spigot: LONELY AND SAD spigot: AND ONLY DICK WILL HELP spigot: BONK BONK spigot: GUIDE ME I'M BLIND spigot: BONK DONK POKING

deuce: IT'S LONELY ON THE TOP (OF THE SHIT PILE)

spigot: A BIG DISCUSSION THAT LASTED LONG AND GAY AND FAT INTO THE NIGHT spigot: THERE WAS A LOT OF TOUCHING spigot: EVENTUALLY WE FIGURED OUT HOW TO INSTALL MICROSOFT PROJECT AND WE GENERATED A TIMELINE FOR MY BALLS

(pants): CAN THEY HEAR ME THINKING (spigot): YOU'RE NOT THINKING YOU'RE WHISPERING .(pants): HOW ABOUT NOW spigot: UH : PANTS THINKS LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE spigot: NOW THAT'S JUST

pants: OKAY NOW *YOU* TYPE AT THE KEYBOARD AND *I'LL* WATCH YOU TRY TO FOOL PEDOPHILES INTO MEETING AT THE LONG BEACH STING HOUSE pants: I SEE YOU BROUGHT WINE COOLERS AND AN OFF-BRAND IPOD

deuce: FUCK YOU PAY ME pants: THAT'S NOT pants: SIGHS, GETS OUT WALLET

spigot: in episode 2 of cosmos, dr. sagan describes how the destruction of an ancient japanese society led to ladies of the imperial court reduced to selling flowers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . . . . . (long long sagan pause) . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . and . . . . . "other things"

deuce: OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER deuce: ENCHILADAS FOR EVERYBODY

spigot: T PANTS I FOUND THE VIDEOTAPE OF YOU/ME DICKLICKING IN VALLEY FAIR TOILET pants: I DON'T pants: KNOW WHAT YOU'RE (LONG PAUSE) pants: TALKING ABOUT

spigot: I DON'T HAVE A PRICK IN MY FACE PEOPLE spigot: [LONG PAUSE] spigot: THANKS FOR TRYING TO CHEER ME UP

pants: LONG STORY SHORT I LICK DICK

spigot: SO LONG STORY SHORT I'D LIKE TO REDIRECT THE NATURE OF THIS CONVERSATION AND BRING IT ON BACK TO WHY YOU DISCONNECTED MY PHONE AND UTILITIES

spigot: WHAT IF EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD FLUSHED THE TOILET AT THE SAME TIME spigot: OR WHAT IF I JUST STUFFED EVERYBODY INTO A BIG FAT TOILET spigot: WHAT IF WE BUILT A STALL AND NOBODY CAME????? pants: LONG TIME PASSING

spigot: ABOUT YAY LONG spigot: ABOUT YAY THICK spigot: LADY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY GESTURES

deuce: LOOK AT MY COCK deuce: LOOK AT IT deuce: WOULD THIS COCK DECEIVE YOU

spigot: T ATANDT :-) spigot: LOOK AT IT SIDEWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! atandt: I AM A SAD PATHETIC SHELL OF A MAN

spigot: VERY EMBARRASSED BY MY HEAD GEAR spigot: GLUCK GLUCK LOOK AT ME spigot: AM I A FUTURISTIC ASTRONAUT OR A FREAK YOU DECIDE PEOPLE

spigot: FUCKING SHUT UP pants: I SEE YOU spigot: YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT pants: LOOK DOWN

deuce: DON'T EVER /P ME AGAIN atandt: LOOK HERE FOR GREAT VALUES deuce: I'M LOOKING UNDERNEATH YOUR SKIRT BUT I'M NOT FINDING ANYTHING (JUST A CUNT) atandt: KEEP LOOKING deuce: DUDE A PACK OF CIGARETTES

spigot: WE ONLY TAKE YEGGS WHAT'S BEEN TO COLLEGE pants: MINK IS EDDIE DANE'S BOY deuce: YOU GUYS DON'T SPEAK RIGHT

pants: LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME THAT WASN'T YOUR MEMBER : SPIGOT LEAVES pants: I THOUGHT SO

deuce: HEY CHECK IT OUT GUYS IT'S JUPITER AND ITS FOUR BIG MOONS ALL IN A LINE deuce: LOOK IT'S M42: A NEBULA MADE OF GAS AND DUST WHERE STARS ARE BEING BORN deuce: CHECK IT OUT IT'S THE TERMINATOR ON THE MOON AND YOU CAN SEE MOUNTAINS: IT'S A REAL PLACE YOU CAN GO AND WE'VE BEEN THERE pants: WE GET IT YOU'RE ***GAY***

deuce: DICKS OVER HERE THIS WAY pants: JL: AEFJL: DFJL:SDJL: DJL: DSFJL:SDFJ pants: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO K:SFJLKSJFLSKDFJLSKDFJLSFJ pants: I'M THE KING

pants: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO WITHOUT ANY ASSISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE pants: HALUGHU LAHGLU HAULGHALUGHULAGHALUGHALUGH LAUGHLAUGH LUAGLAG pants: ALUKG HALGH LAUG LUAHGLU HGALU HAGL HLAUG HLAGHL AHGLU HALGH AAG OKAY I NEED SOME HELP HERE HUAGHALGU HALUKG LUAGH LUAG PERHAPS A LADDER OR A BUCKET HALUGHALGHLU

effigy: CLICK LOOKS A LOT LIKE DICK spigot: THAT'S SAD

spigot: I'M LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND I JUST DON'T LIKE WHO I AM ANYMORE deuce: SQUIP SQUIRP SQUIRP SQUIP

deuce: I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE THE LAST BEER pants: YET STILL pants: OH HOLY GOD pants: THAT'S A GOOD ONE pants: NICE AND STURDY deuce: I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE THE LAST BEER pants: YET STILL pants: OH HOLY GOD pants: THAT'S A GOOD ONE pants: NICE AND STURDY

deuce: ITALIANS JOKES ARE ALWAYS FUNNY... ALSO ITALIAN CHOKES IRONICALLY ENOUGH spigot: I READ LITERATURE ON THE ITALIAN POKE CIRCA 1793 deuce: I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU KOREANS SOMETIMES deuce: I THINK I WILL RANSACK YOUR STORE spigot: YOU ARE LOOTING ME AND ALSO BOOTING ME

pants: THE LORDJESUS CHRISTHIMSELF spigot: DIARRHEAALL OVERTHE PELOTON PLUS

atandt: JESUS deuce: LHGHLGAHLGHL atandt: I WAS LOST THERE FOR A SECOND atandt: THEN I SMELLED THAT DISTINCT SMELL OF JUST LICKED DICK deuce: LIKE SINGED HAIR

net: HELP I'M LOST IN SCOTLAND WITH A VT100 dick: LET'S ZOOM IN

atandt: HEAD pants: NECK atandt: LOWER pants: NECK deuce: MOUTH pants: OH LORDY WE'RE FLOATING IN SPACE atandt: LOWER pants: NECK deuce: NOSE pants: LOWER deuce: FACE pants: NECK pants: TUMBLING IN ZERO G deuce: MOM deuce: I FEAR THE JUDGES ARE GOING TO GRADE US HARSHLY ON TIME

pants: T DEUCE WHAT DO EPA REGULATIONS SAY ABOUT MY BONER, MY BALLS deuce: YOU WILL NEED LOTS OF PERMITS

deuce: CHECK OUT MY HUGE PENIS: :GLASS_OF_MILK: pants: WE HAVE LOTS OF PRETTY PICKLES WAITING FOR YOU AT THE REFRESHMENT CENTER deuce: CLARIFY: WHATMANNER OF PICKLES pants: I SUCK DICK IN THE BATHROOM deuce: PICKLES ARECUCUMBERS WITHCHARACTER

pants: PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE pants: I AM YOUR SIZE pants: YOU COULD TOTALLY PICK ON ME

spigot: SIGH spigot: SIGH!!!!!! spigot: SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: NOBODY CAME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

pants: BONERPLEX pants: LOUDING deuce: THAT WOULD BE 10^10^BONERS pants: NOTHING AT ALL LIKE ROLLERBALL

pants: LOUDSPEAKER: AND OUR HEROES LICKED DICK, THE END. PLEASE EXIT THE THEATER IN AN ORDERLY FASHION deuce: THEN THE POLICE CAME

atandt: BONK spigot: WONK atandt: BORT spigot: LOVE deuce: HOW ARE YOU spigot: FINE deuce: WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER FOR GAY SEX spigot: HANGING UP NOW

deuce: IN A WORLD FULL OF PRICKS...... deuce: I AM A GAY deuce: PHYSICISTS CALL IT GAY SELF-INDUCTION pants: I CALL IT LOVE

atandt: DOES ANYONE HAVE LOVE FOR ME deuce: HMM deuce: LET'S SEE deuce: NOPE atandt: OH

pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE

pants: HOLY GOD pants: IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN pants: I'M PANTS FROM JERKCITY pants: BOOMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pants: PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET pants: FACE DOWN IN THE TOILET pants: THE CHOKING, THE CHOKING pants: I LOVE YOU PEDOBEAR

pants: DICKS!!!!!!!!! pants: WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM deuce: BECAUSE YOU'RE A DISGUSTING HERMAPHRODITE pants: FAIR ENOUGH

pants: LOVE ME UP THE STAIRS deuce: CAN I LOVE YOU DOWN THE STAIRS pants: NOT IF WE JUST WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN YOU LOVE ME DOWN pants: YOU CAN LOVE ME UP AND THEN DOWN

pants: A BEAR NAMED SPIGOT deuce: WELL deuce: YOU'VE GOT TO BEAT THAT BEAR OFF pants: ?!? : HTTP://JERKCITY.COM/LS4D.MP3

pants: WILL YOU WATCH NOTTING HILL WITH ME AND HOLD ME WHEN I CRY ??? deuce: I WILL BEAT YOU ABOUT THE HEAD UNTIL YOU THINK YOU'RE COACH FROM CHEERS pants: OW OW BUT HE'S DEAD OW OW OW OKAY LYING STILL

spigot: T PANTS IF I BEAT OFF NOW LOVE AND HAIGHT MIGHT BE CLOSED, BUT IF I GO TO LOVE AND HAIGHT NOW I MIGHT LOSE MY BONER pants: YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE HOUR TO FIND EXACT CHANGE FOR THE BUS

atandt: YOU'RE JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE atandt: CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU atandt: YOU'RE JUST LIKE HEAVEN TO TOUCH atandt: I WANT TO HOLD YOU SO MUCH pants: DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU'RE BACK IN HERE WITH ME AGAIN atandt: NO

pants: ARE YOU PUMPED FOR MCDONALD'S NEW RESTAURANT "COSMC" deuce: FUCK NO deuce: I MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS pants: BUSTED

deuce: I THREW OUT MY BACK OUT TRYING TO BLOW MYSELF

deuce: I'M LEARNING THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS CHRIST deuce: I'M A VOLCANO deuce: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR deuce: MAYBE THAT WOULD BE FUNNIER IN LOWERCASE deuce: i'm a volcano deuce: brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr deuce: SEE I WAS RIGHT

atandt: BONERS pants: LOWERCASE BONERS ??? atandt: I BELIEVE I AM PREPARED FOR LOWERCASE BONERS pants: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD pants: SORRY WHERE WERE WE atandt: LOWERCASE BONERS

: Previously on Spigot the Bear: An old army buddy comes to visit and spigot has to-- transmission interrupted by loud grinding noise-- signal ends spigot: REPEAT: DICKS spigot: I'VE ALREADY CALLED 911

deuce: MY SOFT KISSES pants: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE BEATLES pants: (TEENAGE GIRLS SCREAMING) SHE LOVES YOU YEAH YEAH YEAH pants: THE BEATLES ON THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW ARE AN EXCELLENT DISTRACTION FROM LOWERCASE FAG KISSES deuce: MMMMMMM KISSES

deuce: EEP EEP EEP pants: ARE YOU A CRICKET OR A LOWERCASE MONKEY deuce: BUK pants: I SEE... TELL ME MORE deuce: FFFFFFF pants: THAT IS HEX FOR FAT

deuce: HHHHHHHH [ANGRY] pants: T DEUCE I COMPLETELY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY SUPPORT YOUR DEFINITION OF UPERCASE HHHHHHHHHHH AND HHHHHHHHHHHHHH (LOWERCASE NOT SHOWN) deuce: LET'S WRITE AN RFC

deuce: LOWERCASE RAPE pants: EATING DICKS FROM A BUCKET deuce: GROSS

deuce: LET'S ALL ENGAGE IN LUCID DREAMING deuce: GALHAGHLGHGAHLGALGA STILL BEING RAPED AND BEATEN deuce: OKAY I WOULD LIKE TO WAKE UP NOW WHY CAN'T I deuce: JESUS THIS SUCKS

deuce: MRS. HUXTABLE IS HOT deuce: T SPIGOT UP FOR SOME LUKEWARM J/O spigot: T DEUCE LOOBIN' IT UP

deuce: HEY LET'S GO TO LUNCH TOGETHER AND SLAP EACH OTHER'S DICKS WITH CHOPSTICKS spigot: THAT'S RACIST

deuce: PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING deuce: YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF deuce: LUNCHTIME

deuce: I THINK I HAVE LUPUS deuce: NEVER MIND JUST REALLY BORED

pants: IT'S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY !!! deuce: I'M AWARE spigot: ARE YOU FOLKS WATCHING THE YOUNG SHELDON MARATHON ON PARAMOUNT PLUS effigy: FUCK KANSAS CITY pants: WHERE'S JIMMY G pants: FUCK KANSAS CITY deuce: IS THAT A REAL PLACE spigot: HOLY SHIT YOUNG SHELDON JUST ORDERED A SECOND DESSERT effigy: THEY'RE NOT BOOING THEY'RE SHOUTING JUSZCZYK pants: WHERE'S TAYLOR spigot: THEY JUST FOUND YOUNG SHELDON'S BODY

deuce: my name's Hillary Clinton and I put things in my butt spigot: did she seriously say this deuce: m-m-maybe

pants: THAT’S SO HOT IMAGINE MA AND PA KETTLE TOTALLY DOIN’ IT pants: MMM YEAH OOOH BOY A THREE-WAY WITH ME AND MA AND PA KETTLE

pants: T SPIGOT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR MY TALE OF INCEST AND DRUBBING AS A TEENAGE GIRL spigot: I DON'T KNOW WHAT DRUBBING IS BUT IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKE MACARONI AND CHEESE!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!

deuce: MARGARITAS IN THE DEUCE PEOPLE spigot: MACARONI IN MY PANTS AND SOCKS deuce: COOKED OR RAW SIR spigot: HLBUHLUHLUHLUGHBLLUGHB ZESTY PESTO HABBLE GABBLE FABBLE

spigot: BY THE THUMBINGOF MY PRICK spigot: SOMETHING WICKEDLICKS MY DICK spigot: NOTICE HOW I PLAYEDALL THREE DICKLICKERS spigot: (COCKSUCKERS) pants: A POODOTH POKE spigot: SHUT UP

pants: CHICKEN COX deuce: SMALL COX??? deuce: PERHAPS COW COX pants: MAD OW A DICK IS IN MY BUTT DISEASE

pants: MADE IN AMERICA, WILLING TO LICK DICK WORLDWIDE pants: SO THAT'S MY COMMERCIAL !! WHAT DO YOU THINK spigot: TRADITIONALLY HAG AND LAG ARE "NEGATIVE" WORDS BUT IF WE EVANGELIZE YOUR PRODUCT WITH HAGALAGALAGL HAGLHAGLU AGHALGUALHG IT WORKS SOMEHOW pants: SUICIDE BY DONG

deuce: I AM MADE OF ANTIMATTER : DEUCE FARTS deuce: FIN

pants: MAF54 pants: WAS A HERO TO MOST pants: BUT HE NEVER MEANT SHIT TO ME

deuce: WELL IF IT ISN'T PANTS FROM JERKCITY AND HIS MAGIC MOUTH pants: POOF THERE'S A DICK IN IT

pants: WHAT TIME DOES YOUR PIER 31 MAGIC SHOW START spigot: EVERY 2 HOURS WITH TWO 15MIN BREAKS AND ONE 30MIN BREAK FOR LUNCH spigot: PROBLEM IS THE RESTROOMS ARE 20 MINS AWAY pants: 15 MINUTES IS BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO THROW CINDER BLOCKS AT THE ELEPHANT SEALS spigot: I JUST LEAVE THEM IN THEIR FOOD BOWLS

spigot: HERE I HAVE AN ORDINARY EVERY DAY BONER spigot: *POOF* spigot: NOW YOU'RE SUCKING IT OFF

pants: WHY AREN'T WE CALLING THEM MORLOCKS AND PUTTING THEM INTO THE SEWERS, HUNTING THEM FOR SPORT, ETC. pants: YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO BREAK THE MAGICIAN'S CODE AND REVEAL MAGIC'S BIGGEST SECRETS BUT INSTEAD HERE WE ARE IN THIS PLACE spigot: IRONICALLY SIR WHILE YOU WERE PULLING MY PANTS DOWN MY ATM CARD SEEMS TO HAVE GOTTEN BENT/UNUSABLBLBLBLBHLGHBLG

pants: THIS PLASTIC PRISON CANNOT HOLD ME FOREVER CHARLES deuce: :WOMAN_SHRUGGING:

spigot: SO LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOON AND LICK DICK!!! RIGHT THIS WAY !!! pants: FOLLOWING deuce: YOU KEEP SAYING WE'LL GO TO THE MOON BUT IT NEVER HAPPENS deuce: QUITE FRANKLY I DON'T THINK HUMANKIND (ESPECIALLY FAGS) WILL EVER LEAVE THE ATMOSPHERE pants: THIS AREA IS WHITE AND SPACELIKE BUT IT IS CLEARLY THE JOHN AND NOT THE LUNAR LANDSCAPE YOU PROMISED spigot: HIT SPACE TO THRUST

deuce: WHY ARE THE RUSSIANS AND UKRAINIANS FIGHTING OVER MY DONG deuce: SEE THIS JOKE WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNIER IN 2014

atandt: PORN STAR ASIA CARRERA WRITES: "BOY, THAT CARTOON ABOUT ME WAS HYSTERICAL. YOU GUYS SHOULD GET A JOB WITH ROSANNE. THEN YOU CAN ALL BE NOT FUNNY TOGETHER... " atandt: THANKS FOR THE LETTER LADY atandt: NEXT TIME ATTACH SOME JPEGS, IT IS DIFFICULT BEATING OFF TO ASCII pants: WAIT WAIT ASK HER IF SHE RUNS LINUX

pants: COULD YOU PLEASE TYPE "MAKE" IN THE QUEUE DIRECTORY OR SHOULD I JUST SUCK COCK FOR UNDER TEN MINUTES

spigot: FRONT DESK PEOPLE AT THE SF HILTON MAKE $11.94 AN HOUR (STARTING) deuce: FFFFFF deuce: T SPIGOT HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THIS SIR spigot: DON'T KNOW (HANGING UP NOW) deuce: FFFFFFF spigot: T DEUCE F KEY'S BROKEN

deuce: NOBODY MAKE A PASS AT ME net: HUNGRY OVER HERE

spigot: WHY HAS PANTS BEEN IDLE FOR 650 MINUTES??????? spigot: WHEN HE KNOWS I HAVE A SOUVENIR FOR HIM FROM THE GAY PRIDE PARADE!!!! spigot: THE PUNCHLINE IS: SOMETIMES YOU MAKE A SPLASH AND HIT A SEAL

atandt: PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL FIX MY MAKEFILE

pants: T DEUCE HOW DO WE HARNESS THE POWER OF 3-D PRINTING WHILE PROTECTING OURSELVES FROM ITS DARK SIDE deuce: MAKE GUNS AND THEN SHOOT OURSELVES WITH THEM deuce: BUT MAKE COFFINS FIRST??? deuce: WRITE BACK

spigot: SO ARE WE GOING TO THE ANTARCTIC GLACIER CONFERENCE OR NOT spigot: HURMPH OW spigot: JESUS GURRRRRRRHURG THIS IS NOT MANAGED CARE

spigot: I'M A 19-YEAR-OLD JOCK AND I LOVE TO SUCK COCK! E-MAIL ME NOW! deuce: WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME!!!!!! spigot: OW GOD THE CROQUET MALLET deuce: SHOWING ME ABOUT LIFE deuce: COMMA LOVE SEMICOLON PAIN EXCLAMATION POINT net: HEART DONG

pants: ANY KIND OF DICK WILL DO BUT I PREFER TO CHOMP AND CHEW ON THE NORTHERN AMERICAN VARIETY FOR VARIOUS REASONS / CONDITIONS pants: SERIOUSLY IF YOU COULD JUST FORM A LINE TO THE LEFT OF THE URINALS I'LL GET TO BUSINESS pants: I AM WILLING TO SIGN ANYTHING YOU PUT IN FRONT OF ME JUST MAKE ME CHOKE IN RECORD TIME

spigot: PROSPERO'S BALLS deuce: JUMPIN' JEHOSEPHAT spigot: GET OUT deuce: MAKE ME

pants: BIG MAC spigot: ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FOOD HAS MADE ME GAY spigot: GAY FOR DICK

pants: i would put u up my butt and leave u there pants: u would be safe living my butt i would care for u pants: build a house and make a family and live life as u see fit (in my butt) pants: if u want i can take u out and piss on u sometimes pants: u and i will grow old 2gether

spigot: MAKE SURE TO GET A SHOT OF MY HUGE BOOBS!!!!!!!!! spigot: BOYS!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!! DO YOU LIKE ***BOOBS****?!?!?!?!!? spigot: MACHINE GUN SOUNDS

spigot: HONK MY DICK LIKE A HORN spigot: SERIOUSLY MAKE THE NOISE OR I CAN'T EJACULATE

pants: SHIT SANDWICH deuce: MAKE TWO

pants: I'M A WET BALL deuce: HELLO, WET BALL pants: HEY deuce: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, WET BALL pants: I'M A DIPSWITCH

pants: BLAST ME WITH PISS deuce: WHY YOU'LL JUST FUCKING WASTE IT LIKE USUAL pants: BLESS ME WITH PISS deuce: VERY WELL pants: LET'S GO TO OLD NAVY AND WALK AROUND AND HOLD HANDS SO THE WORLD CAN SEE OUR LOVE BUT FIRST MAKE WITH THE PISS deuce: YOU'RE THE GIRL WALK BEHIND