spigot: does he literally have no idea he's putting his penis in her bottom

deuce: it's more of a pencil dick pants: one of those little golf pencils, not a no 2 deuce: you will address me as sir pants: i thought you transitioned deuce: I did but that doesn't mean I wasn't knighted

spigot: if i'm not licking dick i'm napping between dicks

deuce: a crime has been committed in this very room: nobody lick a dick pants: but who hgulahuglahglhalugag who deuce: we'll hglhglaghlgh get to the glahglahglagh bottom of lghalghalgh this

pants: god has a plan for all us pants: even you pants: he is merciful and bi deuce: no spoilers!!!

deuce: BLAM 15 dicks pants: POW some number of dicks that is not zero pants: n dicks deuce: with n > 0 deuce: `(dicks)+` pants: it's an unknown number of dicks deuce: but let's call it 15 pants: at once????????????????????????????????????????? deuce: well they're poking/prodding all at once but not all penetrating at once deuce: obviously deuce: I mean don't be ridiculous pants: 2 maybe 3 tops

pants: MY COW NAME IS BUTTERBALLS deuce: hail and well met, Butterballs pants: salt lick plz pants: open range would be good pants: source of water pants: oh you know what would be great is a big ol' bell around my neck pants: that's pretty much about it (barney fife sniff) pants: whadda ya gonna do

deuce: toilet snakes are the worst pants: are they worse than toilet pigs deuce: vastly worse

spigot: you're just mad the new dr who is a trap

pants: this is the life huh

deuce: Marquess of Cockville pants: charmed i'm sure (flaps paper fan) deuce: nice frilly ruffles you big ponce pants: powdered wig, fake mole on cheek

deuce: a chalice filled with piss pants: PISS CHALICE

deuce: haha who downloaded a Bob Lazar movie pants: what's that deuce: a UFO bullshitter pants: I'd Google it but I honestly forgot how to switch windows so I live here now deuce: well then settle down, I'll make you a cup of hot cocoa deuce: (loud farting sounds off-camera) pants: also a blanket pants: a big strong fireman

spigot: decapitating new horizon spigot: placing the radioisotope thermoelectric generator in nasa's bed spigot: i assume they all wake up together ???? spigot: get oort of my cloud spigot: whapping them all with my kuiper belt

pants: hey uh pants: i think my junk is stuck pants: could you go to the other end of this hollow log and see what's what in there deuce: I see the abyss pants: well the abyss is staring back at you (bored voice)

pants: why can't you and I beat each other off normally deuce: because that doesn't sell the goose

effigy: mmm piss pants: warm

pants: a duck ran off with my penis pants: then a crow took the penis from the duck pants: and after that the crow just dropped it into the lake pants: it's all very sad

deuce: piss clams pants: digging in the sand for them pants: boiling them (in piss) deuce: feeding them pills pants: putting them back in the sand

spigot: my pajamas tops have a vest pocket i can stuff pencils in and my pajama bottoms have a rear flap for the ***exact same reason****

pants: ---...--- pants: bring our boys back home pants: then ship them out pants: then bring them back pants: our boys should not be comfortable

pants: AG-GAG LAWS deuce: AMBERLAMPS pants: what about the ghlaghluahgluhalug laws pants: EDELWEISS pants: weird dumb dicks that don't belong here deuce: sorghum pants: paper mills deuce: bauxite pants: groatcakes deuce: the queer quarry pants: top of the hill, daly city pants: sci-fi fantasy deuce: speculative fiction not science fiction!!!!! hluhlbulhbuhlbuhlb pants: gnu/linux deuce: GNU/HURP pants: hardon

pants: have you forsaken me (it's okay if you have, i'm cool with that) deuce: no but God sure as fuck has pants: i'm so ashamed and horny

pants: i can't piss with you watching deuce: that's not what my archival footage shows

deuce: what you need is some good jerk-off instruction spigot: via lynda.com

spigot: choke down this absolute unit

pants: there's nothing "cool" about calling in sick to smoke dope and watch tv pants: don't beat me off if you don't mean it pants: i say this as a friend

deuce: you're my disposable urinal pants: I am neither leakproof nor hygienic deuce: don't care

spigot: what part of wank it **now** do you just not understand pants: how ya doin there skip deuce: I'll wank it when I'm damn good and ready deuce: okay I'm ready

pants: piss (possibly piss) pants: confirming: piss deuce: validating piss pants: strange piss deuce: average piss pants: working man's piss deuce: Acapulco piss pants: exotic

spigot: spider-man and his spider-purse

pants: Cut the apple into thin wedges, then cut the wedges into half-inch pieces; place in the garbage can and eat the entire bag of Ghirardelli chocolate squares.

pants: GAHHHHH 2019 spigot: i'm still writing i lick dick on my checks spigot: the only place I can blog safely spigot: nope, wells fargo just told everyone

pants: jack me off???????? deuce: dial tone

pants: why doesn't minecraft have cars and airplanes and copters and rockets deuce: Ultima II did

pants: if it wasn't for the writing of stan lee and the drawings of steve ditko, i might not have ever done none of those rapes

deuce: what we need is a good porn lawyer pants: GPL deuce: doesn't exist pants: max hardcore, attorney at law deuce: Gianna Michaels, Esq. pants: the dog has fooled me again, he now has both of my slippers

spigot: if push came to shove i would say lick my dick

pants: *last night's playtest:* pants: 59 logins, 32 unique players pants: 9 quests completed (that weren't just "Leave the public restroom") pants: 90 chat lines pants: 140 parse errors (may or may not be real bugs) pants: 15 critical errors pants: 1 crash pants: 0 bones found

pants: PLAYTEST RESULTS (UPDATED): pants: 144 LOGINS pants: 100 CRITICAL ERRORS pants: 16 QUESTS COMPLETED pants: 61 INCIDENTS OF PLAYERS KISSING TOILETS FOR SOME REASON pants: 324 CHAT LINES pants: SEVERAL CRASHES (SORRY EVERYBODY) pants: ZERO BONES FOUND

spigot: quick reminder that silence=death spigot: and also that silence=golden spigot: so through the transitive property spigot: i would like a bj

pants: hoping we can have a cross-over cinematic multiverse where ted bundy goes to the fyre documentary and murders all the influencers

spigot: holy shit i can just say hey google play bonequest hifi podcast and it starts with #494 pants: weezer is terrible deuce: I'm a kitty cat

pants: corset waist training but for my dong pants: Editors' Note: This post has been corrected to remove phrasing that was copied from Wikipedia.

deuce: if it's a pride of lions and a murder of crows, what's the collective noun for pricks: a bucket of pricks??? pants: a stupid

spigot: first I'll flounce my wrists up and down above my head to "clap back" like a tired old queen spigot: then i'll blabbermouth my cheeks open and shut like a pac-man

pants: do u want to beat me off y/n pants: you have typed "yes" pants: please type y or n deuce: ddddddddddddd

spigot: space farts

pants: i can see Vera Farmiga as lydia but i am not sure about Jon Bernthal as johnny-boy pants: it's easier to talk like woody harrelson in true detective if you never move your lower jaw when speaking pants: welp i'm all done causing a ruckus for the day, back to my tent under the overpass

pants: excuse me but i didn't say *DONGLES* i said *DONG GOALS*

deuce: keepin' it real pants: word on the street is pants: i'm so tired pants: please put me in a plastic bag and then put that plastic bag in the dumpster

deuce: t pants what you need is Jesus pants: feel my soul deuce: that's not your pants: just squint

pants: BUGGER YE ALL spigot: repeater spigot: time spigot: out spigot: cancel

pants: all these collar bombs are making me hungry for pizza

pants: do girls have wieners or is that a military industrial complex thing pants: eisenhower warned us about traps deuce: ja ja, dick und balls

pants: drill a hole in my head deuce: I'm a hangover pants: god is in there (you can talk to him, ask him anything) pants: ***anything*** pants: no seriously pants: just lean into the hole in my head and whisper

deuce: someone pulled out all the stops pants: did stops get pulled out pants: that is horrible pants: maybe we put the stops back in??????? what if they were holding something back deuce: we are typing things

spigot: pepperidge farm mint millennials spigot: crispy gaza strips pants: uhhh yeah suck it

spigot: i am absolutely using squibs under my shirt for my next all hands spigot: any questions spigot: BLAM BLAM BLAM spigot: and then i wanna do a big gay GURK!!!!!!!!!!!! and flop over spigot: can you guys believe i was assassinated just now

spigot: critics are calling these bonghits delicious, delightful spigot: a tour de force (dot dot dot) mesmerizing

spigot: more of a passive shooter

effigy: t whoever please stop cooking all the wheat effigy: I need it to breed llamas pants: more than my boner can bear spigot: part of a balanced bonghit

pants: what does it all mean pants: where are we going pants: there is no god pants: i have no son pants: we are alone in this universe pants: nobody is coming for us pants: the sun will go dead and nobody will know our names pants: i can't beat off to this

deuce: I sure don't lick dick pants: then who deuce: maybe it was (runs suddenly out of the room) pants: i assume you're going to find out who (sips tea with pinkie extended) deuce: It's an action item I fully intend to functionalize pants: well then

deuce: And deuce: SEAN CONNERY deuce: As Professor Henry Jones

pants: blat spigot: figured out a way to do the fortnite dance so my dong whaps back and forth across your face

spigot: and you call them licked dicks despite the fact that they are obviously grilled

pants: BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. DO I LOOK CUTE IN THIS TOP? deuce: meh pants: what about this one (1980s movie montage where we try on hats in front of a mirror, beat each other off) pants: what about this one (same hat, can't fool you)

pants: 900 dicks deuce: (approx.) deuce: 900 dicks (est.)

effigy: he swallowed his own dick like an ouroboros and vanished into the gay dimension deuce: so in other words your average Thursday pants: there's a **gay** dimension?????????????? pants: **freaking out**

pants: need know info deuce: no info available pants: need know tho

spigot: one for the money spigot: two to lick dick spigot: three to lick dick spigot: four to lick dick spigot: five and up, dicklicking

pants: ATMOSPHERE: pants: BREATHABLE pants: RADIATION: pants: MINIMAL deuce: > CYCLE AIRLOCK pants: wait what no

deuce: I'm a Social Media Influencer effigy: SQUIRPY deuce: I'm feeling one of those coming on effigy: me too, let's facetime

spigot: let us know about the dongs in your mouth spigot: sound off in the comments

deuce: need an accurate up-to-date figure on the number of trolls blown (NOTB) pants: 2

deuce: I'm doing ASMR noises in your ear pants: pffft pssst pssst scrape pffft pssst pst pst deuce: you got it pants: pst pffft COCKS pssfsftft scrape click effigy: [x] MARK AS READ.

spigot: you should be registering joyful noises unto the lord deuce: captain, I'm sensing anger

pants: it's your shinebox mister i don't wanna tell you what to do but i think you should go get it deuce: I don't want to get off on a rant here but GET YOUR FUCKING SHINEBOX pants: won't someone rid me of this turbulent NOT HAVING SHINEBOX Motherfucker

pants: COCKS deuce: that's horrible pants: sorry deuce: you can do it put your back into it pants: i will not do that deuce: you will

deuce: I could sure go for some jerk off instruction right now (because I never learned how) pants: Does it come in a bottle or is it a fountain drink deuce: sorry I only respond to the pronouns _fuck_ and _you_ spigot: as long as that instruction shows me what I'm supposed to do with my hands spigot: um SLOW DOWN lady

spigot: t lady are you saying I should roll snake eyes spigot: are you signaling the waiter you're ready for fresh ground pepper spigot: stop hitting yourself stop hitting yourself

pants: DEPRECATION: Python 2.7 will reach the end of its life on January 1st, 2020. Please upgrade your Python as Python 2.7 won't be maintained after that date. pants: drown all nerds is what my bumper sticker will say pants: bash the fash, all cops are bastards, bring back the guillotine, why did i find my dungeon master's guide smeared with coffee grounds in the trash

deuce: breasts pants: no deuce: y pants: i need advance notice next time (E_CRAWLSPACE_FULL)

pants: call it friendo spigot: friendo is actually culturally insensitive, we prefer retardo (with a hard R) or fagface (with 2 long spluttery limpwristed F's)

pants: burying myself in the sand, waiting for lunch to wander within grabbing distance

deuce: can't tell whether a piss fetish is more or less gross than a foot fetish pants: that's a tough one

pants: play with my balls deuce: please place your bag in the bagging area spigot: unknown item in the bagging area deuce: please place your item in the bag deuce: please wait for employee assistance spigot: have you scanned your club card??????

spigot: there has got to be a way I can send dick pics to my large-screen google home hub in the kitchen while the book club is over spigot: i'm thinkin' ken burns effect spigot: if I could suck my own dick I'd never leave the house but also I never leave the house so . . . . . . let's hurry it up women of STEM

spigot: AM I THE ONLY GODDAMN LIAR IN AMERICA STILL LYING spigot: i hope no girls read this

effigy: Restrictions: Godzilla shall not speak any human language effigy: Godzilla shall not be killed effigy: Godzilla's use shall not be derogatory to its image spigot: can we ban capeshit on this sub

deuce: t pants clean this zucchini pants: it's so filthy pants: don't wait up for me pants: this is going to take all night

spigot: every time the camera pans across a theranos all-hands, all i see are dopey, pudgy butterfaces in every discipline but none dopier or pudgier than eholmes herself *SEND* deuce: she is extremely doofusy spigot: (baritone) one alcohol please spigot: did we ever get confirmation she's been blacked

deuce: you're a national treasure pants: does god love me deuce: he's sort of indifferent deuce: but not really hostile deuce: just a little tired of your shit pants: who wouldn't be

spigot: SUCK A DICK spigot: thanks for the gold kind stranger

spigot: you've blown 2 trolls of your monthly limit (4). upgrade your subscription today spigot: we see you love blowing trolls spigot: You are blowing *3 of 4 free trolls* this month

spigot: fap or trap effigy: ...both?

spigot: yes please more origami furniture that magically unfolds into sharp wooden shapes that pinch my dick off

spigot: going to the bathroom on children will make america great again

spigot: the two rules of design: spigot: if it's gay GET RID OF IT spigot: if it's gay LEAVE IT IN

spigot: WHAT'S UP SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! beer bottle

pants: does your office have those fancy toilets that automatically flush for you spigot: they do and they all have bidets which i kindly crank up to the coldest temps and the strongest jets pants: do you also have that problem where you're inspecting your poo and the thing rudely flushes into your face spigot: oops-dropped-my-phone is more of a problem when it falls into the sink because that faucet-auto-on happens immediately pants: sometimes i'll be kneeing in front of the bowl looking over the contents when bam auto-flush deuce: t pants permission to lick dick

deuce: farting it up pants: scanning the horizon for farts deuce: farts detected pants: set course for farts deuce: course set, type `engage` to lick dick pants: > GO FARTS

spigot: nobody cared who I was until I pulled out my dong

deuce: let's sing Disney songs pants: t r a n n y v i s i o n

spigot: all these lofts going up spigot: WOW WHAT A GREAT VIEW spigot: nope another loft built up right in front of that spigot: and in front of that spigot: etc etc turtles spigot: right into the marshland so the buildings all start sinking in the same order spigot: and the view is now in the opposite direction

net: my dick has exactly the right amount of horseyness

pants: i would like some oral history please spigot: break break spigot: emergency traffic for the net spigot: (spluttery shit)

pants: accidentally caught some low-hanging speaker wire in the vacuum cleaner, can't hear anything out of the right side now effigy: quantum entanglement

spigot: i don't blank panels unless they add weight between lines and i don't like spoilers in the title spigot: i don't blank panels. normal complete sentence.

uncredited lady: st. john's / may i help you spigot: is this st. john the baptist uncredited lady: yes it is spigot: i wondered if there was someone around who could tell me about church uncredited lady: um spigot: ok uncredited lady: yes spigot: see right now i'm in something called the church of joe's dick spigot: and this guy joe comes over every sunday spigot: and he flops his dick around in my face spigot: and rubs his balls all over my lips spigot: he pisses in my hair and up my nose spigot: i don't think it's for me spigot: can you tell me if catholicism is any different

spigot: would you close your robe spigot: deuce: spigot: deuce: spigot: deuce: spigot: deuce: spigot: deuce: spigot: it's still open there

spigot: girls who code spigot: it's obviously tinkle

pants: i got stuck in a block between loaded and unloaded chunks deuce: hot dogs are a subset of corn dogs but neither is a subset of dogs (FYI)

pants: forced to give head in the toilet pants: april fool's!!!!!!!! pants: i didn't say stop

spigot: why the fuck am i climbing on a chair to put my smoke alarm up there, it's fine doing its work on the table spigot: i don't give a shit if there's smoke way the fuck up there spigot: yes i made toast

pants: putting knitting needles in my bottom deuce: that's where they go now pants: now we know where to find them deuce: your bottom is a knitting needle receptacle deuce: knitting needle primary storage

deuce: why did you deadname my balls pants: ahem deadname is my slave name deuce: weird, it's my porn name

pants: i drink piss from a glass deuce: because you're a class act

deuce: piss sticks are like fish sticks but different spigot: i would say they are both frozen deuce: right deuce: but one tastes fishy and the other tastes pissy spigot: i won't play the blame game

spigot: who's excited for the reboot of my dick in their mouth

pants: i would put u up my butt and leave u there pants: u would be safe living my butt i would care for u pants: build a house and make a family and live life as u see fit (in my butt) pants: if u want i can take u out and piss on u sometimes pants: u and i will grow old 2gether

deuce: when are we going to lick dick beneath the stars

spigot: brachs jelly nougats deuce: nope deuce: I would like it stated for the record and posterity that _nougat_ looks like it's spelled wrong but it is not deuce: thank u for ur attention (now fuck me more in the ass)

spigot: the pants and melinda gates foundation

pants: jackoff planet deuce: beatoff aisle spigot: walgreens

pants: all who doubt me must suck cock spigot: doo dah / doo dah

pants: i'll have the fat boy's asshole (it's the only gluten-free item on the menu) deuce: oh my

pants: buster cunt deuce: did not copy your last effigy: I DEMAND HOT DOGS FOR LUNCH deuce: BUSTER CUNT 2 THIS IS HOT DOG ACTUAL pants: i'll meet ya out back deuce: ja, ja

pants: what say you and me trade horses deuce: what does that even mean pants: it's what the script says

pants: beating off into pants: a coffee can because pants: everything else is full

deuce: Jesus Christ why did I get up before 7 pants: it's cold and stupid out deuce: a horrible hellscape

spigot: if a dog dies, does it go to heaven pants: yes spigot: so if my childhood dog dies we will be reunited, is that correct pants: yes spigot: will i have to clean up 40 years of dog shit all over heaven spigot: surprise, this is a crank call spigot: clonk ba-donk spigot: donk bonk donk ba-donk hello oh donk ba-donk spigot: cause i'm not really good with warm plastic bags spigot: what i'd do is pretend i was the gate keeper and just hand people scoops like they're disneyland janitors and say it's a 30 day trial period spigot: how we doin' on time

pants: please finish jacking me off before you jack off a totally unrelated dick (or series of dicks)

pants: s e x u a l deuce: so many sex deuce: do you sex the ziggurat pants: br rr rr rr

spigot: do they make guinness cans that don't splork out into my face desk and lap every goddamn time spigot: seriously it's like the willy wonka soap suds car wash over here

pants: t deuce could you remove your gold bracelets when you beat off all i hear is jingle jangle jingle jangle deuce: unf unf unf nope unf unf unf

pants: t deuce when is your gender-fluid steampunk dungeon crawler going to be released it seems like forever since your kickstarter finished deuce: never suckers MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA deuce: running away with all the diamonds deuce: also the dungeon crawler is not itself gender-fluid, the _characters_ in it are (jeez)

spigot: did you know indonesia is at a crossroads spigot: it is

deuce: word to the wise: _dick pics_ means _pictures of dicks_

deuce: I'm going to mix my rice with chili !!!! pants: and piss deuce: some piss pants: don't forget the piss

spigot: tfw you suck dick and die spigot: literally one for the ol' bloopster reel

deuce: that's practically the whole Internet deuce: including the dark web pants: what about the jackoff web deuce: unknown

pants: i like the piss sticks made fresh not the frozen ones deuce: but freezing piss is the only way to make it solid??? pants: you can also give them a stern look and they go into stick form right away and if that doesn't work ask to speak to their manager deuce: the husband of the manager pants: a woman manager??????????????????? <h1>give me a break</h1>

spigot: if a movie or tv show has more than 3 seconds of a baby crying, the whole folder goes in the trash

deuce: DICKS = ['8=D ', '8=D~ ', '8=D~~ ', '8=D~~~ ', '8==D ', '8==D~ ', '8==D~~ ', '8==D~~~ ', '8===D ', '8===D~ ', '8===D~~ ', '8===D~~~ ', '8====D ', '8====D~ ', '8====D~~ ', '8====D~~~ ', '8=====D ', '8=====D~ ', '8=====D~~ ', '8=====D~~~ ', '8======D ', '8======D~ ', '8======D~~ ', '8======D~~~ ', '8=======D ', '8=======D~ ', '8=======D~~ ', '8=======D~~~ ', '8========D ', '8========D~ ', '8========D~~ ', '8========D~~~ ', '8=========D ', '8=========D~ ', '8=========D~~ ', '8=========D~~~ ', '8==========D ', '8==========D~ ', '8==========D~~ ', '8==========D~~~ ', '8===========D ', '8===========D~ ', '8===========D~~ ', '8===========D~~~ ', '8============D ', '8============D~ ', '8============D~~ ', '8============D~~~ ', '8@=D ', '8@=D~ ', '8@=D~~ ', '8@=D~~~ ', '8@==D ', '8@==D~ ', '8@==D~~ ', '8@==D~~~ ', '8@===D ', '8@===D~ ', '8@===D~~ ', '8@===D~~~ ', '8@====D ', '8@====D~ ', '8@====D~~ ', '8@====D~~~ ', '8@=====D ', '8@=====D~ ', '8@=====D~~ ', '8@=====D~~~ ', '8@======D ', '8@======D~ ', '8@======D~~ ', '8@======D~~~ ', '8@=======D ', '8@=======D~ ', '8@=======D~~ ', '8@=======D~~~ ', '8@========D ', '8@========D~ ', '8@========D~~ ', '8@========D~~~ ', '8@=========D ', '8@=========D~ ', '8@=========D~~ ', '8@=========D~~~ ', '8@==========D ', '8@==========D~ ', '8@==========D~~ ', '8@==========D~~~ ', '8@===========D ', '8@===========D~ ', '8@===========D~~ ', '8@===========D~~~ ', '8@============D ', '8@============D~ ', '8@============D~~ ', '8@============D~~~ ']

pants: do u even kno how 2 jack me off deuce: no pants: well good pants: trust but verify

spigot: I LOVE TO DOWNLOAD AND EAT CORN DOGS

pants: which pet shop boy are you???????????????????? pants: [ ] one of them pants: [ ] the other???????? how many are there

spigot: 30 mins into apollo 11 and they're all doing heroin on the moon and everyone's tie-off tube is waving around in zero g spigot: FAKE

pants: i beat off nightly spigot: do you tho pants: i do spigot: but do u

spigot: *diarrhea* spigot: did i spell that right spigot: fantastic

pants: 3 pants: 2 pants: 1 pants: BLAST OFF HGLAHGLUAHGLUAHGLAG pants: sorry for the spam

pants: ah of course (stroking lenin beard) deuce: the dictatorship of the proletariat is at hand deuce: from each according to their gifts, to each according to their capacity to accept huge quantities of dick pants: the good of the state is the good of the urk choking and being choked at the same time

pants: do you think i'm very sexy or extremely sexy deuce: I would have to go with undeniably, extremely, astonishingly pants: well that's better than i'd hoped for

spigot: a moment of silence for the heat death of the visible universe

pants: gonna make tarballs spigot: are those like lemon bars deuce: they're a bit like madeleines

deuce: do you think we'll ever reach the coast pants: I'm starting to think our covered wagon train is going in circles

pants: t deuce when are we going to record season two of our linux devops podcast "game of chowns" deuce: right after we receive the signal SIGFUCK pants: "chapter one: how system administration is like dungeons and dragons" deuce: more tri-tip plz

spigot: when they re-released the sopranos the engineers had to magnify, reframe, chop and crop the old timey 4:3 aspect ratio into the contemporary 16:9 but somehow meadow's tits were always perfectly centered the entire time ????? spigot: AHULGHUALG pants: HAGLAHGLUHUALG pants: i dunno, t

effigy: SOMETHING FLACCID THIS WAY COMES

spigot: ate a burrito, then a second burrito spigot: it feels like two prestologs in my tummy spigot: no sympathy ??? spigot: fine, doing poos on your laptop and waffle-ironing it shut spigot: really eyeballing that third burrito

pants: the official position of my dong is that it cannot be soft spigot: or do you just pour the cement over her and done

pants: t deuce a nice cool breeze is blowing up my skirt deuce: that's because you're a trollop pants: and because butterfly wings flapped somewhere deuce: chaos theory explains why you're a harlot

deuce: free lesbiain porn videos top rated porn sites videos couple porn gallerys younger russian porn mangas porn gay deuce: I don't like all those words spigot: some are okay deuce: right but I cannot endorse the entire set spigot: i would say things like lesbiain are out (typo? who's to say) but also mangas and gay

pants: pray with me deuce: this isn't prayer pants: it is a form of prayer deuce: what am I praying to pants: i think you know deuce: also why are you hovering over me pants: no more questions pants: just prayer

deuce: will someone please come up with a way to decarbonize my balls deuce: (too much carbon)

pants: t deuce magneto was right (peace was never an option) deuce: he may not have been completely right deuce: but he was definitely handsome and charismatic and sure had a good point pants: what about piss (is that an option) deuce: what are your views on genderfluid piss pants: not a word deuce: is that because you yourself are genderfluid???? or because you're pissy pants: the piss one

pants: feelin' kinda cruisy pants: who should i call??? pants: buck rogers??? pants: superman??? pants: terry & the pirates??? pants: tailspin tommy??? pants: mandrake the magician??? pants: brick bradford??? pants: dick tracy??? pants: prince valiant??? pants: the katzenjammer kids???/

spigot: every time matthew mcconaughey shouts murph he should follow it up with hurf and burf

pants: jack me off under the table deuce: never pants: well then i'll just flop it out in plain view deuce: fine

deuce: my dong is too big to fail deuce: not because it's actually big (it's tiny) but because so many investors have put so much money sflksf h4t kherf dfslkfse rfsdfoijhs f4tr9084fg sfdkg skldfsjefsdf

pants: go shit in your hat spigot: maybe you didn't hear about it, you been away a long time: i don't shit in hats anymore

pants: i have polio deuce: here's a big metal box to live in

pants: are you here to warn me not to bury my son at the pet cemetary spigot: i thought there would be fluttering flags and cartwheeling clowns pants: executive producer: james franco

spigot: once and for all: does tim conway's death seriously mean no more dorf

pants: i can't jack off unless arson deuce: so, still a less weird fetish than a foot fetish

pants: grand prix deuce: Le Mans deuce: both equally gay pants: which is gayer pants: the pact is sealed

pants: smells like an adult bookstore in here

spigot: so fucking bored of my gay life pants: have you tried drinking spigot: yes, but all 6 local district liquor stores cannot keep up with my guinness intake - they keep running out pants: okay well have you tried ordering pizza or chinese food spigot: okay now i know why they call you the fixer

pants: we keep returning to the same themes deuce: we're not only not that bright but not that original either pants: also i know i promised to put my urine exclusively in the toilet but here's the thing see

pants: quiet you guys the ranger is outside with a flashlight

pants: jack **me** off deuce: 010 pants: jack me **off** deuce: 001 pants: **jack** me off deuce: 100

spigot: i have cosmic background radiation poisoning in that i am alive for no great reason deuce: the Universe became transparent so that you might live

spigot: carl sagan just told me i'm made up of fagstuff and not starstuff and then he yoinked my red mervyns turtleneck up over my face and head spigot: if you can hear me i'm upsidedown in a garbage can

spigot: i've had enough beers to know i don't want to go to school tomorrow, i want to stay on carl sagan's ship of the imagination and listen to vangelis spigot: can you show me where on the cosmic calendar where neil degrasse tyson touched you

spigot: in episode 2 of cosmos, dr. sagan describes how the destruction of an ancient japanese society led to ladies of the imperial court reduced to selling flowers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . . . . . (long long sagan pause) . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . and . . . . . "other things"

pants: excuse me but i'm a bisexual masterpiece

pants: so what do we get paid when somebody hearts our tweets spigot: i'm annoyed that there are never any comments, just useless hearts and RT's spigot: usually i hate all the shit takes in the comments, but these are our readers shit taking pants: where are all the reply guys deuce: Did you mean: _shittake_

spigot: my pants fell down, he exclaimed to three colleagues whose pants had been down since sunday evening

pants: stuff my bottom with leaves deuce: now you are a flower pot

pants: FUCK TOM NOOK deuce: I don't know who that is pants: you've seen his mugshot, google it deuce: oh, the famous terrorist pants: his most recent appeal to the supreme court failed, in guantanamo he will stay

spigot: where's the official bq app that takes your photo and draws FAG across the bottom with an up arrow

pants: beat me off tonight (let's say 6pm) deuce: just before your bedtime

deuce: why do I taste sour apples deuce: why do I smell ozone deuce: hurk 10 Sv absorbed dose deuce: roentgens or milliroentgens??? hurk

pants: piss people deuce: is that "Piss, people!" as in "[Here is the] piss, people!" or "Piss, people!" as in "[You must now] piss, people!" or "piss people" as in people made of piss pants: it is people that have a shared interest in piss, similarly to party people deuce: so none of the above pants: right in the mommyhole

deuce: can we talk seriously now about your penis pants: k deuce: why does it look like a pigtail pants: only god can judge me deuce: oh he's going to do that like a bat out of a hell but that doesn't mean you're not required to answer the question was: re: pigtail (man is he going to go to town on you)

deuce: `self.canonicalizer.canonicalize(filename)` deuce: I LIKE WORDS spigot: just a quick shoutout to all the times you sit on the toilet thinking you have only one guinness left but when you open the fridge you see a complete 4-pack

pants: do you want to stand around and look bored while i try and gather enough enthusiasm to masturbate deuce: fuck yes!!!!! pants: we'll be right back after these messages

pants: let's make the stall a place of silent reflection from now on

pants: you might say i struggle under low-light conditions effigy: you might say that I am "dishwasher safe"

pants: who wants to choke on some unspecified object deuce: could we request a clarification re: unspecified object pants: rather not deuce: I see pants: it's a surprise

pants: do all girls like having their dicks sucked or was i tricked again deuce: wait are we deuce: checks books, types things into an adding machine, writes down shit with pencil deuce: nope that checks out

spigot: why do i bring my A game to this moo/mud deuce: you're always thinking three steps ahead when your audience is only capable of 1/2, maybe 1 step pants: i was hoping for butter on safeway french bread

spigot: t deuce may i speak with you spigot: i'm going to put my face right here just slightly above this paper plate full of dogshit spigot: and i ask that you please do n deuce: SMOOSH spigot: nvm deuce: here to help spigot: some kinds of help are the kinds of help we all could do withou deuce: SMOOSH spigot: k

pants: `from pprint import pprint as print` pants: barfing on all cocks across all possible universes

deuce: piss: the universal solvent pants: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: piss spigot: hp wuvcraft

spigot: may i be honest with you deuce: uh oh spigot: it feels like it might be for fags a little bit spigot: a little bit for fags

pants: tell me I'm big deuce: it was tiny pants: can you at least please pretend that my wiener inspires fear deuce: I could barely see it pants: maybe dial nine and one and one and hover your thumb over the call button while maintaining serious serious eye contact deuce: are you even a dude

spigot: i would get a medium-to-large plush minion, stuff it down the toilet, then take a day off work while an expensive plumber describes the problem

spigot: okay i think it's time for some beers and then back to bed who's with me pants: i've done my part today spigot: that was a gay trap, get out of my bed pants: s-sorry spigot: you're not moving though pants: 5 more minutes

effigy: I feel love deuce: it's just my wiener effigy: ah, that's it.

spigot: what if we both take a shit in a couple of hot dog buns and you leave them unguarded in the dogbert conference room

deuce: blinking "DURESS" in Morse code while no one watches

spigot: H spigot: A spigot: M spigot: B spigot: U spigot: R spigot: G spigot: E spigot: R spigot: S

spigot: i drew a dick on a guy's face aimed at his mouth spigot: join me at siggraph

spigot: lol at spelling deuce: I DON'T KNOW THINGS

deuce: I'm a partial eclipse deuce: in the sense that I tease but I don't put out

spigot: a bunk bed for $1200/month ??????????? okay but only because i don't know angular.js pants: sorry but the new hotness is dongbutter.js and you need to know this framework (unzipping, dropping) deuce: where the $ global refers to your dong

spigot: i'm a flushable applicator spigot: kindly apply me then flush me spigot: surprise: i am not flushable spigot: hurrrkkk okay one more attempt i guess spigot: blblblblbl gllllkkk

spigot: do you know what i would do with ten jumbo corn dogs right now spigot: dip them in various mustards !!!!!!! spigot: then nnnggg email wired some pix

spigot: on day zero of nofap everybody spigot: and that's the tea with a side of woke yikes yolos and yeets spigot: click here to take a shit

deuce: you are othering my balls deuce: which is actually probably a good idea since they have sworn an oath to fight you

spigot: trucks and detours and jackhammering at 3am while installing my star on the bonequest walk of fame spigot: F A G F A C E spigot: that wascally wapist

spigot: i went to the bottom of the grand canyon spigot: i had to go down on a donkey

pants: pray with me (down here, on your knees) deuce: that's a puddle of piss pants: ignore that deuce: it'll get my corduroy pants all messy

pants: please shoot my brain deuce: if I shoot your brain will the word salad stop deuce: because I'm not sure that's where it's coming from pants: same, same

spigot: if you're blue spigot: and you don't know spigot: where to go to spigot: why don't you go spigot: where fashion sits spigot: gianna michaels' tits spigot: piss

deuce: I'm a beautiful butterfly deuce: won't you fucking step on me

pants: YOU HAVE RUINED THE QUEEN'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY, YOU FOOL spigot: THEY WILL NEVER SEE ME IN THE HOTEL WITH THIS OUTRAGEOUS DISGUISE pants: OH MY GOODNESS THE TOILET IS OVERFLOWING spigot: HOW CAN YOU STACK THE CHEESES SO HIGH, THEY WILL SURELY TOPPLE pants: I SHOULD NEVER HAVE EATEN ALL THAT BRIE spigot: THE PASTRIES ARE COMING TOO FAST DOWN THE CHUTE (I MUST CATCH THEM ALL AND YET I AM DRUNK WITH WINE)

spigot: how much for the t-shirt with the minion making the dreamworks face and the word science!!!!!! under it

spigot: bbbbbbbbb shitting a b just as hard as shitting a p deuce: but a B is easier than a P deuce: ..................... OR IS IT ?!?!?!? spigot: a B would hurt then not hurt then hurt, at least with a b you get the hurt over with early deuce: well the b (or p or P) can get stuck spigot: don't get me started on the Y deuce: ANALYZING THE SHAPE WITH COMPUTER MODELING SOFTWARE deuce: SEEING HOW IT WOULD PASS THROUGH A COLORECTAL AREA spigot: the T deuce: J, K, X, Z: all pain letters spigot: give a lowercase i any day deuce: does the dot break off or no deuce: $ is like a fucking anchor deuce: IT'LL GET PURCHASE IN THERE AND JUST NEVER COME OUT deuce: this is one of our stranger conversations (and that's saying something) spigot: saving as pdf

deuce: someone over there is gay spigot: certainly not me

spigot: folks you're cordially invited to a night of black mold and asbestos and dehydration and suffocation

spigot: can i do squirts in the squat rack deuce: POP POP POP don't worry it's a nailgun POP POP POP

pants: are you ready 2 rock deuce: could use 30, 40 minutes pants: actually could we rock tomorrow night instead pants: yeah tomorrow is better for me too (4 me 2) pants: i'm better to rock after a fresh night's sleep and a shower and a mug of cocoa deuce: what about a good dump pants: no you must hold it in until it hurts and then wait some more deuce: i see

spigot: i really really really spigot: don't want to be that guy spigot: but spigot: fags of our fathers

spigot: if you show an unlicked dick in act one it better not be licked by act three because it's sunday and the bus only runs once an hour so i won't be there until act four thirty

spigot: it's not easy / licking dick spigot: it is for me but / probably not so much / for you

pants: what order should i watch black mirror in??? spigot: just please stop calling me

spigot: bash my face / with a dog food can

spigot: do you seriously not sell fleshlights longer than a fish tube

deuce: hey check out my dick pants: that is a completely normal dick deuce: dick type: STANDARD

effigy: mmmmm pants: gluh effigy: concur pants: hhhhh effigy: I THINK WE HAVE A QUORUM

spigot: hands up who can punch me in the face and shoe me in the sack

spigot: literally all the characters in star wars are gay

spigot: who's been beating off on the moon deuce: mcdonalds

pants: do u want 2 do things 2 me deuce: i do pants: feed me ice cream and candy deuce: will do pants: get back to me when you can

spigot: ***sob*** why can't someone dab on them haters????? spigot: seriously though where are all the hater dabbers spigot: coming up: a complimentary dab from me personally to all the haters out there hating spigot: HURRRNK spigot: i threw my back out

dick: uh deuce: omg pants: fuh spigot: unsubscribe

spigot: if you can't handle me at my worst you can't fondle me on my nuts

spigot: jean-charles you have fallen backwards into the artwork pants: literally bailey jay'd

spigot: this is the zodiac speaking spigot: guess we're playin' phone tag

spigot: suck it deuce: no spigot: please deuce: yes spigot: BHAOBHR)E(UBN{W($&@$*T}_@*}

deuce: that's an awful lot of boring shit, thanks

deuce: do not mock my balls (even though they are very mockable)

spigot: to protect and to squirt spigot: fine i will download pbs nova: thai cave rescue (2018) but it's going in the trash if anyone has their shirt off

deuce: NOW MY CARPET IS WET pants: same

pants: OH GOD IT'S EATING ME pants: DANGLING ME BY MY LEG PRECARIOUSLY OVER HIS MOUTH AND JAWS pants: OH WHY AM I NOT DYING

pants: for instance pants: you might say pants: i walked past the drug store

effigy: I need a horn section spigot: i.e. an erection

spigot: hey space: make something that doesn't look like dog shit spigot: hey universe: the cat box called, it wants those galaxies back spigot: hey neil degrasse tyson: (hangs up because it's a crank call) spigot: hello spigot: i said more like neil degrabs ladies

pants: flop pants: sorry pants: flop pants: sorry not sorry pants: flop pants: leaving them down pants: waddling everywhere

pants: haulghalhgluahlg i am pants deuce: greetings pants deuce: I am [name redacted] pants: let us dance

pants: printing an 24x18 picture of myself, framing it, signing it with a silver pen, wrapping it, merry christmas pants: smiling, thumbs up

spigot: LET'S ALL PUT OUR BALLS TOGETHER FOR SPIGOT deuce: HONK BONK HONK BONK spigot: SLAP BONK DUH BOOT deuce: (SOUND OF BALLS)

deuce: WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU GODDAMN LEAVING atandt: THIS IS MY HOME NOW deuce: I SAID OUT

spigot: fuggeddabobtbuubouggbtpptpbpitiit spigot: seriously just let it go

pants: COCKS deuce: PUT THEM HERE deuce: <--------------

spigot: HERE WE GO / HERE WE GO / HERE WE GO / AGAIN spigot: GIRLS WHAT'S MY WEAKNESS / MATH spigot: ALSO I TALK DURING SHOWS

spigot: INSTEAD OF BASHING GAYS ALL THE TIME YOU COULD TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS spigot: FOR INSTANCE MY BALLS ARE BOTH TENDER spigot: *HURF* KICKING

deuce: if you look closely you'll see the biggest problem is that there's a woman in the captain's chair pants: a dystopian sci-fi future

spigot: K O Y A A N I S Q U I R T S I spigot: how about just tits without the woman bolted on spigot: am i being detained pants: sir please roll down your window

pants: remix me deuce: stuffing you in a shoe pants: hurray i'm a sock

deuce > <Meow Mix jingle> pants > well now i have to poo deuce > well me too but you don't see me bragging about it do you!!!!!!! (cut to hundreds of notarized documents indicating that I clearly have done so) pants > lawyers in a boardroom with lawyers of their own, ordering chinese food late at night, rolling up their sleeves, hashing out the details