMENT/IM/ALIVE MY/PRIDE/LOST I/CANT/GO ON/LIVING/IN/THIS/WAY KILLING/PEOPLE/I/HAV/KILLD pants: SO/MANY/PEOPLE/CANT/HELP/MYSELF M/SO/ANGRY I/COULD/DO/MY/THING/IM/ALONE IN/THIS/WORLD MY/WHOLE/LIFE FUL/O/LIES/IM/UNABLE/TO/STOP pants: BY/THE/TIME/YOU/SOLVE/THIS/I/WILL/HAV/KILLD ELEVEN/PEOPLE PLEASE/HELP/ME/STOP/KILLING/PEOPLE PLEASE/MY/NAME/IS/PANTS/FROM/JERKCITY

spigot: this is the zodiac speaking spigot: guess we're playin' phone tag

pants: CLEAN UNDERPANTS AND GAY DICKS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE deuce: WUHHHHHHHHH pants: T DEUCE YOUR LINE IS "OUTSTANDING" deuce: T PANTS MY INTEROCITER IS MALFUNCTIONING

pants: LIGHT MY DICK ON FIRE AND TAKE A PUFF deuce: IS IT AN INTOXICANT pants: PROBABLY deuce: GONNA NEED A MORE DEFINITE ANSWER THAN THAT pants: AUDIENCE BOOS deuce: REQUIRE PEER-REVIEWED STUDIES deuce: WITH CONTROLLED DOUBLE-BLIND EXPERIMENTS pants: YOU'LL LOOK COOL WITH IT IN YOUR MOUTH deuce: WELL I'M CONVINCED POK POK POK POK deuce: THIS ISN'T DOING SHIT POK POK POK POK

spigot: EXCITED ABOUT THE BATTER-COATED BURGER KING FRIES pants: T SPIGOT ARE THEY COMPATIBLE WITH MY EXISTING BONGS AND LIGHTERS

net: BUT WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER pants: YOU FUCKED HIM WITH THE BUNNY AND IT MELTED BWAAAHHHH (SAD) deuce: NOT RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE I FROZE IT FIRST pants: I'M SURE YOU GOT A GOOD 20-30 MINUTES OF FROZEN BUNNY FUCKING IN deuce: REALLY 10-15 BUT WHO CARES I'M FUCKING YOU NEXT BITCH

spigot: AREA MAN LIKES DICK

pants: IF I WERE A NEWSCASTER I'D BE STONE D. PHILLIPS

atandt: I DECOMISSIONED V2S AT PENNEMUNDE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T SHIRT

atandt: THIS MAGIC SHOW IS SERIOUSLY MAKING MY NUTS ACHE spigot: T SIR YOU ARE GIVING AWAY HOW THE BOX WORKS

spigot: I'M A *********REAR********** ADMIRAL!!!!!!!!!!!

deuce: PLEASE DO THESE STEPS IN THE FOLLOWING ORDER: deuce: 1. SHUT UP deuce: 2. GET THE FUCK OUT

spigot: OH BOY HERE'S SPIGOT AGAIN spigot: WHO'S GAY THIS MORNING spigot: LET'S NOT ALWAYS SEE THE SAME SHOES spigot: CHOKING DOWN THE DELIVERABLES

pants: THIS MOUTH KILLS FASCISTS pants: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK pants: HOMPTH ATE A TOAD

: INSTRUCTIONS : DEUCE (LEFT) DO NOT FEED; SPIGOT (RIGHT) LIKES PANCAKES W/BLUEBERRY COMPOTE : SPIGOT LEAVES : SPIGOT RETURNS : SPIGOT SPURTS AND REWINDS deuce: HOLY spigot: LOVELY

: INSTRUCTIONS DEUCE (LEFT) DO NOT FEED; SPIGOT (RIGHT) LIKES PANCAKES W/ BLUEBERRY COMPOTE spigot: KNOCK KNOCK deuce: WHO'S THERE spigot: MY BONER (RUNNING AWAY) pants: WHO'S THERE (LATE FOR THE PARTY)

pants: THINK OF ME AS A MOOD RING FOR DICKS pants: MMMMMMMMMMMM THIS ONE SEEMS HAPPY pants: HMMMM MMMMMMHMH MHMMMMM MMMMMM THIS ONE IS A LITTLE BLUE

spigot: TO THE TUNE OF THAT VANILLA ICE SONG: DOON DOON DOON DOODLE OON DOON / LICKING / DICK / IN THE CRAPPER

spigot: THIS PLACE IS A DUMP spigot: I'D BETTER HANG UP ONE OF MY FLAGS spigot: NOW THAT REALLY GAYS THE PLACE UP

spigot: T PANTS WILL YOU PROMISE ME YOU'LL WATCH TWIN PEAKS AT LEAST THROUGH EP 8 spigot: AND WILL YOU WEAR THIS PROMISE RING spigot: YOUR ROBE IS SLIGHTLY OPEN FYI

spigot: THIS SUPERIOR COURT OF LOS ANGELES IN THE ABOVE ENTITLED ACTION DOES HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO RAY DONOVAN: THE MOVIE