pants: I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE DINOSAURS pants: ME SO SCREAMY SHOUT pants: I NEED YOU TO HOLD STILL I CAN'T GET OUT FROM UNDER THE SINK WITHOUT YOUR HELP (OKAY, HERE WE GO)

pants: I'M GOING TO BE IN THE GLORY HOLE OLYMPICS spigot: GO FOR THE GOLD pants: RUN FOR THE ROSES

pants: T R A N N YV I S I O N deuce: HEY CHECK OUT MY DICK: :FLAMINGO:

pants: i want to be a woman spigot: unsubscribe pants: are you sure you want to unsubscribe from trannypants season 1 spigot: yes i would like to unsubscribe pants: no problem, it will take 7-10 business days spigot: fine pants: ... spigot: ... pants: Trannypants now streaming on Netflix, Amazon Prime

spigot: FOR THE LAST TIME I DID NOT USE YOUR TOWEL

atandt: OM atandt: OM HUALGHLAHGULAHULAG atandt: OM

atandt: IS THIS YOUR ISSUE OF ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN pants: I DON'T ALWAYS EJACULATE WHEN GRANDMA GOES DOWN ON ME AND FOR THIS REASON I CANNOT SAY atandt: DID YOU SLIP A BADLY RETARDED, POORLY DRAWN NOTE UNDER MY DOOR pants: I CAN'T EVEN GET HARD SMOKING CRACK IN CHURCH atandt: "DEAR JERKCITY, WORK-STOPPAGE UNTIL I KNOW MARY-JANE IS SAFE, LOVE PANTS" pants: THE GOBLIN TOOK HER

pants: THE POO BUCKET IS FULL deuce: WHATEVER YOU DO,DON'T EMPTY IT deuce: (BECAUSE THEN IT WILL NO LONGER BE FULL) pants: IF I TRANSFER THE CONTENTS TO ANOTHER BUCKET WILL YOU PLEASE WATCH ME BEAT OFF ON CAM

pants: GET READY GET SET AND SUCK pants: I KNOW HOW GAY YOU PEOPLE ARE SO STOP TRYING TO HIDE IT PLEASE pants: YOUR MOUSTACHERY AND LEATHERWEARERY ARE SO TRANSPARENT

deuce: TOUCHING WANGS pants: TRANSPORTER ACCIDENTS deuce: DEFORMED DICKS pants: SQUIRT THEM WITH LIGHTER FLUID AND BURN THEM DOWN deuce: HAIRSPRAY AND A LIGHTER pants: NAPALM STICKS TO LITTLE GIRLS

deuce: T PANTS I'M THE FAG WITH THE GAS pants: T DEUCE TRAP IT IN A GARBAGE BAG AND I WILL BE RIGHT OVER

spigot: AIDS ?!?!?!?!?!?!?! deuce: AIDS ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! spigot: PRETEND I'M PAUL FROM THE DIAMOND CENTER AND YOU NEED CREDIT AND I SPURT IN YOUR FACE deuce: NO (T SPIGOT WHAT TIME AND WHERE) spigot: PRETEND I'M TOM SHANE OF THE SHANE COMPANY AND YOU NEED ME TO GO TO ANTWERP, BELGIUM AND BE PROACTIVE WITH MY FACE AND NUTS deuce: NO (T SPIGOT SERIOUSLY WHAT FUCKING TIME)

pants: I'M A TRAP deuce: USING YOU TO CAPTURE RODENTS, SNAKES pants: I AM NOT REALLY THAT EFFECTIVE

spigot: WHO THREW MY PISSICLES IN THE TRASH CAN

katrina: WHAT'S THIS IN MY INBOX? pants: OH GOD YOU SCARED ME katrina: >> AFRICAN TREE FROGS FOR SALE pants: INDEED MADAME, I AM SELLING ALL MY AFRICAN TREE FROGS katrina: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME? pants: BECAUSE YOU'RE ON MY AFRICAN TREE FROG MAILING LIST!!! katrina: WHO PUT ME THERE? pants: I DID katrina: WELL I'D APPRECIATE YOU NOT SPAMMING ME ANY FURTHER !!!! katrina: GOOD DAY SIR pants: GOOD DAY pants: SUBJECT: $$$$$ AMERICA IS K-RAZY FOR TREE FROGS $$$$$$$$

pants: I’M TRY-SEXUAL!!!!!! BECAUSE I’M A CONVICTED PEDOPHILE deuce: GET IT??? I **TRY-ED** EVERYTHING AND PAID THE PRICE OF INCARERATION AND HAVING TO REGISTER WHENEVER I MOVE BETWEEN STATES pants: JACKOFF POLICE pants: I JUST HAD SURGERY AND I’M NOT ALLOWED TO SUCK ANY SWEATY BROWN DICKS

spigot: WHEN I CLICKED FOR MY TRIAL ISSUE OF YAHOO INTERNET LIFE I DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE DELIVERED STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH WITH YOUR BONER (THOSE ANTICS ARE EXACTLY WHY I HOPE TO SOMEDAY LEAVE AOL) pants: NETCOM IS NO BETTER LET ME TELL YOU

deuce: WHEN I JERK OFF I FEEL GOOD FOR ABOUT TWENTY SECONDS AND THEN WHAM IT'S RIGHT BACK INTO SUICIDAL DEPRESSION

pants: JUST TOOK A HUGE SHIT AND I FEEL BETTER NOW pants: ASK ME ANYTHING spigot: WOULD YOU LIKE MORE PANCAKES pants: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TRICK QUESTION

pants: do all girls like having their dicks sucked or was i tricked again deuce: wait are we deuce: checks books, types things into an adding machine, writes down shit with pencil deuce: nope that checks out

pants: ARE YOU A WIENER DOG pants: ARE YOU pants: TRIGGER WARNING: FOG HORNS

atandt: VOTE DONG atandt: I KEEP PRAYING FOR THE DAY THE BONEQUEST PORTCULLIS RAISES TO REVEAL MY GAYNESS deuce: HONK WUH DUH atandt: SHOUTS: THAT'S A TRIPLE WORD SCORE

pants: JIFFY PISS deuce: PUFFY TITS pants: THEN I DREAMED I WAS DRIVING A 1958 TRIUMPH TR-3 AROUND IN LONDON AND ALL I'M WEARING IS COLORFUL UNDEROOS BUT I CAN'T QUITE MAKE OUT WHICH CARTOON CHARACTER IT IS AND I'M DRIVING AND I'M DRUNK deuce: T PANTS I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD THAT DREAM

pants: "TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM" deuce: "YOU ARE DEFINITELY GAY" pants: "AIDS IS WHAT YOU HAVE NOW" deuce: "YOLO, HOMO" pants: WE WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY GOOD AT NAMING TV EPISODES: M.A.S.H., FANTASY ISLAND deuce: WEST WING

spigot: MAYBE THE JURY CAN ASK WHY THERE WERE TROPICAL DRINKS ON THE CRUISE SHIP deuce: I'M INVOKING MY SEVENTH AMENDMENT RIGHT TO BE AN EVEN BIGGER JACKASS AND PUBLIC FAILURE THAN I ALREADY WAS

spigot: WHENEVER THERE'S TROUBLE spigot: URF GUH RUNNING TO THE TOILET

pants: first let me put on this dress spigot: i'm sorry i'm having trouble concentrating and i think maybe it's the dress (that dress) spigot: can we spigot: how about pants: but i spigot: let's maybe can we pause doing the lipstick spigot: i have to take this (hello) walks out of the room pants: the perfect smokey black eyeshadow, lashes to die for

spigot: HAVE YOU TRIED TAKING THE PENIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND PUTTING IT BACK IN AGAIN spigot: TAKE IT OUT AND TRY WAITING 15 SECONDS AND THEN PUT IT BACK IN

bung: I REALLY THINK THE DICK DISPENSER IS BROKEN pants: TRY THE RED BUTTON bung: IT JUST GOES "CLICK" AND THEN NOTHING pants: I MAY HAVE BURNED IT OUT

atandt: INSERT QUARTER atandt: INSERT ANOTHER QUARTER atandt: PLUG IN MACHINE atandt: KICK MACHINE deuce: SUCK ALL THE DICKS atandt: THAT WORKS

bung: JERKCITY IS REFUSING FTP CONNECTIONS FROM OUTSIDE pants: AND THE INSIDE TOO

spigot: ALL I REMEMBER IS HOW MY ASS AND MOUTH AND LEGS HURT AND THAT IT WAS TRUCK MONTH AT MY NORTHERN CALIFORNIA MAZDA DEALER

deuce: TRUCK REQUIRED FOR TRANSPORT pants: FEELIN' FISTY pants: TRAILS OFF pants: FALLS ASLEEP, DREAMS OF SMOOSHY POO

spigot: trucks and detours and jackhammering at 3am while installing my star on the bonequest walk of fame spigot: F A G F A C E spigot: that wascally wapist

deuce: IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, HOLLOW IT OUT AND FUCK IT

pants: I LICK DICK deuce: 10-4 GOOD BUDDY

atandt: I FOUND A LIZARD SQUISHED BETWEEN TWO PIECES OF PLYWOOD TODAY

pants: I JUST ATE AN ENTIRE ANGEL FOOD CAKE

spigot: GARK GARK GARK GARK GLK BLK BLTH

pants: DID YOU INVENT ME deuce: NO, BUT I INVENTED A CRUCIAL BIT OF YOU (THE SECOND COOLED CONTAINER THAT MAKES THE STEAM ENGINE TRULY EFFICIENT) pants: WOW

pants: I'M NOT DEFEATED YET pants: OH WAIT YES I AM pants: SCHIZOPHRENIA

spigot: LET'S BE RENAISSANCE FAGS spigot: MY LORD THY FACE IS TRULY JIZZWORTHY deuce: THIS TIME I GET TO BE THE TIMELORD deuce: YOU CAN BE ONE OF THE WOMEN SIDEKICKS spigot: LEELA

pants: TRUNKLOAD OF AUTOMATIC WEAPONS VS HIPPIE ZOMBIE ARMY pants: WHO WINS ???? deuce: THE PLANET pants: YAY!!!!!

pants: do u even kno how 2 jack me off deuce: no pants: well good pants: trust but verify

deuce: I'VE INJECTED YOU WITH TRUTH SERUM pants: ARE YOU SURE (I DON'T FEEL TRUTHY) pants: TAKIN' A SHIT ON FIRST BASE, SECOND BASE, THIRD BASE (UP ALL NIGHT AGAIN) deuce: SORRY THIS IS THE BASEBALL-DIAMOND SHITTING DRUG deuce: HOLD ON (FUMBLES WITH VIALS)

spigot: WELL I DISAGREE spigot: SEND spigot: SEND MESSAGE spigot: TEXT spigot: PORNOGRAPHY spigot: PORNOGRAPHY ON SCREEN spigot: PUT PORNOGRAPHY ON THE PORNOGRAPH spigot: SEND DICK PIC

dick: T PANTS YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH DICKS pants: HOW ABOUT CITY HALL

spigot: TRY AS I MIGHT I JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN AWAY THESE COCKS spigot: I'LL JUST CHALK IT UP TO INEXPERIENCE spigot: MY MOUTH IS SORE, YES, BUT I'LL HAVE NO MORE CURIOSITY ABOUT THIS BIZARRE COVER-UP spigot: ALSO MY MOUTH IS NOT A COIN-OP spigot: I'M NOT ON HERE FOR MY HEALTH YOU DUMB FUCKS spigot: ARRRRRR I'M PEG-LEG PETE spigot: ALL RIGHT PANSY PETE spigot: DOWN AND OUT IN JERKCITY

spigot: I'M GOING TO HOPE SHE DOESN'T TAKE MY MAN JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN pants: MAYBE IF WE ASK NICELY

pants: I SMELL OF BLEACH

spigot: T DEUCE IF I WERE YOUR "DADDY" I WOULD HIT YOUR MOTHER REGARDLESS OF ANY OTHER GAY THEMES deuce: T SPIGOT THAT SOUNDS FAIR spigot: KNOW WHAT ELSE I LIKE?!?!?!!?!? BIG DICKS!!!!!!! deuce: FAG spigot: SMALL DICKS!!!!!!!!11111 TRYING

spigot: LS -AL spigot: TRYING AGAIN spigot: LS -LA

pants: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK pants: STUPID BELL pants: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

deuce: URURURUR deuce: WHO'S UP FOR MY GANGBANGING pants: ARE WE TRYING FOR ANY PARTICULAR RECORDS TODAY

spigot: THESE SLACKS ARE TIGHT spigot: WIGGLE YOUR TOE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD spigot: YOU ARE HURTING ME deuce: STOP WITH THE KICKING

pants: DOES THIS COWBOY HAT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A TOTAL HOMO deuce: SHORT ANSWER, NO, LONG ANSWER, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pants: WHAT ABOUT THIS COWMAN HAT deuce: A LITTLE GAY, NOT TOTAL GAY pants: WHAT IF I MAKE THIS FACE deuce: PRETTY GAY, STILL NOT TOTAL GAY

spigot: TRYING TO FIST MYSELF AND FAILING spigot: TRYING AGAIN spigot: SOME SUCCESS

spigot: YAY FOR SPIGOT spigot: TIDDLY IDDLY HUP BUP spigot: TAPPA DAPPA DUMP spigot: TRYING TO FIT IN spigot: {{{{{{{{ BYE TO ALL MY ONLINE FRIENDS FOREVER }}}}}}}}}

pants: I WAS **NOT** "MOLESTING" THE BOY I WAS TRYING TO HELP HIM PUT HIS SHORTS BACK ON AND GET HIS COCK OUT OF MY MOUTH pants: JESUS CHRIST YOU PEOPLE SURE ARE FUCKING TOUCHY ABOUT YOUR KIDS pants: THEY CAN RUN AROUND THE SUPERMARKET AND PLAY BUT WAH WAH WAH IF I [REDACTED] JUST ONE OF THEM

SPIGOT: GURGLING PANTS: BURGLING AS WELL I HOPE DEUCE: ALGHALGHALGHALG HALHALGHLAHGLAHGLAHLAGALH (TRYING TO HELP BUT FAILING) PANTS: HULAGHALUGHLUAGH LAHGLHAGLHALGHLAG (APPRECIATING THE EFFORT)

spigot: LOWERING OURSELVES IN THROUGH THE BATHROOM SKYLIGHT pants: TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT HERE spigot: GOOD DAY TO YOU

spigot: I AM OPENING A LARGE-SIZE TSING-TAO deuce: PLEASE GO EASY ON IT (IT WILL ONLY GET ANGRY) spigot: THEIR SLOGAN SHOULD BE A CHINAMAN W/STRAW HAT: spigot: TSING TAO ?!?!?!? AND HAO !!!!!!!!

spigot: IT'S ALWAYS GIMME GIMME WITH FLOOD VICTIMS spigot: MMM URF SNICKERS spigot: MMMM HOMPH BOMPH THREE MUSKETEERS spigot: HUGHGHGHGHG FISTFULLS OF SKITTLES spigot: BUH MORE TWIX MUH BUH COOKIE CRUNCH

spigot: NO WAY IS THAT FRUIT ROLLED UP INTO A TUBE pants: YES WAY pants: FUCKING STUFFING IT INTO YOUR MOUTH pants: VERY UPSET HERE

deuce: WHO WANTS TO PLAY THE CUNT GAME pants: SHOOT THEM ALL deuce: MY ASS IS BLEEDING CHECK IT OUT (DROP PANTS, TURN AROUND, MOON) pants: OR WAVE IT AROUND A LITTLE deuce: DINGALINGALING pants: HELL JUST SHOW 'EM IT'S TUCKED INTO YOUR BELT

uncredited woman: OH GOD JUST TAKE MY PURSE DON'T RAPE ME pants: WHAT THE FUCK YOU TOTAL BITCH I JUST WANT A LIGHT

deuce: [CUT TO CLOCK ON THE WALL, HANDS SPINNING LIKE CRAZY] deuce: [CUT TO THE DEUCE IN A PILE OF HIS OWN VOMIT AND PISS, TUESDAY EVENING] deuce: UH WHAT WHERE WHAT DID I MISS deuce: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST HELP ME I HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM deuce: [CURTAIN]

atandt: TOOT TOOT pants: MAKE WAY FOR TUGBOAT

spigot: HUH GLUHDUH pants: ARE YOU OKAY ?!? DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE ?!?!?! TUG MY BALLS ONCE FOR YES TWICE FOR NO spigot: TUG TUG TUG TUG TUG TUG TUG TUG TUG TUG spigot: OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW pants: I DON'T KNOW MORSE CODE

pants: TOOT TOOT pants: I'M A TUGBOAT deuce: FUCKING YOUR TUGBOAT ASS pants: THAT IS NOT MY PURPOSE pants: I GUIDE LARGER SHIPS TO PORT deuce: IN YOUR TUGBOAT ASS

spigot: PUTTING POO IN THE TUPPERWARE deuce: THAT'S WHAT I USE TO FREEZE MY SQUIGGLIES

atandt: GODDAMNIT HOW DID YOU GET BACK HERE pants: DUMBWAITER

pants: ANYWAY I'LL BET $1 YOU CAN'T BEAT ME OFF pants: I WISH MY NAME WERE HAMISH pants: C'MON pants: TURN AROUND AND I'LL UNZIP YA pants: WHO WANTS TO HELP ME WASH MY HOODIES

pants: MOUSTACHE-RELATED INCIDENTS ON THE RISE pants: THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT THAT GETS YOU STONED pants: A JERKCITY FACEBOOK GROUP ????????? pants: PUTTING ALL OF YOU IN THE SUSPECTED HOMOSEXUALS COLUMN pants: THIS WILL NOT DO (FOLDS ARMS, POUTS) pants: TOO MUCH GRAVY AT ONCE pants: THIS TIME FOR SURE pants: TURN OFF THE BAT SIGNAL, BOYS, HE'S NOT COMING

atandt: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM spigot: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE atandt: CRASH SHATTER BOOM THUMP THUMP WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM pants: SIRS atandt: CLUNK BONK (SILENCE) (STATIC) pants: (GIVES UP) (TURNS OFF RADIO) (BONG NOISES FROM CLOSET)

atandt: SO GUYS -- YES OR NO ON THE GREY TURTLENECK? TOO FAGGY? deuce: IT VERIFIED THAT YOU'RE OLD atandt: SHIT

deuce: I'M GOING TO GET MY NAME LEGALLY CHANGED TO TUX bung: I'M GOING TO STUFF A PLUSH TUX DOLL RIGHT UP YOU! deuce: WELL STUFF SOMETHING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE

spigot: OKAY TV TIME spigot: HERE'S A SHOW CALLED THE DRINKING DRUNK GUY WHO NEVER SHUTS UP WHOSE NAME IS MY DAD spigot: THAT LOOKS GOOD

spigot: GOOD LORD spigot: TWELVE ANGRY MEN WITH AN AGENDA OF CHOKING ME AND GURGLING MY HEAD IN THE CRAPPER

spigot: GOD spigot: GRANT ME THE SERENITY spigot: TO LICK THE DICKS I HAVEN'T LICKED spigot: THE COURAGE spigot: TO LICK THE DICKS I CAN spigot: AND THE WISDOM spigot: TO LICK TWO OR THREE MORE DICKS BEFORE BEDTIME spigot: WELL MY NAME IS SPIGOT AND I'M A BIG DUMB DICKLICKER spigot: I'VE BEEN LICKING DICK SINCE OH I DON'T KNOW spigot: THE START OF THIS MEETING spigot: AND I DEFINITELY COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT THE PROGRAM

spigot: TWENTY PERCENT OFF ALL FAT FARTS AT THE FAG STORE

pants: WE LICK DICK IN THE 21ST CENTURY -- OR 22ND, WHICHEVER IS THE REALLY GAY ONE deuce: NO TALKING pants: I CANNOT LICK DICK AND THINK AT THE SAME TIME deuce: FFFFFFFF deuce: I WANT YOUR HAND TO REPORT TO MY CROTCH AT 2200 HOURS

spigot: ROUGHLY TEN MILLION CALORIES PER DAY spigot: HE SUCKS THE SAME DICK TWICE IN SUCCESSION YET PRODUCES TWO CLEARLY DIFFERENT TONES deuce: THE VERY DEFINITION OF INSANITY

spigot: DO I REALLY WANT TO DEFEND MYSELF USING THE WORD TWINK pants: YOUR TWINK DAYS ENDED IN 1995 pants: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO TWINKS AFTER THEY GRADUATE pants: I GUESS THEY GET PHDS

pants: ARE YOU IN A WIKIHOLE pants: DO YOU NEED HELP deuce: SHUT UP I'M DOING IMPORTANT RESEARCH pants: GODSPEED LITTLE CHICKEN pants: OPENING MY MOUTH WIDE pants: MAKING HISSING NOISES pants: MAYBE THERE'S A SNAKE INSIDE, MAYBE NOTHING

pants: BONERS LYING TWISTED AND BROKEN ON THE BATTLEFIELD pants: WHAT HAVE WE DONE pants: WHAT HAVE WE DONE

spigot: SO DAD WAS ALL: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!?!?!?!? spigot: AND I WAS ALL: I WANNA SUCK COCK!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: THEN I REALIZED I WANTED TO SAY "I WANNA ROCK" BUT IT WAS TOO LATE spigot: HBLURHLUBHRL

pants: I THOUGHT WE AGREED THE GAMING PC WOULD NOT BE USED FOR BEATING OFF deuce: UNF UNF UNFWE AGREEDNO SUCH THINGUNF UNF UNF pants: 9,000,000 VIEWERS deuce: OH GOD I LEFT TWITCH ON pants: OH WELL UNF UNF UNF deuce: HI EVERYBODY UNF UNF UNF

spigot: DROPPING TWO BALLS OF DIFFERENT WEIGHTS FROM THE SAME HEIGHT WILL STILL HURT spigot: A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME IS UP THE NUTS WITH A HARD KICKY PUNCH spigot: EUREKA THE SCIENTIST SHOUTED WHEN HIS FAT DOPEY ASS DISPLACED WATER FROM THE TUB ALL OVER MY DUMB NUTS AND FACE

pants: WE SHOULD GIVE UP deuce: PULL AND WANK ON IT deuce: IT TURNS YOUR PISS MILKY pants: AND ARRESTY

spigot: GET THE HELL OFF MY DONG (PUNCHING YOU) spigot: HURRR BEING CHASED BY TWO BIG BALLS DOWN A HILL spigot: WHERE CHASED = GETTING TEABAGGED I.E. YOUR NUTS ARE SLAPPING MY FOREHEAD

atandt: I HID A BOMB IN THE COFFEE SHOP SOMEWHERE IN SAN FRANCISCO spigot: I DRINK COFFEE AT HOME pants: *KABOOM* spigot: YOU TRICKED ME (FALLING FROM THE SKY) pants: *KABOOM* spigot: TWO BOMBS?!?!?!?!? (BACK UP IN THE AIR) pants: *KABOOM*

spigot: THE WORLD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO CATEGORIES: THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN STERILIZED AND THINGS THAT ARE "SUSPICIOUS"

pants: WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU HERE (PARKING LOT EMPTY, WINDOWS BOARDED UP, TWO DORKS IN SUITS) deuce: T PANTS THOSE ARE ALSO TWO PHOTOS OF FLOWERS pants: WHAT IS IT WITH THESE FLOWERS

pants: HAVING TWO DRINKS AND TWO SLICES OF PIZZA AND THEN GETTING IN BED spigot: STAY THERE UNTIL IT'S TIME FOR COFFEE IN THE MORNING