spigot: going to the bathroom on children will make america great again

deuce: I'm a fat fuck(tm) pants: do you also get tired performing simple tasks deuce: carrying slightly heavy things for a few minutes makes my shoulders, arms, and chest hurt and I want to die pants: you know what the worst thing in the world is????? going up stairs

deuce: CONFIRMING YOUR REGISTRATION... pants: CONFIRMING YOUR REGISTRATION (REPEATING WHAT YOU SAID, SMOOSHED UP FACE, HIGH VOICE, CONSENSUS: YOU ARE BEING MOCKED) deuce: ALTERNATE POSSIBILITY: SPEAKER IS SEVERELY RETARDED deuce: GOING WITH PRIMARY HYPOTHESIS

deuce: PISS / CRYSTALS pants: (TO THE TUNE OFTHE THEME TOGOLDFINGER) deuce: OR "MOON RIVER" pants: OOH I LIKE THAT(SUCKING MY OWN DICK) deuce: BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH pants: BWAAAH deuce: BROOOOOOOOOONG pants: (PINCHES BRIDGE OF NOSE) CAN WE PLEASE NOT FIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SEX WORKERS

spigot: ATTENTION ***LADIES*** spigot: YOU DON'T HAVE TO STUFF A SOCK IN YOUR BIKINI BOTTOM TO GET MY ATTENTION spigot: AT LEAST PUT THE SOCK IN FRONT

pants: I AM LIKE THE GOLDEN AGE SANDMAN IN THAT I WILL DRUG YOU BUT INSTEAD OF CREEPING AROUND AND JUSTIFYING MY FREAKY FETISH BY FIGHTING CRIME NOW AND THEN I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK, TAKE YOUR WALLET AND BLAME SOCIETY !!! NOW DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT I PUT IN YOUR DRINK

effigy: WHEN IS SOMEBODY GOING TO REBOOT GOLDEN GIRLS??? pants: EXCEPT WITH MEN pants: AND THEY’RE NOT OLD pants: AND THEY’RE DOIN’ IT

deuce: MAX HARDCORE'S GOLDEN GUZZLERS spigot: AVAILABLE AT IHOP ??????

pants: NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT YOUR GOLF CLUB spigot: HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY DAWKINS IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR KRAUSS deuce: KRAUSS TASTES LIKE DIRT deuce: WAIT I'M THINKING OF BRAZIL NUTS

deuce: it's more of a pencil dick pants: one of those little golf pencils, not a no 2 deuce: you will address me as sir pants: i thought you transitioned deuce: I did but that doesn't mean I wasn't knighted

spigot: WEIRD AL IS ***BACK***!!!!!!!!!! spigot: OKAY HE'S GONE AGAIN

pants: THE LITTLE TIVO GUY IN THE UPPER LEFT HAND CORNER OF THE SCREEN IS DRUNK (HE'S WOBBLING MORE THAN USUAL FOR A THURSDAY)

pants: HAVING MISTAKEN ALL AROUND HIM FOR A COFFEE SHOP HE TRIES TO ORDER THE BIGGEST FAGGIEST PINKEST DRINK POSSIBLE AND SUCCEEDS BEYOND HIS WILDEST DREAMS

pants: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT pants: CAN'T WE TAKE A DAY OFF ?!? pants: UP YOURS FAGGOT

spigot: I LIKE THE BONG BUT I PREFER THE PIPE

pants: DB<3> X $DATAGRAM pants: 0 'GAYNESS PERSONIFIED' pants: WELP THE DEBUGGER IS GOOD AND GAY NOW (AND HOW)

spigot: I CALL THEM "GOOD ATTITUDE SEEDS" AND YOU WATER THEM WITH EDUCATION!!!!!!

deuce: SPLURP deuce: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR/MADAME

spigot: PUTIN'S PEACEKEEPING TANKS spigot: THESE TWO COUNTRIES SHOULD MERGE ANYWAY SO THERE'S A SINGLE SOURCE OF PROSTITUTES (GOOD FOR CONSUMERS) pants: WHY ARE THEIR FACES WEIRD OR OFF UNCANNY VALLEY-STYLE spigot: WE ARE DEAD INSIDE LIKE ROBOT spigot: THEY PRONOUNCE IT ROBUT spigot: WE HAVE MATTRESS AND CAM

pants: GOOD GOD WATCH ME LICK DICK pants: NO CARRIER

deuce: BEAT ME OFF pants: RELEASE THE HOSTAGES FIRST deuce: NO PROMISES

spigot: yes, good hello i would like to report a coronavirus symptom spigot: there's a tingling sensation in my erectioNNNNNNNnnnn spigot: >>> ejaculates <<< spigot: ha ha you do phone sex spigot: clonk / ba-donk

spigot: ATHERTON RESIDENT, MASTURBATOR pants: GOD'S BUTTHOLE effigy: WELL GOOD MORNING ALL deuce: IT'S A MIGHTY FINE DAY FOR US TO FIGHT INFLATION deuce: WITH OUR FISTS

deuce: I GOTTA SHIT

pants: DICKS DICKS DICKS DICKS DICKS GOOD MORNING DICKS DICKS DICKS

deuce: I THINK IT'S TIME FOR BED pants: GOOD NIGHT FATNUTS spigot: GOOD NIGHT SHITBAG atandt: GOOD NIGHT FUCKFACE net: GOOD NIGHT GAY VITO caveman: UGGGGGH ozone: GOOD NIGHT YOU WEAK SISTER dick: GOOD NIGHT BITCHTITS effigy: GOOD NIGHT YOU BIG FUCKING IDIOT lobster: GOOD NIGHT HEATHEN bung: GOOD NIGHT BABY LOVE U deuce: FUCK ALL OF YOU

pants: I'M GOING TO BED pants: WAKE ME UP WHEN THE PROSTITUTES GET HERE deuce: THEN THAT WOULD TECHNICALLY QUALIFY AS A NAP pants: JUST WAKE ME IN TIME OTHERWISE YOU'RE MY PROSTITUTE deuce: ROGER THAT

deuce: COCKS pants: COCKS INDEED !!!!!! GOOD SIR I APPLAUD YOUR SUPPORT deuce: HANDLE ME pants: MANHANDLE OR JUST REGULAR HANDLE deuce: JUST GET DOWN ON IT

pants: CHOOO CHOOOOOOO HUGALUGALUGAHUG CHOOOOOOOO HLAGHLUHLAUHGLUAHGLAG CHOOOO CHOOOOO

deuce: CAN WE JUST AGREE THAT MY MOUTH IS A RECEPTACLE AND _NOT_ A TOILET pants: EITHER WAY TAMPONS DON'T GO IN THERE pants: YOU CAN'T FLUSH THOSE GODDAMN THINGS pants: OR CAN YOU???????????????????????????????????????? pants: NO

spigot: IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME!! WHIRRRRR ***FLOOOSOOOOSHH*** OH GOD pants: RING RING RING RING BEEEEEEP DID YOU GET THE URINE CLICK

deuce: T PANTS I'M GOING TO POKE YOU WITH MY DICK deuce: T PANTS AND WHEN YOU DON'T RESPONSE I'M GOING TO POKE YOU AGAIN deuce: T PANTS EVENTUALLY I WILL DISCOVER THAT YOU'RE DEAD AND MOVE ON (AFTER A GOODBYE POKE) pants: T DEUCE THEN BRING YOUR FRIENDS INTO THE WOODS TO SEE MY BODY AND POKE ME WITH THEIR DICKS deuce: T PANTS HEY WHATEVER I DON'T PLAN THAT FAR AHEAD

spigot: SO I'LL SAY GOODBYE TO EVERYONE IT WAS REAL FUN HANGING OUT BUT OBVIOUSLY I DON'T BELONG HERE spigot: LEAVING NOW spigot: SERIOUSLY PRACTICALLY ALL THE WAY OUT THE DOOR spigot: PUTTING ON MY JACKET FOR REAL spigot: HI GANG I'M SOME OTHER GUY NAMED SPIGOT (NOT THE SAME GUY FROM BEFORE)

spigot: TRYING TO ADMIRE MY OWN HARDON spigot: NOTE: COACH AND WINGS ARE CHANGING PLACES THIS WEDNESDAY (spigot): GOODNIGHT FAT BALLS

pants: GOODNIGHT MOUTH pants: PUTTING YOU TO REST FOR AN HOUR SO YOU DO NOT OVERHEAT ON ME AGAIN pants: JUST pants: THAT pants: GAY

deuce: GOOGLE SEARCH WILL BE DECOMMISSIONED AS OF AUGUST, 2016 pants: FINALLY

bung: NO CLEAR RESULTS FROM GOOGLE ON "SMOOTH BUDDY"

spigot: IF I HAD BUT ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE MYSELF spigot: IT WOULD BE GOONING SMALL DICK PENIS PUMPER deuce: FUCKO spigot: NO, IT WOULD BE WHAT I SAID deuce: THAT'S SHORT FOR WHAT YOU SAID

spigot: I'M THE FRUITLESS SUPER-GENE

pants: I'M A GOOSENECK LAMP pants: EVER HOLD THE SMOKE IN FOR SO LONG THAT YOU EXHALE NOTHING ?????? WRITE BACK deuce: ALSO HOW DO YOU EXPOSE YOURSELF WHILE DRIVING deuce: THAT SOUNDS HARD pants: YOU NEED A TALL WANG

pants: "I WONDER WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT S3E8" AND THEN BOOOOOOM I AM A MAN TODAY spigot: WELL PERHAPS A DAY WILL COME WHEN WE (((UNPACK))) WHAT WE WATCHED spigot: MEANWHILE: SILENT pants: IT'S STILL TOO MUCH LIKE WALKING IN ON MOM AND DAD DOIN' IT, CAN'T DISCUSS pants: OR DAD AND OTHER DAD spigot: Y pants: DAD AND ALL HIS FRIENDS FROM THE GYM pants: AND MOM'S ON THE PORCH AND SHE'S SIPPING ICED TEA CRYING SILENT TEARS pants: AND spigot: PRESSING PLAY AND RECORD

pants: MAKE LOVE TO THE DUCK ozone: OH YEAH deuce: OW OW OW deuce: OH YOU MEAN **TO** THE DUCK deuce: GOT IT deuce: OW OW OW

spigot: SQUIRTCAST, SHITSTREAM, CATBOX spigot: MINECRAFT pants: SKEPCHICKS WITH LAPTOP GEEK STICKERS ("GOT RAILS?????") pants: DIGITAL PENETRATION

pants: YOU ARE ALL MY CHILDREN NOW deuce: CAN I LEGALLY DIVORCE YOU, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE MY PARENT deuce: IS THAT A THING BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S A THING AND I WOULD LIKE IT TO OCCUR pants: GOT YOUR NOSE deuce: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY NOSE WAIT SHITHEAD THAT'S NOT EVEN MY NOSE THAT'S CLEARLY YOUR THUMB deuce: FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU deuce: FOOL ME TWICE, IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY MURDERED YOU FOR FOOLING ME ONCE pants: AHHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S MY THUMB AHHHH

effigy: WHAT DO I NOT HAVE THAT I NEED TO GET to sate my consumerism ? pants: grindr pants: totally assuming you can also order hoagies or subs with the same app deuce: gotta be

net: MY PANTS ARE FILLED WITH A LIGHT CREAM SAUCE deuce: HOLLANDAISE ?!?!?!? ALFREDO ?!?!?!? net: I DO NOT KNOW BUT PLEASE GRAB A LADLE AND HELP YOURSELF deuce: EXCELLENT

pants: +ANAL +"FIRST TIME" -AFFLECK [Obscured] -CLOONEY -PITT

spigot: YOU BE THE DOCTOR AND I'LL BE SARAH JANE SMITH spigot: NO YOU BE SARAH JANE SMITH AND I'LL BE PANTS AND DEUCE spigot: URF HURRRRRR GRABBING AND GROPING spigot: THIS STALL WILL BE OUR POLICE BOX spigot: IT SEEMS SMALLER ON THE INSIDE SOMEHOW (GLUGLUGLUGLUG SOAP CAKES)

pants: DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE (AND SUCK ALL THE DICKS DOWN THERE) pants: WE'RE GOING TO AGE GRACEFULLY AREN'T WE deuce: NOPE

spigot: i went to the bottom of the grand canyon spigot: i had to go down on a donkey

pants: YEAH pants: GO ON pants: MAKE IT HURT

spigot: FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF............... GAY spigot: TAX............... GAY

pants: GRANDMA SAYS I SHOULDN'T PULL IT OUT deuce: GRANDMA'S ALWAYS RIGHT

spigot: THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS LOOK UNVAXXED

pants: I'M A LOW CLOUD LINGERING BY THE OCEAN AND ALSO OVER SANTA CLARA VALLEY atandt: BONG SMOKE deuce: I LOVE YOU LOW CLOUD pants: YOU CALL THAT A GRAPEFRUIT atandt: I HAVE A JERKCITY FEATURE REQUEST atandt: CRICKETS deuce: FARAWAY BOMB STRIKES deuce: I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT YOU BACK UP IN THE SKY AS A LOW CLOUD deuce: TRY NOT TO GET ARRESTED THIS TIME pants: YOUR RAPE ROOM AND MY METH LAB ???? (FLOATING TO HEAVEN)

pants: GRAPES pants: SPECIFICALLY: pants: MY GRAPES

pants: I JUST WATCHED A GRASSHOPPER TAKE A SHIT ON PBS spigot: MAYBE THAT WILL LEAD KIDS TO SHIT THEMSELVES IN THE CLASSROOM

pants: AN OPEN LETTER TO THE POLICE OFFICER WHO SAVED MY AUTISTIC SON pants: YOU STUPID SHIT

bung: <<SMOOCH>>! deuce: T BUNG I OBJECT TO THE GRATUITOUS USE OF ANGLE BRACKETS

deuce: STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR YOU AND YOU AND YOU pants: AND ME pants: DON'T FORGET ME pants: I GET TO GO TOO deuce: NOT YOU YOU'RE THE COCKSUCKING TOOL pants: ALSO THIS JUST IN STRAIGHT FROM THE FRONT LINES: HUALGHLAHLAHGLUAG : [picture of Claire]

spigot: OKAY LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE spigot: SO spigot: CARL SAGAN DIES spigot: NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON SHITS ON HIS GRAVE spigot: SUPPOSE NEIL DIES spigot: WHAT FOLLOWS ARE ENORMOUS COMPLICATIONS, UNSURE OF STRATEGY spigot: RICHARD DAWKINS SHITS ON NEIL'S GRAVE? deuce: GIANNA MICHAELS STEPS IN

deuce: I JUST WON A NOBLE PRIZE [SIC] spigot: MY PENIS LOOKS SMALL BECAUSE OF GRAVITATIONAL LENSING spigot: BUT AS YOU CAN SEE I HAVE FOUR

deuce: ARE YOU READY TO PUNCH HOOKERS FOR YOUR RACE ?!?!?!!? pants: GRAVY ALL THE TIME deuce: LET'S TOUCH IT pants: BUT I'M AFRAID deuce: THE FEAR WILL PASS (AS YOU PASS OUT) pants: VERY WELL THEN

dick: POKE ME I MEAN IT deuce: ARE YOU AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME deuce: IF SO YOU WILL HAVE TO TRANSMIT IN GAY CODE deuce: I MEAN GRAY CODE deuce: OH GOD I'M FOUND OUT

deuce: I THOUGHT MAYBE I WAS PASSING A KIDNEY STONE BUT IT TURNED OUT I WAS JUST GAY deuce: RIGHT ozone: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE GREASY ASSHOLE deuce: LUBRICATED WITH (MUMBLE) BRAND LUBRICANT

atandt: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED bung: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED deuce: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED dick: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED hanford: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED net: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED ozone: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED pants: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED atandt: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THESE THINGS WERE AUTOMATED spigot: IF WHAT COULD BE MASTURBATED ??? spigot: OH

pants: I AM ELVRO THE ELF deuce: I'M FIDOTHE HOBBIT deuce: OH THE ADVENTURES WE'LL HAVE !!! pants: WE WILL GO EXPLORING deuce: YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pants: HOW DO WE GET INTO THE DUNGEON (NOT THINKING STRAIGHT) :: HEADS STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE DOOR MARKED "MEN" pants: OKAY COME IN THERE ARE ELVES IN HERE (MUFFLED, FROM BEHIND DOOR) deuce: OKAY NOW THERE'S JUST FIDO !!! deuce: JOIN US TOMORROW FOR THE NEXT GREAT ADVENTURE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pants: SOMEBODY LICK THIS deuce: WHAT WHERE pants: THRUSTING IT BEFORE YOU AND ASKING POLITELY deuce: HURP pants: YOU ARE A GREAT AMERICAN HERO

pants: WHAT A GREAT DAY TO ACCEPT NAKED JPEGS FROM ME VIA EMAIL deuce: I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS

pants: I WISH I COULD JUST FLAP MY ARMS AND FLY AWAY FROM THE CRUELTY AND FATNESS (BUT NOT FROM THE HAMBURGERS AND HAMBURGERS WITH CHEESE) spigot: T PANTS I CALL THEM CHEESEBURGERS

pants: BEATOFF PRISON pants: HEY GANG, GREAT NEWS: BEATOFF PAROLE deuce: REGISTERED BEATOFF OFFENDER LIST pants: SUING THE GOVERNMENT TO RESTORE MY BEATOFF VOTING RIGHTS

spigot: GREAT NEWS EVERYONE!!!!!!!! spigot: I'M A METROTHEXUAL spigot: A METRO..... spigot: THTHTH THTHTHTH spigot: (SPITTING, SPLUTTERING) spigot: THTHTH THTTTHH THHHTHHT spigot: (MINCING, PRANCING) spigot: THTH THTHT TTHHTHTH spigot: .....THEXUAL!!!!!!! spigot: WITH A FAUXHAWK spigot: A FAUXHAWKING STUPID HAIRCUT

deuce: JUPITER'S GREAT RED SPOT LOOKS SILLY NOW deuce: YES I SAID IT deuce: I MEAN SERIOUSLY

pants: AWWWWWWWW YEAH atandt: OH YOU NASTY BOY atandt: CHRIST I'M HARD UP FOR HARDONS pants: WELL THEN pants: WE SHOULD COME HERE MORE OFTEN atandt: YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC TO BATONS

deuce: BUTTHOLITIS deuce: THE 21ST CENTURY'S GREATEST HEALTH PROBLEM

deuce: T SPIGOT I SEE YOU spigot: HIDING

deuce: a piss tragedy deuce: in three piss acts deuce: Greek or Shakespearean??? unclear but there's definitely a lot of piss

deuce: WHO'S UP FOR GREEN DICKS deuce: THEY'RE THE MOST EXPENSIVE

pants: WAIT WHAT'S WITH THE GREEN SCREEN, MAN hanford: YES I'LL HOLD

spigot: > be me spigot: > lick dick

spigot: I HOPE THIS EMAIL FINDS YOU DECEASED

atandt: YOU THERE BOY WHAT DAY IS THIS pants: SUCK THE DICK YOU FAT OLD MAN atandt: WHERE ARE WE pants: SOME KIND OF GAY FOXHOLE AS FAR AS I CAN TELL atandt: GRENADE pants: HLAGHLHALUAG

pants: do u want 2 piss on me deuce: I don't want to, but I must pants: grind me to a paste

spigot: NO I WOULD NOT CARE FOR A GROAT CAKE

spigot: THANKS FOR RUINING DESSERT WITH PECANS AND CRANBERRIES spigot: KNOW WHAT THIS MINT CHOCOLATE FUDGE NEEDS? HARD POMEGRANATE SEEDS pants: EAT YOUR GROATCAKES

deuce: THERE WAS A PRETTY GIRL AT THE GROCERY STORE !!!!! SO I SAID HELLO AND SHE SAID WHATEVER !!!! deuce: LONG STORY SHORT SHE'S TIED UP AND GAGGED IN THE CLOSET

deuce: WELP I TOOK A NAP AND NOW I'M GROGGY AND CONFUSED pants: BREAK ME DOWN deuce: LIKE SOME EMPTY BOXES pants: OR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pants: ACTUALLY YEAH, THAT pants: NUTBUSTERS, HO!

spigot: GROK IS A WORD MEANING "I'M FAT, I HAVE A HUGE U.C. BERKELEY BEARD, AND I'M AFRAID TO HIT ON GIRLS" deuce: T SPIGOT I AM GROKKING YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET IT spigot: ABSOLUTELY NOT deuce: T SPIGOT OKAY deuce: T SPIGOT I'M SORRY spigot: I GOT GAME

deuce: TOUCH IT deuce: YOU FUCKING WHORE YOU TOUCH IT RIGHT NOW pants: OK deuce: MMMM YEAH MMMMM

pants: I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU pants: I FOUND A WAY pants: A WAY TO MAKE YOU SMILE

deuce: PLUTO AND ITS FAGGOT MOONS pants: GROSS GAY PLANETS

net: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME deuce: OH I THINK I AM net: PROVE IT deuce: HURRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRR GROUND INTO POWDER

spigot: EVERY TIME I WATCH GROUNDHOG DAY IT'S THE SAME STUPID MOVIE spigot: DID THE PUNXSUTAWNEY PHAG COME OUT OF HIS CLOSET AND SEE A PENIS spigot: SIX MORE MONTHS OF PENISES

deuce: WHERE IS EVERYBODY spigot: GROUP GROPE spigot: BLHLRTUBHLAISEUG()**W$ deuce: WUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

pants: LIE ON YOUR STOMACH pants: PUT YOUR HAIR IN PIGTAILS SO I CAN STEER deuce: GROW UP BIG AND STRONG deuce: EAT YOUR QUEERNUTS pants: FUCK YOU PAY ME

deuce: VISION IS GROWING BLURRY, GETTING REALLY TIRED pants: LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND

spigot: BRILLIANT spigot: ARE YOU SEEING THIS BEAUTIFUL MORNING pants: BATHROBE, COFFEE, WIENERDOG CLAMPED FIRMLY TO MY ANKLE DRAGGING IT GROWLING AROUND THE HOUSE