spigot: DO YOU THINK MICHAEL FARADAY EVER LOCKED HIS PENIS IN ONE OF HIS OWN CAGES deuce: HIS PENIS WOULD THEN BE UNABLE TO SEND ELECTROMAGNETIC SIGNALS OUT spigot: ARE WE TO BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT HE EJACULATES

spigot: PRESSING THE FLIPPER ZERO AGAINST MY PENIS

pants: THE FATTEST, THE GAYEST pants: THE FATTEST AND THE GAYEST pants: WHAT I'M SAYING IS

pants: SUCKING DICK ON MONSTER ISLAND pants: SHORT TUGBOAT TRIP TO ISLE OF NABOOMBU FOR LUNCH (JUST LUNCH) pants: SUCKING DICK ON KONG ISLAND pants: JUST AN 18 HOUR PLANE RIDE TO THE ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU TO SUCK SOME APE-MAN DICK pants: NOW I'M SUCKING DICK AT CLUB PENGUIN

deuce: WHAT'S CHRISTOPHER WALKEN DOING ON ARRAKIS (DESERT PLANET)

spigot: BEATING OFF DOESN'T HURT ANYONE AND IT'S GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT

spigot: DOING NEWTON'S CRADLE WITH MY OWN BALLS deuce: YOUR TESTICLES HAVE AN IMPRESSIVE COEFFICIENT OF RESTITUTION

pants: KNOCK KNOCK deuce: WHO'S THERE pants: INTERRUPTING COW deuce: INTERRUP pants: MMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO deuce: KNOCK KNOCK pants: WHO'S THERE deuce: EXTREMELY POLITE COW pants: EXTREMELY POLITE COW WHO deuce: MOO

pants: STEPHEN FRY IS ACTIVELY BATTLING PROSTATE CANCER deuce: WITH WHAT A BROOMSTICK

spigot: WHICH SOPRANOS CHARACTER ON SESAME STREET ARE YOU ??? :beep: BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK spigot: YOU ARE BADA BERT

pants: SYMANTEC SHOULD HAVE NEVER HALTED ITS DISCOUNT PROGRAM WITH THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION pants: THAT REALLY ACTIVATED MY ALMONDS pants: PLEASE STAND BY WHILE I RECEIVE AN URGENT NOTIFICATION FROM THE SHORT MESSAGING SERVICE BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP :text: IF YOU'RE STUCK IN A TOILET pants: ASLK;DJF

spigot: GOD spigot: GRANT ME THE SERENITY spigot: TO LICK THE DICKS I HAVEN'T LICKED spigot: THE COURAGE spigot: TO LICK THE DICKS I CAN spigot: AND THE WISDOM spigot: TO LICK TWO OR THREE MORE DICKS BEFORE BEDTIME spigot: WELL MY NAME IS SPIGOT AND I'M A BIG DUMB DICKLICKER spigot: I'VE BEEN LICKING DICK SINCE OH I DON'T KNOW spigot: THE START OF THIS MEETING spigot: AND I DEFINITELY COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT THE PROGRAM

spigot: WHY ARE HOT DOGS EIGHT TO A PACK WHEN MY ASS FITS TEN spigot: THEY SHOULD MAKE A BLACK VERSION OF DO THE RIGHT THING AND CALL IT DO THE RIGHT THANG spigot: I WILL TOO BRING A NAIL GUN TO THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE

pants: I WILL BE THE ASHLEY BABBIT OF OXYCONTIN deuce: DO I GET TO SHOOT YOU IN THE NECK pants: ONE FLOPPY TIT FALLS OUT

spigot: SHOULD I HANG MYSELF IN THE DATA CENTER pants: THAT'S NOT WHAT THE DATA CENTER IS FOR

pants: ACTUALLY **HER** NAME IS JACQUELINE REACHER NOW

spigot: CHECK OUT MY NEW KICKS!!! pants: THAT MEANS SHOES pants: ARE THOSE spigot: APPLE-CINNAMON BEAR CLAWS FROM HAPPY DONUTS

deuce: IF I COULD HAVE ANY KIND OF PENIS IT WOULD BE A SEVERED PENIS spigot: IN THAT CASE YOU COULD HAVE TWO OR THREE pants: T SPIGOT HE'S TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT spigot: THREE SENSIBLY PORTIONED PENISES 5 HOURS APART THROUGHOUT THE DAY AND THEN NO PENISES AFTER 6PM

spigot: HELLO pants: TAKING MOMMY'S STRAP IN YOUR FAT, GAY ASSHOLE spigot: WHO'S CALLING PLEASE pants: TAKING MOMMY'S STRAP IN YOUR FAT, GAY ASSHOLE spigot: I'M HANGING UP NOW

spigot: SPENDING 2024 ON THE TOILET

spigot: ARE WE AS A GROUP CLOSE TO COLLECTING ALL 6 MCNUGGET BUDDIES spigot: ASSUMING WE'RE ALL AWARE THEY CAN MIX AND MATCH CLOTHES, ACCESSORIES, HATS spigot: PLEASE TAKE A HANDOUT

spigot: T PANTS DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE MCNUGGET BUDDIES SCRUM deuce: HE WAS BANNED FROM THOSE IN 2021 FOR REASONS THEY ARE NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DISCLOSE pants: I PUT THEM IN MY BOTTOM

pants: ERSTWHILE deuce: HERETOFORE pants: GASSY deuce: EBULLIENT spigot: HOMPH HOMPH HOW MANY FRIES AM I HOLDING UP

pants: OPERATION DINNER OUT IS A GO deuce: COPY THAT, FATTY ACTUAL

spigot: CHAD FAMILY ANNIHILATOR pants: VIRGIN WEEKEND DAD

deuce: MY BALLS ARE NON-GMO deuce: (LEANS CLOSER TO MIC) I SAID MY BALLS ARE NON-GMO

spigot: I USE A BURNER HAM RADIO SO NOBODY FINDS OUT I HELP ELDERLY OPERATORS UP THE STAIRS TO PANCAKE BREAKFASTS AT THE OAKS SHOPPING CENTER

spigot: SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR PENIS IF YOU LIVE IN THESE THREE ZIPCODES

spigot: I HAVE THE SQUIRTS AND STILL NO GARLIC BREAD

spigot: I PUT SCALLOPED POTATOES IN THE DISK DRIVE

deuce: I'M KEEPIN' CLEAN IN THE ANTHROPOCENE

spigot: IF YOU WERE SERIOUS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT YOU'D KEEP SUCKING

deuce: WELL I SURE SLEPT LIKE SHIT dick: AND I DIDN'T POOP VERY WELL pants: WHAT deuce: RIOTING dick: NO TOO TIRED, HAVE TO NAP deuce: JEALOUS pants: WHAT pants: HOLD ON MY HEARING AID IS OFF pants: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE pants: MAYBE JUST WRITE DOWN YOUR REQUEST AND BURY IT IN THE FOREST

pants: THE GREAT REPLACEMENT THEORY IS WHERE OVER TIME THE EMPTY SPACE IN YOUR MOUTH BECOMES OCCUPIED BY MY COCK

spigot: DID YOU ALL GET MY DICKLICKING LOYALTY VOUCHERS

pants: I NOTICE NONE OF YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO TUNE INTO MY GARDENING LIVESTREAM pants: I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER pants: BOTH OF YOU MISSED OUT ON THE PLANTING OF THE ORANGE HAT TOMATO PLANT spigot: OH THAT WAS TODAY deuce: I WAS BUSY WASHING MY HAIR spigot: NO I WAS THERE JUST IN THE BACK

pants: T SPIGOT IS IT TOO EARLY TO PLANT MY BULBS spigot: YOU MEAN LIKE ON MY FACE

spigot: EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME BEHIND YOU HOT LASAGNA HERE

pants: IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MORNING WHERE I START TO THINK ABOUT SWITCHING FROM A BATHROBE TO SWEATS

pants: WHY DOESN'T BONEQUEST HAVE A PODCAST OR A PONZI SCHEME spigot: THIS / IS HOW / WE DO / IT / FREEZES TO DEATH IN A TENT

spigot: WHAT'S THE POINT OF WHIPPING OUT MY HAND WITH LIGHTNING FAST CAT-LIKE REFLEXES TO GRAB AND SQUEEZE A FRUITFLY IF WHEN I OPEN MY HAND IT FLAPS OUT UNHARMED INTO MY FAT STUPID FACE

pants: DOUBLE SHIFTS AT THE DICKLICKING FACTORY pants: JUST SO I CAN WORK WEEKENDS AT THE CRINGE PLANT

pants: WAY WAY WAY WAY PAST BI-CURIOUS AND RIGHT ON DOWN THE ROAD TO HANGING AROUND THE OLD BARN

spigot: ROUGHLY TEN MILLION CALORIES PER DAY spigot: HE SUCKS THE SAME DICK TWICE IN SUCCESSION YET PRODUCES TWO CLEARLY DIFFERENT TONES deuce: THE VERY DEFINITION OF INSANITY

spigot: A MURDER AT THE END OF MY PATIENCE pants: FOUND: PLUMPERS PASS, ON SIDE OF ROAD, LEFT WITH LOCAL PD spigot: DO WE KNOW HOW MANY PLUMPER POINTS ARE ON IT

spigot: DO I REALLY WANT TO DEFEND MYSELF USING THE WORD TWINK pants: YOUR TWINK DAYS ENDED IN 1995 pants: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO TWINKS AFTER THEY GRADUATE pants: I GUESS THEY GET PHDS

pants: IT'S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY !!! deuce: I'M AWARE spigot: ARE YOU FOLKS WATCHING THE YOUNG SHELDON MARATHON ON PARAMOUNT PLUS effigy: FUCK KANSAS CITY pants: WHERE'S JIMMY G pants: FUCK KANSAS CITY deuce: IS THAT A REAL PLACE spigot: HOLY SHIT YOUNG SHELDON JUST ORDERED A SECOND DESSERT effigy: THEY'RE NOT BOOING THEY'RE SHOUTING JUSZCZYK pants: WHERE'S TAYLOR spigot: THEY JUST FOUND YOUNG SHELDON'S BODY

spigot: IF YOUR PENIS IS CIRCUMCISED WE RESPECTFULLY ASK THAT YOU USE THE :BANANA: EMOJI

spigot: HOW COME WHEN I SUCK DICK IT SOUNDS LIKE A DOT MATRIX PRINTER

pants: MY STARBUCKS LID BROKE deuce: STRETCH YOUR BALL SACK AROUND THE TOP AND SECURE IT WITH A RUBBER BAND pants: CAN I STILL BIKE TO WORK pants: OKAY YOU'RE GONE pants: HOT pants: HOT pants: HOT pants: HOT pants: HOT pants: HOT pants: NOW I NEED ICED COFFEE

spigot: I'M THE **COOL** MATH TEACHER WHO DROPS THE REQUIRED TEXTBOOK IN THE TRASH CAN AND PULLS OUT HIS PENIS INSTEAD deuce: YOUR PENIS HAS MEASURE ZERO spigot: DELETE THIS

spigot: EXCITED FOR MORE TRUE DETECTIVE: SNOOZE COUNTRY FEATURING MUSIC BY DOG SHIT pants: W-WAIT WHERE'S TONY AND SIL AND CHRISTOPHER deuce: A-A-AND CARMELLA???

spigot: CALLING THE FCC AND MY LOCAL CBS AFFILIATE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ARCHIE BUNKER FLUSHING THE TOILET 53 YEARS AGO spigot: ACTUALLY spigot: I CAN'T DECIDE IF THAT'S ABOVE MY PAY GRADE OR BELOW MY GAY PARADE

spigot: I'M JUST NOT SURE I'D TRUST A RAPE TEST KIT FROM TEMU

deuce: ADULTERATE ME deuce: WAIT, DON'T DO THAT deuce: I JUST LOOKED UP WHAT THAT WORD MEANS deuce: I THOUGHT IT MEANT SOMETHING ELSE deuce: SOMETHING BETTER pants: MMM LET ME TRY

spigot: T DEUCE I SAW YOUR POST ON REDDIT RE: HOW TOM BYRON'S CUMBACK PUSSY IS MORE LIKE TOM BYRON'S SENDBACK PUSSY deuce: FABRICATIONS deuce: SHENANIGANS deuce: SLANDER spigot: IF YOU LIKE LADIES, YOU'LL LOVE WHEN I LADIES NUTS ON YOUR FAT STUPID FACE pants: WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL SMOKES MARIJUANA AT HIS OWN CONFIRMATION

spigot: GETTING IN MY 10,000 DICKS EACH DAY spigot: 🎶 UP / TOWN / FRUITS spigot: I'LL MAKE A MESS OF ALL YOUR BUSINESS / SUITS 🎵 spigot: 🎶 I'M DROPPIN' LOOTS

deuce: CHOKE ME OUT pants: I'M TRYING BUT pants: EXHAUSTED FROM ALL THE POKING (BUT I COULD CHOKE A LITTLE MORE, I DUNNO) deuce: ARE YOU DEAD YET pants: I'M A MOUSE TUMBLING AROUND THE FIELD

pants: BARF ON MY WEIRD LITTLE BONER pants: DON'T MAKE ME BEG pants: ACTUALLY, NEVER THE MIND I MANAGED TO WORK SOMETHING OUT

pants: AVENGE NEX

pants: ALSO AVENGE JANE MOON AND FUCK DREWTOOTHPASTE pants: WHAT IS IT WITH THE STRAIGHTS LATELY pants: DON'T THEY HAVE ENOUGH TO DO

effigy: RAPPER MC LYTE FILES FOR DIVORCE AFTER 3 YEARS OF MARRIAGE deuce: MY TIME TO SHINE deuce: AND SHE MET HER LAST HUSBAND ON MATCH.COM deuce: I KNOW WHAT TO DO deuce: I GOT THIS deuce: CLICKS GRINDR

spigot: THERE'S A WOMAN IN THE LOBBY WHO SAYS YOU OWE HER AND HER FRIEND $600 EACH pants: CAN I DOUBLE DOWN spigot: (WHISPERING) ONE OF THEM LOOKS LIKE A SIR pants: WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA spigot: S-SOMEONE MIGHT BE SLIPPIN' JIMMYING YOU pants: OKAY SO pants: THEY MAY HAVE A BUSINESS CASE ABOUT WHY I OWE THEM A PAYMENT

deuce: T PANTS REMEMBER WHEN RIKER WANTED TO FUCK A HOLOGRAM BUT JUST ENDED UP FUCKING ME MORE IN THE ASS pants: T DEUCE I DO NOT REMEMBER

deuce: ADULTERATE ME (NOT THIS AGAIN) pants: NO NO GO AHEAD pants: LOOSENING SWEATS

spigot: DO WE ALL AGREE THAT IT'S PROBABLY BEDTIME pants: GATHER ROUND AND WATCH ME BEAT OFF spigot: I HAD DIAREAR LAST MONTH pants: GET OFFA ME spigot: GETTING A JUMP ON TOMORROW'S PENISES

spigot: CLICK HERE TO OPT OUT OF CHOPPING YOUR DICK OFF spigot: GUESS I SHOULDA READ THAT

pants: T SPIGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP AND spigot: I DON'T CARE FOR ANYTHING REPRESENTED IN REAL LIFE OR IN CYBER-SPACE

pants: PUT ME IN THE CORNER pants: THEN DING THE BELL AND I'LL COME OUT FIGHTING deuce: BUT YOU'LL NEVER LEARN YOUR LESSON pants: YOU STICK TO WORKING THE REFS AND I'LL SLOWLY LEVEL UP MY BRAIN DAMAGE deuce: YOU DON'T DING A BELL YOU RING THE BELL BUT THE BELL DOES IN FACT GO DING pants: CAN'T YOU GO ANY FASTER deuce: DING pants: AHLGALGHALG HLUAHGLUAHGLUAH LUGHLAGHNLAG

pants: I APPEAR TO HAVE TORN MY STOCKINGS deuce: I CHIPPED A NAIL, NOW I CAN'T GO TO THE PROM pants: BUT WE CAN GO TO THE MALL TOGETHER!!!!!! HUNTING FOR BOYS AND SBARRO

pants: THE EXPRESS LANE TO MY BALLS: pants: TAKE IT pants: IGUANAS SNAKES RACCOONS POSSUMS BEES DUCKS pants: ONE OF THOSE DOESN'T BELONG IN THAT LIST

spigot: CANCER STICKS pants: NANCY BOOTS deuce: TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT

spigot: ALL I KNOW IS ONCE I RETIRE I'LL HAVE TO GROW MY OWN CORN DOGS

deuce: GUYS WE MISSED ADA LOVELACE DAY

spigot: YOU KNOW I JUST REALIZED I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR THREE HOURS AND NOT ONCE HAVE I ASKED _HOW_ MY WIFE AND CHILDREN WERE MURDERED spigot: YES I WOULD LIKE MORE WATER

pants: THIS UNLICKED DICK IS DEDICATED TO THE BRAVE MUJAHIDEEN FIGHTERS OF AFGHANISTAN pants: HALGUHALUGHUALGHLHULAGAG pants: GHLAUHGLAHLAUGHAG pants: BGAULGHBLAHGLHAGLAG

spigot: MY PENIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY HELLO FRESH effigy: I AM STILL SPONSORED BY SQUARESPACE

pants: I WOULD LIKE TO "CHOKE THAT SHIT ON DOWN" AS YOU PUT IT pants: FORCE ME TO PLAY IT LIKE A FLUTE

spigot: BUT HERE'S THE THING, FOLKS: CHANDLER HALDERSON NEVER HAD PENIS REDUCTION SURGERY spigot: HE NEVER WENT TO THE MOON spigot: HE NEVER BUILT A TIME MACHINE AND CLONED ADOLF HITLER spigot: THOSE WERE ALL LIES

pants: TRYING TO SCRATCH MY EAR WITH MY BACK FOOT, FALLING OVER deuce: [STAR TREK RED ALERT SOUND]

pants: IS IT TOO LATE FOR FILM SCHOOL I HAVE THIS IDEA FOR A SCRIPT WHERE (YOU HAVE STOPPED LISTENING TO ME) pants: SHOULD I GIVE INTO DESPAIR OR JUST SIMPLY BEAT OFF WHILE ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE ON CAMERA pants: AHEM DID YOU EVEN NOTICE THE TIP JAR pants: TAP TAP TAP

spigot: LICK MY DICK TO THESE LO-FI BEATS

spigot: :HELICOPTER: spigot: :BOOM: spigot: :MILITARY_HELMET: spigot: WHEN I DIE, BURY ME UPSIDE DOWN SO THE WORLD CAN FUCK ME MORE IN THE ASS

pants: THIS COMMITTEE OWES AN APOLOGY TO MICHAEL CORLEONE

deuce: I THINK YOU HAVE A PURDY MOUTH spigot: DELETE THIS deuce: SHUT

spigot: I HAVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST DRAFTS FOLDER I'M JUST OPENING IT UP TO PAID SUBSCRIBERS spigot: FLOATING UP TO HEAVEN TO BE WITH HITLER spigot: THEORETICALLY COULD A PERSON GET CANCELLED IF THERE WERE A VIDEO OF HIM (OR HER) DOING THE BARTMAN

pants: LET US REMIND OURSELVES THAT WE ARE IN GOD'S PRESENCE

spigot: ARE YOU PUMPING YOUR PATHETIC PENIS FOR THESE GOLDEN BROWN CRINKLE CUT ORE-IDA FRENCH FRIES spigot: OKAY I SENSE AD PLACEMENT spigot: AM I READY TO SHOOT MY LOAD INTO WHAT KIND OF REVERSE MORTGAGE NOW spigot: PLEASE STAY ON TOPIC deuce: BUY GOLD

spigot: NONE OF YOU SEEM TO UNDERSTAND spigot: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU spigot: YOU'RE LOCKED UP IN HERE WITH ME AND STOUFFER'S FAMILY STYLE LASAGNA AVAILABLE IN YOUR GROCER'S FREEZER

spigot: I KNOW MY MIC IS ON FUCK YOU (TINKLE SOUNDS)

deuce: ANY POST ON LINKEDIN CONSISTING OF SOMEONE HOLDING UP A WHITEBOARD/WHITE PLACARD WITH WRITING ON IT MAKES ME FEEL SORRY FOR THEM AND ALSO MAKES ME WANT TO MURDER THEM

deuce: ONLY THE BEST PISS deuce: THE FINEST URINE deuce: THE MOST ELEGANT WEE

spigot: DID OUR BUSINESS LICENSE EXPIRE OR CAN I STILL WALK AROUND WITH A TRAY OF BONEQUEST STICKERS LIKE A CIGARETTE GIRL pants: DO YOU EVEN FIT INTO YOUR COCKTAIL DRESS

effigy: ARE WE SO CONFIDENT IN OUR MEASUREMENTS THAT WE _KNOW_ DARK MATTER IS REAL? spigot: ARE YOU MEASURING FAIRLY OR STARTING AT THE BALLS

spigot: DO U DARE ME TO SUCK MY OWN DICK spigot: I KINDA NEEDA YES/NO

spigot: I'M SAD THAT I'M DRINKING MY LAST GUINNESS spigot: AND I'M SAD THAT I'M TOO LAZY TO GET MORE GUINNESS spigot: BUT HOW GRATEFUL AM I THAT DEUCE IS ON HIS WAY TO MY HOUSE IN A SELF-DRIVING CAR TO DELIVER MORE GUINNESS AND THEN HOPEFULLY LEAVE IMMEDIATELY pants: DEUCEDASH

pants: FORCE ME TO DRINK FROM THE URINAL deuce: FOLD, SPIN AND/OR MUTILATE ME pants: THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE TAKES A DIM VIEW OF YOUR COMMANDS

effigy: TODAY AIN'T SATURDAY pants: SO IT'S SUNDAY THEN?? effigy: DUNNO. JUST WOKE UP BECAUSE MY RABBIT HOLE IS FULL OF WATER pants: YA GOTTA DIG AT AN ANGLE AT THE START effigy: SHIT

spigot: DON'T BRING MORE FROZEN CORN DOGS INTO THE HOUSE UNTIL I'VE SAT ON THE EXISTING ONES pants: ARE YOU A COP pants: IF YOU ARE, YOU HAVE TO LICK MY DICK

pants: BEAT ME OFF AT THE HENRY MILLER MEMORIAL LIBRARY

spigot: TIME FOR MY 10AM PINT OF ICE CREAM FOLLOWED BY MY 10:30 PINT AND THEN I THINK I'M DUE FOR A PINT AT 11 effigy: TOTES BULK UP BRO spigot: CHRIST JESUS I'M LATE FOR MY 11:30 PINT effigy: FOCUS!

pants: AND THEN A DIFFERENT DICK (A TOTALLY DIFFERENT DICK THAN THE ONE BEFORE)

deuce: HEY EVERYBODY WHAT'S UP

deuce: T PANTS THIS IS THE EPISODE WHERE TOM PARIS CROSSES WARP 10 AND TURNS INTO A SMALL AMPHIBIAN AND KIDNAPS JANEWAY, TURNS HER INTO AN AMPHIBIAN TOO, AND TRIES TO FLEE AND KNOCKS HER UP AND THEY HAVE BABIES pants: AH YES THE FROG RAPE EPISODE deuce: RIGHT, THE FROG RAPE EPISODE

:first: ANGRY BUT NOT FOR LONG YOU'LL SEE pants: FART CONDITIONS OVERNIGHT: BURSTY pants: UPGRADED TO SCATTERED deuce: LET US KNOW IF WE GET TO SPOTTY BECAUSE THEN IT'S A REAL MESS

pants: CHANGES ARE IN THE WIND FOR FULL-SIZE LUXURY AUTOMOBILE OWNERS

spigot: ICED LEMON POUNDCAKES FROM STARBUCKS ARE BEST STRAIGHT FROM THE BAG BUT THEY NEED TO PUT THEM IN THE RIGHT WAY deuce: NAMELY, ASS-FIRST

spigot: I SERVED AT FORT FART deuce: LET'S SEE YOUR DD214 spigot: IT'S UH spigot: HERE IT IS: :HAMBURGER:

spigot: WHEN WOMEN THREATEN TO CALL HR I SAY PUFNSTUF????????? AND THEY FORGET ABOUT THE GROPES CAUSE NOW THEY SOUND DUMB

pants: PISSING 33% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 66% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE pants: PISSING 99% COMPLETE deuce: SOME LEAKED

pants: PUT BABY IN MIMIC MOUTH PUT BABY IN MIMIC MOUTH

pants: SUCKING DICK IN THE TOMB OF JESUS

pants: WHAT IF INSTEAD OF A 3 BODY PROBLEM IT WAS A 900 PENIS PROBLEM AND THEN INSTEAD OF 900 PENISES IT WAS A COOKIES, CAKES AND PIES PROBLEM AND WE HAD OUR OWN NETFLIX SHOW CALLED COOKIES, PIES AND CAKES AND IT WASN'T A PROBLEM AT ALL pants: COOKIES, CAKES AND PIES RENEWED FOR SECOND SEASON, CORBIN BERNSEN TO JOIN CAST AS REGULAR

deuce: SUDDEN INFANT DIARRHEA SYNDROME spigot: ASKING YOU POLITELY TO LOOK FOR WORMSIGN

spigot: CARROTS AND CELERY ARE THE REAL CANCER STICKS spigot: WEIRDLY I HAVE NO PROBLEM WHITTLING ZUCCHINIS INTO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL spigot: I WHITTLE THEM UNTIL THEY'RE GONE AND WE CAN'T HAVE ZUCCHINI

pants: 4:00 PM COFFEEDRINK pants: I'M ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS!!!!!!!!! AND I NEEDS TO KNOW!!!!!!!!! SHOW ME YOUR COCK pants: WHY AM I TYPING THESE HORRIBLE THINGS

spigot: I'M SO PROFOUNDLY EMBARRASSED FOR OUR SOLAR SYSTEM

:hey: OUR SHIT HERE: WWW.BONEQUEST.STORE pants: FRACTURE MY FACE deuce: WITH A PENIS pants: AND THEN ANOTHER (TOTALLY DIFFERENT) PENIS deuce: A FLOTILLA OF PENISES deuce: EVENTUALLY GROWING TO AN ARMADA

pants: SUCKING DICK IN THE SHADOW OF HEROD'S MASSACRE OF THE INNOCENTS

spigot: CAN YOU NOT PLAY ADAGIO FOR BASSOON WHILE I PULL MY PENIS

pants: HELP HELP MY GIANT AMERICAN PENIS WANTS TO PISS ON THE FLOOR BUT THAT WOULD BRING SHAME TO MY FAMILY

spigot: PISS BURGER GETTING TERRIBLE REVIEWS spigot: THE BUNS ARE WET

pants: SUCKING DICKS USING THE POMODORO TECHNIQUE (25 DICKS THEN TAKE A BREAK WITH 5 TOTALLY DIFFERENT DICKS)

pants: WHO WANTS TO HOLD MY HAND WHILE I BEAT OFF deuce: THE NON-BEATOFF HAND pants: I DIDN'T SPECIFY deuce: THAT'S WHY I DID

spigot: I HOPE THIS EMAIL FINDS YOU DECEASED

pants: LICKING DICK IN COORDINATED LUNAR TIME

spigot: WHO'S READY TO QUIT PORN AND EMBRACE CHRIST

pants: CONTENT WARNING: THIS REPORT INVOLVES DETAILS THAT MAY BE UPSETTING TO READERS. spigot: JUST GONNA ENJOY A QUICK BALONEY

spigot: I THINK YOU'RE SITTING ON MY CPAP TUBE deuce: I SHAT pants: EXCUSE ME BUT I'VE EARNED A TREAT pants: HORMPTH HOMPTH BAG OF COOKIES

pants: WHAT TIME DOES THE TWINK PARADE START

spigot: GIVING YOU EVERY CHANCE IN THE WORLD TO BE FART SMART spigot: I FEEL LIKE MAYBE THE BUTT PLUG COUNCIL GOT TO YOU

spigot: MY ERECTION CROSSED THE RAINBOW BRIDGE TODAY

pants: BEATOFF PRISON pants: HEY GANG, GREAT NEWS: BEATOFF PAROLE deuce: REGISTERED BEATOFF OFFENDER LIST pants: SUING THE GOVERNMENT TO RESTORE MY BEATOFF VOTING RIGHTS

spigot: I SAT ON MY HAYES MICROMODEM pants: YOU'LL NEVER GET FIRED FOR PUTTING A HAYES MODEM IN YOUR BOTTOM deuce: HOW ABOUT HAYES-COMPATIBLE pants: I'M NOT ACTUALLY A MODEM LAWYER

pants: NOBODY CAN TELL I'M OBESE UNDER MY PUFFER VEST

pants: BARF ON THE COCK THEN STAND AT ATTENTION WHILE YOU SALUTE THE COCK THAT YOU BARF ON pants: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY

effigy: :HIGH_HEEL: pants: SEE WHAT YOU DID, NOW I HAVE TO BEAT OFF

deuce: SO MANY YAWNS pants: PUNCH THEM DOWN deuce: UF deuce: MY FISF IS STUCF pants: I'LL GET HELP (SUCKS OWN DICK, FALLS ASLEEP)

pants: BROTHERS SHOULD BE CLOSE DON'T YOU THINK deuce: LEADING YOU DOWN INTO THE BASEMENT, CLOSING THE DOOR AND LOCKING YOU IN

spigot: I'M NOW OLD ENOUGH TO BE SPIDER-MAN'S FATHER pants: YOU MEAN HIS UNCLE

effigy: DO TOOTSIE ROLLS COUNT AS DINNER??? deuce: IF YOU EAT ENOUGH OF 'EM

spigot: IT'S CATGPT AND ALL IT SAYS IS MEOW deuce: I'D PAY FOR THAT pants: $20/MO OR $200/YR

pants: HANDS BEHIND HEAD, LEANING BACK, OKAY, NOW: BEAT ME OFF deuce: WHY ISN'T IT HARD pants: WELL pants: MAYBE TAKE OFF YOUR TOP, DANCE AROUND A LITTLE, BREAK OUT THE SOCK PUPPETS

spigot: I NEVER SELECT RESTART OR SLEEP spigot: I SELECT SHUT DOWN EACH AND EVERY NIGHT spigot: AND I STAND THERE MOTIONLESS spigot: UNTIL EVERY FAN, spigot: EVERY GPU spigot: AND EVERY DRIVE spigot: SPINS DOWN TO DEAD SILENCE spigot: BEFORE THE UNIVERSE WAS FORMED spigot: LIKE OUR ELDERS TAUGHT US effigy: TRANSLATION: NO MINECRAFT FARM pants: HERE

spigot: I BUILT A PARTICLE COLLIDER IN MY SOCK

pants: TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY SQUARESPAAAAAA deuce: AND NORDVPPPPPPPPPPPPP

deuce: GEOLOCATE MY DICK pants: WHAT DO I WIN IF I FIND IT deuce: MY DICK

spigot: DEMOTED TO FIRST LIEUTENANT STABBIN deuce: FROM THIS WE CAN DETERMINE THAT STABBIN IS A SOLDIER OR A MARINE AND NOT A SAILOR

spigot: RAFAH, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT spigot: WILL HE EVER TOP BANANAPHONE

spigot: I WAS TOUCHED INAPPROPRIATELY BY DAVID BLAINE deuce: NOT DAVID COPPERFIELD ???? spigot: THAT'S WHY I'M SAD

pants: BEETLEDEUCE BEETLEDEUCE BEETLEDEUCE deuce: WHAT pants: YOU SUCK

spigot: YOUR HONOR, WEBSTER'S NEW WORLD COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY DEFINES "CHILD TRAFFICKING" AS

deuce: T PANTS ARE YOU HOME YET??? pants: JUST GOT HOME :pants: DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA deuce: HURRAY :we: ASKED HIM NOT TO, REPEATEDLY deuce: SO SLEEPY pants: AND YET SO HORNY pants: HORNY FOR PENIS???? pants: PROBABLY pants: I DON'T KNOW pants: I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SHIT

pants: ARE YOU XORING THINGS spigot: IN MY CHEEKS FOR WINTER

spigot: BEATING OFF INTO A SCENTED CANDLE spigot: SORRY BUT I BE SPITTIN STRAIGHT FACT

pants: HALP

spigot: SO IF WE LOOK AT YOUR PENIS WE WON'T FIND ANY GUNSHOT RESIDUE, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

pants: T DEUCE BUT HOW OLD ARE YOU IN JACKOFF YEARS deuce: MUST DO UNIT CONVERSION

spigot: BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS spigot: AND BALLBAGS spigot: DO YOU DARE ME TO DO A BM IN MY STILLSUIT spigot: PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FOREVER CHEMICALS IN MY PENIS AND THE SHARP PLASTIC NANO-FRAGMENTS IN MY WIFE'S PENIS

spigot: HOW ABOUT SOME LONG DONGS DELIVERED TO MY INBOX

spigot: BONEQUEST PANNED AS E-WASTE

deuce: SMEAR BUTTER ON ME pants: ARE YOU DELICIOUS TOAST deuce: I AM NOT

spigot: YOU CAN TRANS IF YOU WANT TO spigot: YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR DICKS BEHIND spigot: MEN WITHOUT DICKS

pants: THE TOILET IS `CLOGGED` pants: PRESS ENTER TO CONTINUE

spigot: TAKING A SHIT IN THE SYSTEM FOLDER

spigot: T DEUCE IF PIZZA IS SO GREAT WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ONE DELIVERED TO ME deuce: I'LL DOORDASH YOU A DICK spigot: NOT WHAT I REQUESTED deuce: UBER EATSING YOU ANOTHER DICK spigot: DID YOU TIP

effigy: :WHITE_CHECK_MARK: PASSPORT effigy: :WHITE_CHECK_MARK: VISA effigy: :WHITE_CHECK_MARK: PLANE TICKET pants: MY UNVAXXED LOAD ??? effigy: GROSS

deuce: HOW MANY PANTS pants: I CONTAIN MULTITUDES deuce: YOU'RE TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN deuce: WELL TEN TURTLES, AN ATLAS, TWENTY MORE TURTLES, ANOTHER ATLAS, BUT AFTER THAT IT'S ALL TURTLES deuce: OKAY WITH A FEW MORE RANDOM ATLASES pants: SISYPHUS IS INVOLVED SOMEWHERE pants: WHAT WAS HIS CRIME ANYWAY

spigot: PRETTY SURE MY PENIS HANGING OUT IS FREE SPEECH pants: FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION pants: THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS pants: A THRILL FOR THE LADIES pants: WE ARE ALL WINNERS HERE

pants: ALL CAPS, SCREAMING AT THE CEILING pants: IN THIS HOUSE WE SIT UP STRAIGHT WHEN RACHEL MADDOW IS ON pants: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT BUT YOU DO HAVE TO LICK IT pants: SPAZZING OUT IN THE JUNIOR HIGH LOCKER ROOM pants: SERVING CUNT TO THE MAILMAN pants: HELLDIVERS TO HELLPODS HUALGHLAGHLAG pants: THE SAME TIRED OBSERVATIONS ABOUT COCKS AND BALLS, OVER AND OVER, AMEN pants: TIRED

deuce: SPOCK IS HALF-VULCAN deuce: AND DEFEATED DARTH VADER deuce: ON BABYLON 5 deuce: (AN HAIKU)

pants: CAPTAINS LOG, pants: STARDATE 1 pants: JUST INVENTED STARDATES

pants: LOVE ME, LOVE MY BONER pants: DON'T WORRY HE WON'T BITE pants: SORRY HE'S NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE

spigot: HAPPY SHORT PENIS SATURDAY spigot: IT'S POSSIBLE I MADE THAT UP

pants: HAPPY FAG DAY EVERYBODY!!!!!! deuce: IS IT A NATIONAL OR BANK HOLIDAY pants: CANADIAN

spigot: CAN I PLEASE ASK WHO TOOK A SHIT IN THE DEVELOPER DISTRIBUTION PORTAL spigot: IT GOT DISTRIBUTED ALL OVER THE DEVELOPERS spigot: THE PORTAL IS FINE

spigot: HEY REDDIT I'LL DO A PUSHUP FOR EVERY DICK I SUCK

spigot: WHAPPING MY DICK ALONG THE PICKET FENCE

pants: FUCK MY BUSTER BROWNS deuce: PEE IN MY EAR HOLE pants: REALLY SHAKING OUT THE URINE deuce: GIVING ME SWIMMER'S EAR (WITH PISS) pants: BLBLBBLBLBL

pants: T DEUCE I AM FAT GETTING FATTER BUT NOT AT MY FATTEST YET deuce: YOU'VE GOT A GOOD 10-15 MINUTES LEFT pants: EATING BAGELS AS FAST AS I CAN

pants: HOW CAN WE KEEP GAYS LIKE ME OFF SOCIAL MEDIA pants: WHY YES I WILL HAVE A CAN OF ICED COFFEE THAT WILL KEEP ME UP UNTIL 2 AM pants: RAVE WHISTLE.WAV pants: NEED KNOW INFO: IS MAKING FUN OF A GROWN MAN'S FANNYPACK (MINE) STOLEN VALOR OR CANCEL CULTURE

effigy: MY PENIS HAS ERROR BARS

pants: MY COCK IS NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH pants: SUBTEXT: TOTALLY TRIFLE WITH MY COCK, FUCKING GO, DO IT

spigot: YOUR HEALTH IS YOUR BIGGEST ASSET deuce: MY HEALTH CAN FUCK ITSELF pants: I'D SAY MY ASS IS MY BIGGEST ASSET spigot: WILLING TO LICK STARTING AT ZERO DOLLARS PER MONTH

pants: WHEN CAN I TAKE MY ECLIPSE GLASSES OFF deuce: WHEN THE NEXT ECLIPSE HAPPENS

spigot: IF I BEAT OFF IN YOUR FACE IS THAT STAND YOUR GROUND

spigot: MY PENIS HANGING OUT IS NOT THE ISSUE pants: YOUR PENIS HAS BARELY TOUCHED THE SEEDBELL I BOUGHT FOR HIM

deuce: I'M A HEDGE FUND MANAGER deuce: (SQUEEZING OUT A PERFECTLY COILED SOFT SERVE POO)

spigot: WISH YOU WOULD STOP REMARKING ON THE "ENSHITTIFICATION" OF MY ERECTION

deuce: WHAT WILL OUR DESCENDANTS SAY pants: THEY WILL SEX deuce: GROSS pants: IF YOU THINK THAT'S GROSS YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!! (PANTS LOGS OUT, DELETES HIS ACCOUNT, MOVES TO RURAL OREGON) deuce: (DEUCE AS A GRANDFATHER ON HIS DEATHBED, SURROUNDED BY A HUGE LOVING EXTENDED FAMILY, LAST WORDS:) AND I'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

spigot: I FEEL BAD FOR HAVING TO REMIND YOU OF THIS, AND I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU, BUT . . . . . . . . IT IS TITTY TUESDAY pants: DOES THAT MEAN TACOS FOR LUNCH

pants: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE deuce: (TINNITIS)

spigot: MY LUMBERING AUTISTIC SON DID A BUNCH OF WEIRD HORRIBLE THINGS ?????????? W H A T

pants: MAYBE SOMEDAY WE CAN USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE TO HAVE KEVIN COSTNER RE-DO THE VOICE OVER FOR _WINGS OF DESIRE_ INSTEAD OF THAT DREARY GERMAN

spigot: DO YOU DARE ME TO SHIT MY LEGS OFF

spigot: DID YOU LICK A DICK spigot: YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO THOUSANDS IN COMPENSATION spigot: THOUSANDS MORE DICKS

pants: PASSING A NOTE TO THE TELLER DEMANDING A HUG

pants: BELCH deuce: CLARIFY pants: BELCH deuce: CLARIFY!!! deuce: DEEP BARITONE BELCH OR NEAR-VOMIT BELCH OR SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BELCH pants: BARNEY FROM THE SIMPSONS deuce: WELL HELD

pants: T DEUCE YOUR "MOOD BOARD" IS JUST SHIT SMEARS deuce: (LIFTS FACE, SMEARED WITH POO) WHAT'S A MOOD BOARD

spigot: I WOULD STING AND DROWN STEVE IRWIN SEVERAL TIMES A DAY deuce: NOTE: HE DID NOT ACTUALLY DROWN deuce: THE IMPORTANT THING IS THE STINGRAY GOT AWAY WITH IT deuce: JUSTIFIED, NO CHARGES FILED deuce: RETURNED HOME TO A TICKER-TAPE PARADE deuce: GIVEN THE KEY TO THE (UNDERWATER) CITY deuce: MANY FAWNING INTERVIEWS ON STINGRAY TELEVISION deuce: BUT CABLE, NOT BROADCAST

pants: PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE pants: I AM YOUR SIZE pants: YOU COULD TOTALLY PICK ON ME

pants: WHY I BLOG spigot: AN OPEN LETTER

deuce: I WOULD DESCRIBE MY WANG AS BEATIFIC pants: BUT IS IT YOUR BEST FRIEND

pants: SUCKING OFF THE MONSTER OF THE LAKE pants: GET GEN X ON THE HORN, I CAN'T OPEN THIS PDF pants: OOF REALLY WEDGED IN HERE :WOOD: pants: PLEASE HELP ME I'M FAT AND STUCK pants: ARM TRANS PEOPLE pants: NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT SOMETHING pants: JULY IS DRESSED UP AND PLAYING HER TUNE 🎶 pants: SENDING IN AN EAGLE

deuce: THE GUN IS ON THE DESK deuce: YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO: deuce: FIRE IT IN THE AIR AND SHOUT "YEE HAW"

pants: PRICKS AND DICKS: 100% THE SAME pants: HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS BUT THEY'RE HORNY pants: WHAT YOU CALL DINNER I CALL CRUNCH TIME pants: DO MOON ROCKS (ROCKS FROM THE MOON) HAVE DICKS deuce: SOME DO pants: ASKING FOR A (GAY) FRIEND pants: EVEN A STOPPED CLOCK LICKS A MOON ROCK'S DICK TWICE A DAY pants: BARF ON MY THING deuce: CLARIFY WHICH THING: deuce: YOUR BUTTPLUG-SHAPED TIVO REMOTE, deuce: THE ZUCCHINI YOU'RE CURRENTLY CLEANING, deuce: OR THE BIG BLACK DILDO IN THE MEDICINE CABINET pants: STAY OUT OF MY MEDICINE CABINET

pants: BEEZUS DOES RAMONA spigot: SUPERFUDGED

pants: MAY I PLEASE HAVE A TREAT PLACED ON THE TOP OF MY TONGUE pants: I WILL KEEP MY EYES CLOSED deuce: GRATE MY BALLS deuce: JUST RUN 'EM AGAINST A CHEESE GRATER UNTIL THEY'RE GONE

effigy: THE SHOW IS 88% JUST PEOPLE SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER pants: AND 12% BREAKING DOWN BOXES

pants: JESUS PUT US HERE ON EARTH TO FUCK AND SUCK THINGS pants: PLANTS, ANIMALS, MINERALS deuce: PROTISTS deuce: THE AIR deuce: ABSTRACT FEELINGS SUCH AS GRATITUTDE pants: YEAH ALL THAT SHIT GONNA GET SO FUCKED pants: PAC-MAN BUT THE GHOSTS ARE RETARDED AND EASILY SCARED

spigot: STOP CALLING MY PENIS A ZOMBIE FORECLOSURE

atandt: WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT atandt: THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL pants: BUT NOT THEIR DICKS deuce: PAULI EXCLUSION PRINCIPLE atandt: PAULI'S ALWAYS DID LOOK A BIT PECULIAR

spigot: PLEASE RISE FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM OF BONEQUEST pants: AGAIN???

effigy: SOMETIMES I ZONE OUT... THEN WHEN I SNAP OUT OF IT I REALIZE THAT I HAVE BEEN TAPPING MY BALLS LIKE BONGO DRUMS FOR THE PAST FEW MINUTES effigy: THEN I GO GET SOME ICE deuce: THAT'S WHAT RICHARD FEYNMAN WOULD DO BUT WITHOUT THE TESTICLES spigot: HE WOULD PULL HIS BALLS THROUGH HIS ZIPPER AND WALK AROUND LOS ALAMOS WAVING AT PEOPLE

spigot: IF I HAD BUT ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE MYSELF spigot: IT WOULD BE GOONING SMALL DICK PENIS PUMPER deuce: FUCKO spigot: NO, IT WOULD BE WHAT I SAID deuce: THAT'S SHORT FOR WHAT YOU SAID

deuce: BASTE ME pants: ARE YOU FOOD deuce: I CAN BE IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT

pants: Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LICK A DICK pants: UP IN HEEH-YEAH pants: UP IN HEEH-YEAH spigot: DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME ABOUT THE CRUMPLED UP POST-IT NOTE I FOUND IN THE TRASH THAT SAYS 2 ORCS 1 CUP

pants: JACK ME OFF deuce: JACK ME OFF PLANET deuce: A WHOLLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF JACKOFF PLANET pants: AVOIDING COMPETITION WITH SIMILAR-SOUNDING NAMES deuce: THEY'RE ATTEMPTING TO CORNER THE MARKET pants: AND THAT'S FAIR IF THEY'RE SPENDING THE MONEY ON TRADEMARKS AND LAWYERS pants: BUT FOR 90 YEARS MY FAMILY HAS BEEN SELLING GOODS UNDER THE MARK `JACK OFF PLANET` AND I'M WORRIED deuce: BUT WHEN THE CONGLOMERATE MOVED IN AND STARTING SELLING SERVICES UNDER THAT MARK YOU DIDN'T DEFEND YOUR TRADEMARK SO NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LITIGATE IT AND YOU'LL PROBABLY LOSE

spigot: WE ONLY TAKE YEGGS WHAT'S BEEN TO COLLEGE pants: MINK IS EDDIE DANE'S BOY deuce: YOU GUYS DON'T SPEAK RIGHT

spigot: TOUNGING WNAGS pants: HUG-AH-LUG-AH

spigot: A SPRINKLE OF MOZZARELLA ON THE DOG SHIT spigot: NO TOO MUCH MOZZARELLA

pants: I'M GOING TO BED pants: WAKE ME UP WHEN THE PROSTITUTES GET HERE deuce: THEN THAT WOULD TECHNICALLY QUALIFY AS A NAP pants: JUST WAKE ME IN TIME OTHERWISE YOU'RE MY PROSTITUTE deuce: ROGER THAT

spigot: MORE LIKE FROGGY WENT A-SUCKIN pants: SEXUALLY MANHANDLED deuce: APPROPRIATELY SHAKEN pants: NEVER STIRRED deuce: SHAKEN LIKE A BAD BABY deuce: OR A GOOD BABY WITH BAD PARENTS

spigot: WHAT IF YOU HOLD THE ZUCCHINI OVER THE SINK AND I JUST NOPE WORSE deuce: THE CHURCH OF JOE'S DICK pants: (SUGAR RAY VOICE) EVERY MORNING

spigot: IF YOU COULD WISH FOR THREE PEOPLE TO HAVE WITH YOU ON A DESERT ISLAND spigot: WOULD YOU NOT FACTOR IN WHETHER THEY'D ACTUALLY ENJOY BEING UPROOTED FROM THEIR LIVES AND STUCK THERE WITH YOU spigot: SUDDENLY EXPECTED TO DISPENSE WISDOM OR PERFORM OR BE ENGAGING IN ANY WAY deuce: I'D CHOOSE THEM BASED ON BEING A SUPPLEMENTAL FOOD SOURCE

pants: NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT YOUR GOLF CLUB spigot: HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY DAWKINS IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR KRAUSS deuce: KRAUSS TASTES LIKE DIRT deuce: WAIT I'M THINKING OF BRAZIL NUTS

pants: I'M BEGINNING TO SEE A POINT OF LIGHT ON THE HORIZON pants: IT'S UH GETTING LARGER pants: I'M GETTING SOME PRETTY GOOD OSCELLATIONS pants: IT'S COMING QUICKER NOW IT'S REALLY GOING pants: ANY SECOND NOW pants: HERE WE GO spigot: WHAT ABOUT THE 2024 FARTLYMPICS effigy: GODDAMMIT, I SCRATCHED MY GLASSES

deuce: I'M A BABBAGE MACHINE deuce: LET'S ALL LEARN ABOUT THE HISTORY OF COMPUTRYHT YEIYHBIHBGHDI spigot: ***SIGH*** deuce: T SPIGOT COME BACK SO I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT HOW JAMES BURKE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE pants: CONNECTIONSTHTH :SWEAT-DROPS:TH:SWEAT-DROPS:TH:SWEAT-DROPS:TH:SWEAT-DROPS:TH:SWEAT-DROPS: (LIMP-WRISTED)

pants: THE MARSHMALLOW TEST IS WHERE YOU SUCK DICK FOR MARSHMALLOWS :hormpth: HLUAGHALGAG pants: I PASSED THE MARSHMALLOW TEST

pants: INEZ LIKES BIRD

pants: DICK(S) deuce: WHERE pants: HOW MANY PACKETS THROUGH HOW MANY ROUTERS IS THIS GOING SO WE CAN JUST TALK ABOUT DICKS ACROSS NETWORKS deuce: 357305739067390573405973409 5734095730496793046709345673 9406793476034976930 4756390467349076394076 deuce: (APPROX.)

deuce: I'M ECUMENICAL deuce: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT'S A DOOZIE

pants: WHY IS IT WRONG pants: WHY NOT INDULGE YOURSELF HALGHLGHAG pants: VIVA LA PANTS

deuce: WANGITUDINAL (IT'S LIKE LONGITUDINAL BUT DIFFERENT)

spigot: I HOPE NO UKRANIANS PUSH INTO MY KURSK REGION

pants: WANTS AND NEEDS AND WEIRD KNOBBY PISS WIENERS pants: CAN THIS WAR OF YOURS FINALLY BE DONE pants: GRUNT deuce: SNORT pants: FREE HUGS deuce: HUHHHHHHHHH pants: HORM HARF pants: AND OTHER ICELANDIC NOISES

pants: SO I'M MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND THIS SUNFLOWER DEMANDS I PISS HIM UP :SUNFLOWER: 💦 deuce: PRACTICALLY A PISS TARGET (FT. THE FIBONACCI SEQUENCE) pants: DO YOU THINK THEY LIKE PISS (LOOKING FOR ANY EXCUSE) deuce: IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER IF THEY LIKE PISS OR NOT IF THEY DRESS LIKE THAT

spigot: "THE ANTICS AREN'T NEARLY AS CUTE AS THE FILM THINKS THEY ARE" spigot: EBERT DID NOT LIKE SCHINDLER'S LIST pants: NEW RULE: LESBIANS AREN'T CONSIDERED GAY effigy: YA, GAY TAKES WORK. pants: GAY MEANS KNOBBY DICKS AND SMOOTH ASIAN BOYS effigy: NODS WISELY

pants: WHO WANTS PANCAKES spigot: WHO WANTS PANCAKES effigy: WHO WANTS PANCAKES deuce: WHO WANTS PANCAKES pants: PANCAKES spigot: PANCAKES deuce: PANCAKES effigy: TOO MANY PANCAKES

deuce: T PANTS ALAN PARSONS PROJECT PLAYING IN MY DENTIST'S OFFICE

effigy: [LIFE OF CRIME] VS [CONTINUE LOOKING FOR JOB]

spigot: DO YOU DARE ME TO PIN MY PENIS TO THE TASKBAR

pants: WHAT GOOD SHALL WE DO THIS DAY spigot: WHAT I GOTTA KNOW IS BONEQUEST.COM/PRICKS/

deuce: WAS HARAMBE THE DUDE OR THE pants: HE WAS THE KING WHO CUT BABIES IN HALF pants: NOT TO SOLVE DISPUTES OR ANYTHING, HE JUST LOVED CHOPPING STUFF UP deuce: NO THAT WAS NELSON MANDELA pants: ON EARTH 353 SURE BUT HERE ON 354 WE [HEAD CHOPPED OFF] deuce: WHO GAVE HIS NAME TO THE GAME MANCALA deuce: AND MANDALAY BAY pants: WHICH WE KNOW TODAY AS A MINT JULIP [HEAD CHOPPED OFF AGAIN]

pants: SUCKING DICK IN A HOLLOW LOG pants: SERVICING MOSTLY SQUIRRELS AND TOADS pants: AND YES SOMETIMES THE OCCASIONAL KEEBLER ELF

pants: OOF OW pants: SHOVED INTO A POTATO SACK pants: MY FATE: TO BE THROWN INTO THE RIVER pants: HOWEVER THE SACK IS MADE OF BURLAP AND pants: IT SPLITS WHEN YOU TRY AND TOSS ME IN pants: NOW I AM ON THE RIVER BANK SITTING IN THE WET GRASS, CONFUSED

pants: GONNA FUCK THE MOUTH OF THE EARLIEST HUMAN FIGURE FOUND ANYWHERE IN THE BRITISH ISLES

spigot: PROUD TO HAVE BOUGHT TWO PINTS OF GOURMET ICE CREAM AND A BOX OF COOKIES TOTALLING $48

spigot: CUT spigot: YOUR HEART'S NOT IN THIS SCENE IS IT spigot: WE NEED TO SEE THE JIZZ IN LONG DRIPPY STRINGS FROM THE DICK TO YOUR FACE spigot: SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THOSE SCENES ALL OVER AGAIN spigot: I DON'T MAKE THE RULES spigot: THIS TIME WITH FEELING spigot: YOU'RE EXHIBITING A BIT OF AN ATTITUDE THERE spigot: YOU'RE HERE TO JIZZ UP YOUR FACE FOR THE CAMERA, NOT BE A JUNIOR DIRECTOR

spigot: CAN'T WE USE AI TO SUPERIMPOSE LIMBS AND LEGS ON THE PARALYMPIANS spigot: THEIR FINGERS AND HANDS COULD STAY EXACTLY THE SAME spigot: ADS THEN

pants: MAY I HAVE SEVEN OR SO FROSTED CINNAMON ROLLS BEFORE PUTTING ON THE BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF

spigot: ARE YOU MARRIED YET pants: NO pants: I MEAN SURE spigot: GREAT, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO spigot: NEXT TIME YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE STANDING IN LINE SOMEWHERE spigot: TURN TO HER WITH A CONCERNED LOOK ON YOUR FACE pants: UH HUH spigot: SAY HONEY, MAY I BE FRANK WITH YOU pants: HOO BOY spigot: SHE'LL SAY "OKAY" OR "SURE" OR "OF COURSE" spigot: THEN YOU PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SAY HOW ABOUT THIS BALL PARK FRANK spigot: AND POINT AT YOUR PENIS ALL FLOPPED OUT AND PLUMP pants: WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE IN LINE spigot: JUST BE OUT IN PUBLIC

spigot: LEGS AIN'T EVEN THAT LONG pants: DANG OL' SATURATED IN DISQUIETING MOOD I TELL YOU WHAT

spigot: PROUD TO NOT KNOW WHAT ANTIHISTAMINE IS OR DOES

spigot: OH I'M SORRY IS THIS NOT WHERE WE SHOW OFF OUR BIG FAT FLIPPER DICKS

spigot: OKAY ***NOW*** ARE YOU MARRIED pants: NO pants: I MEAN SURE spigot: GREAT, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO spigot: NEXT TIME YOU'RE SINGING "DANNY BOY" spigot: AND YOU GET TO THE PART ABOUT THE PIPES spigot: ABOUT HOW THE PIPES / THE PIPES / ARE CALLING spigot: ASK YOUR WIFE IF SHE CAN HEAR THIS PIPE CALLING spigot: THEN PUSH HER EAR AGAINST YOUR PENIS spigot: YOU CAN DO THIS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT OR DURING THE DAY

deuce: DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG AFTER THE NUKE GOES OFF, WITH NO OTHER FOOD, YOU'LL STILL EAT ME

spigot: JEAN-CHARLES YOU FOOL spigot: OKAY I'M A RUSSIAN ASSET pants: ARE YOU C.I.A. THOUGH spigot: I DON'T WATCH STAR TREK

spigot: WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BEING FAT WAS SO GREAT

deuce: I HAVE NEVER HAD A BAJA BLAST pants: WHAT ABOUT A RODNEY BLAST

spigot: MA'AM, EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE. spigot: I'M A PARAMEDIC. YOU'RE HAVING A STROKE. spigot: PLEASE LAY DOWN WITH BOTH FEET SLIGHTLY ELEVATED OVER MY SHOULDERS :jellybeans: OUT OF BOTH POCKETS spigot: WHEN ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TWO FACTOR ***DEAUTH***

deuce: BUTTHOLE + BANANA = BUTTHOLE WITH A BANANA deuce: THESE ARE FACTS

spigot: AM I TOO SCARED TO WATCH MIDNIGHT CROSSING AGAIN pants: MAYBE JUST WATCH MIDNIGHT RUN INSTEAD

pants: THE WORD "CUM" ROT13'D IS `PHZ` PRONOUNCED "FIZZ" AND THAT'S PERFECT pants: SO PERFECT deuce: THE SOUND OF SOMEONE BEING STRANGLED

spigot: NOW ALL OF LEBANON'S ZENITH TELEVISIONS AND SONY DISCMANS AND NINTENDO POWER GLOVES ARE EXPLODING

spigot: IF I PRETEND IT'S A DIALING WAND IT'S NOT GAY effigy: ......YOU GUYS HIRING?

deuce: HEY CHECK OUT MY WANG pants: CLOSING MY EYES TIGHT, ONE EYELID TWITCHES AS I PEEK deuce: SURPRISE!!!!! IT'S A WANG pants: PLACING A BOW ON TOP

pants: GROPE GROPE pants: THINKING ABOUT ROBOCOP

pants: TAG YOURSELF: pants: THE PSYCHOPATHIC PERSONALITY pants: THE ALCOHOLIC pants: THE DRUG ADDICT pants: THE SEX OFFENDER pants: THE MENTALLY RETARDED pants: MENTAL DISORDERS IN OLD AGE deuce: WHICH ONE DON'T I CHECK

pants: SITTING / STANDING / WALKING pants: LIFTING/ CARRYING pants: PUSHING / PULLING pants: BENDING / STOOPING pants: SQUATTING / KNEELING / CRAWLING pants: TWISTING / TURNING pants: CLIMBING / BALANCING pants: REACHING pants: GRASPING / MANIPULATING effigy: OUT OF MY LEAGUE, I KNOW

spigot: MY DICKLICKING TRADECRAFT

spigot: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T LICK DICK ON MY OWN PATREON PAGE

pants: CARBOHYDRATES HELP ME PLAY spigot: THE THICK, SEASONED CRUST STUFFED WITH MOZZARELLA AND PEPPERONI THAT MY BODY NEEDS pants: MY DAYS ARE LONG AND I'M CONSTANTLY ON MY FEET. THAT MEANS A FULL-SIZE SAFEWAY SHEET CAKE WITH RICH FUDGEY CREAM CHEESE, CHERRY FILLING AND FIVE DISTINCT BUTTERCREAMS spigot: TEACH FIFTY COLLEGE STUDENTS ENGLISH LIT WITHOUT MY MORNING STOUFFER'S FAMILY SIZE LASAGNA? NO WAY pants: NO, PEOPLE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE BRINGING IT TO CLASS AND SHARING IT WITH POOR PEOPLE spigot: BEING A MOM MEANS I'M CONSTANTLY ON THE GO, FROM EARLY MEETINGS TO LATE-NIGHT HOMEWORK. THAT'S WHY I VISIT ALEXANDER'S STEAK HOUSE AT LEAST TEN TIMES A DAY pants: NO, WHO SAYS YOU'RE NOT BRINGING YOUR WHOLE STUPID FAMILY TO THE RESTAURANT OR JUST PICKING UP FOOD FOR COWORKERS ??? spigot: THIS SUCKS SO MUCH

pants: EXCUSE ME BUT I'M A LEATHER-CLAD VAMPIRE ASSASSIN deuce: BLOGGING ABOUT NOT HAVING BLOGGED IN A WHILE spigot: IF YOU LIKE WATCHING ME STROKE IT SO MUCH HOW COME I HAVE TO PAY YOU PER VIDEO

spigot: ANYONE ELSE GOONING IN 4K

deuce: YOUR MOMMA WEARS COMBAT BOOTS deuce: AND I WANT TO THANK HER FOR HER SERVICE

spigot: SUCKING DICK BEHIND THE FAKE SALOON FRONT AT THE PLAYGROUND spigot: GETTING CAUGHT AND MOVING THREE FEET TO THE FAKE JAIL

deuce: COULD I HAVE MORE FENTANYL IN MY FENTANYL

deuce: IF I CREATED A BAND I'D CALL IT METALLICA deuce: WHAT'S THAT (FINGER TO EAR) OH