net: YOU ARE IN A ROOM FILLED WITH RERUNS EXITS ARE J)ERK AND D)RINK deuce: I WISH TO GO SOUTHWEST (SW)

pants: CAN I CALL MYSELF A MAN NOW pants: FLEXING NAKED IN FRONT OF MIRROR, TOTALLY LIMP, OATMEAL BUCKET ON HEAD deuce: NO, FIRST WE NEED TO SNIP YOUR DICK pants: OH, THERE YOU ARE pants: SOY CAPPUCCINO PLEASE deuce: NEVER deuce: DEATH FIRST pants: MAKE THAT A DOUBLE deuce: COMING RIGHT UP deuce: (SQUIRTY POO SOUNDS OFF CAMERA) deuce: HERE YOU GO PRASHANT pants: MMM IT'S POO-Y

deuce: OKAY I'M JUST GOING TO COME OUT AND SAY IT: deuce: SOY SAUCE ON A LOADED BAKED POTATO pants: HMM

deuce: HEY LET'S GO BACK IN TIME AND SHOOT SOME KRAUTS pants: BUH deuce: THERE YOU ARE deuce: SMOKING YOU LIKE A CIGARETTE, MAYBE A CIGARILLO, BUT DEFINITELY NOT A CIGAR

pants: I SEE YOU SUCKING spigot: WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE, I'LL SPY THROUGH THIS TINY HOLE spigot: SUCK DICK pants: SPACE CAKES FIRST spigot: YES SUCK DICK pants: ALSO I WANT A PISS AND AN UNDERAGE BLOWJOB (WHATEVER THAT IS)

atandt: YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY HOT IN THAT JUMPSUIT atandt: <SFX: RAPE> deuce: GHLGLHGULHGULHGULHGULHG atandt: I'D LIKE TO REQUEST THAT WE NO LONGER BOLDLY GO TO THE CABIN atandt: WHERE I AM RAPED FOR SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES deuce: THIS IS NOT HOW MANKIND WILL CONQUER SPACE deuce: GLHGLHAGLHLHABHLBHAB OW OW OW OW deuce: YOU SHOULD SHIT/PISS YOURSELF IF YOU ARE IN DANGER OF BEING RAPED atandt: ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW HARD IT IS TO SAY NO TO SPACE COWBOYS atandt: I CAN SAVE MYSELF BY SOILING MYSELF AND HERE I GO deuce: SIR WITH THE RAPE UTENSIL

spigot: I WONDER IF YOU HAVE EVER SUCKED A DICK IN SPACE spigot: (OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, SPACE DICKS)

pants: WHEN IS THE NEXT MOON LANDING deuce: WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW pants: MOON DICKS

pants: SPACE FACE spigot: A MOUTH NOT UNLIKE THE TARDIS pants: MORE LIKE SICK & TIRED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: MORE LIKE I'LL BE IN TECH SUPPORT MY WHOLE LIFE !!!!!!! CLICK HERE FOR USER FRIENDLY BANNERS pants: WELP !!!!!!!!!!!! I'M A LOSER

spigot: space farts

deuce: thpace forthe pants: IN THPACE NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU THCREAM

pants: FUCK YEAH GET BACK ON THAT HORSE pants: THEN GET OFF THE HORSE AND REST pants: YOU'VE HAD A LONG HARD HORSE

spigot: I LIKE TO JERK IN SPACE spigot: SPACE JERKIN' spigot: HURF OOF LURRRRR spigot: YOU KNOW THE WORDS FUCKING SING

pants: SPACE NUTS RENEWED FOR SEASON 2

spigot: THE PORNOGRAPHY I ORDERED WITH MY CREDIT CARD OVER THE INTERNET ARRIVED TODAY spigot: IT REALLY DOES WORK, NOT EVERYTHING'S A SCAM captain: TAKE YOUR FRIEND WITH YOU

atandt: I'M A SPACE STATION deuce: I'M FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS

pants: :WAVE: JERK OFF :SWEAT_DROPS::SWEAT_DROPS::SWEAT_DROPS: WITH RANDOM TEENS - BEST WEBCAMCHAT EVER :HEART_EYES:! spigot: SULLEN LAZY TEENS spigot: WITH MOM YELLING AT THEM TO TAKE THEIR TOPS OFF

deuce: all I wanted was some corned beef and hard boiled eggs and it turned into The Road deuce: thinkin' about pizza spigot: farm fresh aids deuce: even though I already ate earlier??? spigot: spare me your euphemisms, it's gay conversion camp for daddy's chubby little faggot

deuce: I'M A SPARKLINE: FUCK MY BROWN ASS

spigot: HOO BOO DUH HUH SPAZZING OUT LIKE A FIFTH GRADE RETARD spigot: LOOK AT MY GLASSES AND HEAD GEAR BUH DUH FATNESS spigot: AFRAID OF SPORTS spigot: SPANISH AND CHESS CLUB OVER HERE spigot: I'M TELLING

deuce: T PANTS UNER DICKLICKEN pants: T DEUCE ENGLISH deuce: T PANTS SRAUMEN UNEN BALLEN UNDER SCHIESSEN pants: T DEUCE SPEAK ENGLISH OR DIE deuce: T PANTS CAN I BORROW TEN DOLLARS

pants: for instance pants: you might say pants: i walked past the drug store

: The 2007 holiday schedule is available here: http://www.jerkcity.com/holidays.txt : Please submit additions or corrections to jerkcity@gmail.com. We return you now to your regularly-schedule Jerkcity already in progress. : gentle reader: please make a silly face and distract pants while we make an important announcement. just for one panel. thanks! pants: BUCK UP LADS pants: LET'S YANK A DONG spigot: I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET HIGH AND NOT GIVE A SHIT

spigot: SPECIAL MESSAGE TO THE GROUP OF PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ANCHORMAN IN THE BREAK ROOM: DIE AND BE DEAD

spigot: AS A SPECIAL TREAT YOU ALL GET TO BE FIRST IN LINE TO PREVIEW AN ALL-NEW FORM OF JERKCITY COMEDY I'VE BEEN DEVELOPING SECRETLY ON A VARIETY OF MACHINES FOR NEARLY TEN SECONDS spigot: KEEP IN MIND THIS IS PURELY EXPERIEMNTAL pants: SHOW ME THE FUNNY spigot: HERE WE GO pants: MACSBUG

spigot: CHOKING ME spigot: SHOVING HOT DOGS INTO MY MOUTH spigot: LEAVING ME FOR DEAD BEHIND THE 7-11

:this: IS AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN :this: HAS THE HEART OF A POET :and: SPECIMEN IS A VORACIOUS COCKSUCKER

pants: SPEEDRUNNING BETWEEN ALL THE COCKS

deuce: WHY IS THERE A PROGRAM ON SPICE CALLED "ETHNICITY" ???? I WONDER WHAT IT'S ABOUT pants: MEXICANS I WOULD GUESS spigot: ETHNIC ALBANIANS???? MORE LIKE ETHNIC COMPLANIANS

pants: like a goat i eat garbage (spicy boneless wings from round table) deuce: hot garbage pants: why do i feel ill pants: oh right all the garbage pants: BIGGER DICKS STILL

pants: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WHEATCAKES pants: FACE IT TIGER YOU JUST HIT THE JACKPOT pants: OWWWW MY SPIDEY-SENSE OWWWWWWWW

spigot: I'M A FAT FUCKING DOLLY MADISON PIE deuce: T SPIGOT THEN I WILL EAT YOU

spigot: SPIGOT IN THE MORNING!!! spigot: SPIGOT IN THE EVENING!!!! spigot: SPIGOT ON THE INTERNET?!?!?!

spigot: IT'S SUCKER PUNCH A QUEER MONTH AT YOUR NORTHERN CALIFORNIA MAZDA DEALER spigot: I SWEAR TO GOD I'M LOIS LANE AND THOSE ARE NOT HEROIN NEEDLES spigot: IF CHRISTOPHER REEVE GETS TO BE PARALYZED THEN I GET TO BE CRAZY

spigot: OKAY SHUT UP I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY spigot: WAIT I LEFT IT IN THE CAR : SPIGOT LEAVES spigot: OKAY GOT IT spigot: NUTS

spigot: SPIGOT LEFT spigot: SPIGOT RIGHT spigot: SPIGOT LICKING A / spigot: DICK ALL NIGHT spigot: HE'S A WAITER spigot: MASTURBATOR spigot: SON OF A BITCH / I'M DOWN A CRATER

spigot: I THINK YOUR SITE IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: I ALSO THINK YOU ARE GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: GREAT SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: I LIKE THE INTERNET deuce: DICKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spigot: DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR / I HEAR / I HEAR spigot: THE PRICKS / THE PRICKS / AND ALSO YES THE DICKS spigot: THEY'RE POKING RIGHT IN MY FACE / THEY ARE POKING RIGHT IN MY FACE deuce: T SPIGOT THAT'S NOT WHAT WHITNEY HOUSTON SANG spigot: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE NEEDS TO MAKE FUN OF GAYS

spigot: BUG REPORT !!! IT ACTUALLY SAYS PRINTF ("SPIGOT SUCKS COCK") I CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE IN THE PROGRAM CODE

spigot: I'M SPIGOT spigot: HUH BLUP spigot: BLUH

spigot: I ONCE / SEEN A PICTURE spigot: SEEN A PICTURE / SEEN A PICTURE deuce: I PAID TO SEE WAYNE NEWTON (THROWING SHIT)

: SPIGOT APPEARS IN A POOFY CLOUD OF GAY FATNESS spigot: I SERIOUSLY NEED A Q-TIP spigot: I HAVE TO GO NOW

spigot: CLEAR spigot: ABHABLHALBHALBHLAHBLAHHBLA spigot: JESUS CHRIST OUR PRECIOUS ART AND FURNITURE AND CLOTHES AND TAPESTRIES ALL STUFFED INTO A BOX AND SOLD TO THE NAZIS FOR WINE AND PORNOGRAPHY

: Spigot the Bear will not be seen tonight. Instead, we bring you this episode of Jerkcity featuring "Pants". Enjoy! pants: WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST FOR MUTUAL MASTURBATION pants: OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING

spigot: SMILE!!!!!!!! spigot: *BONK* BEER BOTTLE spigot: *BONK* DIGITAL CAMERA

spigot: THE PERP HAD BONGHITS IN HIS SYSTEM, YOUR HONOR pants: I WAS THINKING WE COULD NAIL OUR PRICKS TO A CROSS deuce: RIGHT pants: BUT NOT THE SAME CROSS (DON'T WANT TO BE GAY) spigot: HEY deuce: JUXTAPOSED PRICKS I THINK IS THE SCIENTIFIC TERM pants: PRICKS AT RIGHT ANGLES deuce: SKEW ORTHOGONAL PRICKS spigot: SHUT UP YOU'RE RUINING SPIGOT THE BEAR

spigot: I CAN'T SPEAK FOR EVERYONE BUT I LIKE TO CARRY MY DICE AROUND IN A POUCH

deuce: TONIGHT ON SPIGOT THE BEAR spigot: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP !!! DOWN ON THE GROUND, PUNK pants: SPIGOT THE BEAR WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES spigot: OH THANK GOD A SMOKE BREAK HUALGHUAHALG DICKS HULAGHLUAG spigot: UP AGAINST THE WALL DIRTBAG !!! NOW CUFF YOURSELF TO THIS RADIATOR atandt: AND NOW BACK TO SPIGOT THE BEAR

deuce: WE HAVE A RUNNER spigot: EVERYBODY RUNS

pants: SIGN MY PETITION TO FORCE NBC TO RENEW SPIGOT THE BEAR FOR ONE MORE SEASON AND ALSO WHY ISN'T IT ON ITUNES

spigot: PLEASE TELL ME THERE ARE BONERS HERE spigot: OKAY POP A COCK IN YOUR FAT FACE AND SHUT UP spigot: LATER DIPSHITS

spigot: NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY

spigot: HAVE I SMOKED SO MUCH DOPE THAT I ONLY *THINK* I'M ENTERING JOKES

spigot: OK CHIEF HERE'S THE SCENE: WE GOT TWO DEAD FAGGOTS IN THE BACKYARD spigot: BOTH ARE WEARING PINK PANSY DRESSES AND LIPSTICK spigot: FOUR DEAD FAGGOTS IN THE GARAGE spigot: LOOKS LIKE THEY CHOKED TO DEATH ON THEIR OWN QUEERNESS spigot: AND A BUNCH OF DEAD FAGS IN THE LIVING ROOM spigot: WE'RE NOT SURE HOW THEY DIED spigot: WE KNOW IT INVOLVES SUCKING DICK spigot: GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME LIEUTENANT

spigot: THERE'S NOTHING PERVERTED OR GAY ABOUT ME WANTING TO OPEN A BOUTIQUE deuce: UNNNNNGH spigot: IT'S A COCK BOUTIQUE WITH LITTLE BOWS AND RIBBONS BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK spigot: LITTLE HATS AND COSTUMES FOR THE PUPPET SHOW I PUT ON EVERY MORNING spigot: MMM HURBLE BURBLE LOOK AT ME ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL spigot: I SURE AM GAY spigot: TIME FOR COCKS spigot: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM BAM BAM BAM THIS IS NO DREAM

spigot: WELCOME SPIGOT'S BURGERS!!!!!!!! spigot: T PANTS DEUCE WILL SQUEEZE THE BURGERS AND EFFIGY WILL GRILL THE BURGERS AND YOU CAN SERVE THE BURGERS!!!! AND IT WILL BE CALLED SPIGOT'S BURGERS spigot: MORE BEER FOR ME BUT FIRST SEVERAL BONGHITS

spigot: THE WEATHER STARTED GETTING ROUGH / MY TINY DICK WAS LICKED spigot: IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE OF THE FEARLESS CREW / I AM A DICKLICKER

spigot: I SERIOUSLY NEED A SPILL-PROOF MUG IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE JERKING ME LIKE THAT deuce: SUFFER IN SUCKING

deuce: I'M YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE deuce: HOWEVER I'M REALLY SHIT AT IT deuce: I JUST TELL YOU TO SET FIRES AND PUNCH COPS

deuce: I'M YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE deuce: HOWEVER I'M REALLY SHIT AT IT deuce: I JUST TELL YOU TO SET FIRES AND PUNCH COPS

spigot: UH spigot: I DON'T spigot: THAT IS TO SAY

pants: GULP ME DOWN pants: THEN SPIT ME BACK UP pants: GARGLE WITH ME IS WHAT I'M SAYING deuce: YOU ARE INDIGESTIBLE

pants: THE LORD LIVES AT 0,0 deuce: NO THAT'S WHERE THE WUMPUS IS pants: I'VE FOUND THAT HE MOVES AROUND deuce: NOT THIS TIME (HE BROKE HIS ANKLE) pants: AWWWW YEAH WE'RE GONNA SPITROAST HIM

pants: EVERYBODY DRINK A LOT OF WATER AND BRING A DIXIE CUP pants: MEET ME IN THE PARKING LOT NEAR PAYLESS pants: WE CAN SPLASH EACH OTHER SILLY WITH WARM SALTY GOODNESS

pants: SPLASH MOUNTAIN WILL BECOME DEUCE'S SHITS, BASED ON THE ANIMATED FILM “THE PRINCESS AND THE HOLLOW LOG STUFFED WITH POO BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WHERE ELSE TO PUT IT,” WHICH FEATURED THE COMPANY'S FIRST BLACK PRINCESS. spigot: E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES GOES BEHIND THE LOG pants: SPOILER: MORE POO

spigot: splish splash / i was sucking a dick

atandt: FLUSH pants: PLOP SPLUT pants: SOMETHING WRONG HERE pants: SOME MANNER OF EMERGENCY atandt: SPLUT BAD

pants: OH GOD POO EVERYWHERE spigot: EVEN THE TOILET BOWL ???????

spigot: HURRRRRRRR SQUATS AND REPS AND LIFTS AND SPLUTTERY SHITS pants: OATS 'N SQUATS / OATS 'N SQUATS pants: BUT I pants: OATS 'N SQUATS pants: OKAY

spigot: SPOILERS FOLLOW: spigot: ... spigot: ... spigot: ... spigot: ... spigot: ... spigot: ... spigot: COCKS

spigot: QUIET WHILE I READ TOM CLANCY'S FORCE OF POKING spigot: SPOILERS !!! spigot: I'M A FAG deuce: T SPIGOT THAT'S NOT MUCH OF A SPOILER SIR

pants: BLUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH pants: SHUFFLING SOUNDS FROM THE HAUNTED STALL pants: DARE I INVESTIGATE

spigot: WHO YA TALKIN' TO SPIGOT spigot: A SPOOKY FONT SPELLING OUT THE TITLE OF THE FILM: spigot: H T M L

deuce: I AM SO GAY I SEE SPOTS bung: WHAT COLOR (TESTING FOR GAYNESS) deuce: SOME KIND OF PINK OR FUCHSIA bung: YOU'VE GOT GAY

deuce: DING DONG pants: SPRAY ME WITH WATER SO I CAN GROW

pants: A RED X ON ONE OF YOUR EYES, NEVER CONSISTENT, EVER PRESENT pants:HELP ME PUT POO BACK INTO MY BOTTOM pants: USE THE GOOD TOWELS

atandt: PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL UNTANGLE THESE EXTENSION CORDS

pants: GIVE ME A DOLLAR spigot: ONE MINUTE TWO MINUTES THRRRRRRRRRRRRR SPRINT SENSE HURTS pants: HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR spigot: MY BATHROOM pants: RUGBURN ON MY FOREHEAD PEOPLE THIS SUCKS

spigot: T DEUCE I DRINK SAPPOROOUT OF CANS BECAUSETHE CANS ARE MAGNETICAND CAN STICK RIGHTTO MY TILTED EASEL deuce: T SPIGOT SO HOW DOES THATEXPLAIN ALL THE SQUIGGLY DICKSBOUNCING AND SPROINGING

spigot: URF HURF OOF OW HONK DUH SPURTING pants: THE MERRY-GO-ROUND BROKE DOWN

spigot: BOOBS spigot: BALLS pants: GO ON spigot: COCKS pants: YES spigot: NUTS pants: ALL RIGHT spigot: I'M EXHAUSTED pants: THAT'S OKAY pants: YOU DID YOUR PART pants: AND YOU DID IT WELL pants: BUT NOW IT'S UP TO THE REST OF US

spigot: OLIVER STONE'S SNOWDEN (2016) JUST INFORMED ME SQL INJECTIONS AND MALWARE WILL TEAR OUR COUNTRY APART IN CYBERSPACE pants: WHEREAS JASON BOURNE (2016) INFORMED THAT SQL COULD BE USED TO CORRUPT A DATABASE

deuce: ] deuce: DICKS spigot: T DEUCE THE DICKS MUST BE ENCLOSED WITH THE SQUARE BRACKETS (THANKS)

spigot: URF YOU KICKED ME SQUARE IN THE FRUITABLES spigot: HOLY BALLS AND GAYS spigot: YOUR PARTICIPLES AREN'T THE ONLY THING DANGLING

deuce: PLEASE KICK ME SQUARE IN THE FUCKING HEAD pants: MY FAG FEET ARE MUCH TOO FRAGILE, I WOULD ONLY HURT MYSELF

spigot: YOU ARE POKING ME SQUARE IN THE MOUTH!!!!! spigot: AND YOU SIR ARE POKING ME SQUARE UP THE REAR END!!!! spigot: I'M LIKE A CHICKEN ON A ROTISSERIE spigot: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR spigot: WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR spigot: AM I DONE spigot: WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

spigot: T PANTS WILL YOU GO ON GOLDEN POND WITH ME pants: T SPIGOT THAT SOUNDS TOO MUCH LIKE ME SQUATTING IN THE TUB WHILE YOU GUSH PISS DOWN ON ME pants: T SPIGOT WHAT TIME spigot: PUHHHHHHHHHHHH HUHHHHHHHHHHH PUHHHHHHH

: Don't get too close. He's seriously considering you as a fucktoy. deuce: MY PENIS DOESN'T WORK !!! deuce: WHEN I HIT IT WITH A HAMMER IT DOESN'T SQUEAK ANYMORE

spigot: SOME CAR OUT THERE NEEDS A NEW FAN BELT pants: THOSE ARE CRICKETS spigot: WELL THEY ALL NEED NEW FAN BELTS

pants: CHOP ALL OF OUR HEADS OFF deuce: ALREADY SEVERED pants: SOMEHOW STILL YAPPING deuce: MOUTH STILL MOVING, GOES SILENT IMMEDIATELY, STILL SOMEHOW JUST AS ANNOYING pants: SQUEAKING NOISES

spigot: you don't squeeze my nuts during blowjobs anymore pants: maybe instead one could put the succ into succulent (say aloud in ed kemper voice) spigot: you must have ballzheimers pants: from now on just say everything aloud as kemper

spigot: SQUEEZE MY NUTS AND PRICK AND MAKE A HONKING NOISE spigot: SIR CAN I BREAK UP THE SET AND JUST GET THE FEB 96 HUSTLER AND THE AUG 97 BARELY LEGAL spigot: SIR BEHIND THE COUNTER

pants: BUHHHHHHHHHH atandt: HUHHHHHH pants: SQUEEZE pants: THE atandt: HEY pants: ORANGE pants: JUICE atandt: QUIT IT

spigot: HI I'M JOSEPH AND THIS IS MY TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT deuce: OSTRICH NUTS spigot: WHAM BAM BAM BAM HOLY GOD POUNDING MY NUTS INTO THE SAND deuce: "OSTRICH" IS A FUNNY WORD deuce: IT REMINDS ME OF "PUSHING AND PUNCHING YOUR SQUEEZY BOUNCY NUTS INTO ANOTHER WORLD"

spigot: i am absolutely using squibs under my shirt for my next all hands spigot: any questions spigot: BLAM BLAM BLAM spigot: and then i wanna do a big gay GURK!!!!!!!!!!!! and flop over spigot: can you guys believe i was assassinated just now

pants: IS THIS A HANDJOB deuce: SPLURK SPLUT SQUIP NOPE SQUIRP SPLURP SPLUP

spigot: PLEASE MOVE SO I CAN TINKLE deuce: OCCUPIED spigot: * * SPLOOSH * * OH GOOD LORD MY CELLULAR SMARTPHONE FROM VERIZON WIRELESS deuce: SQUIRP spigot: GOD DAMNIT ALL deuce: SQUIRRRPPPTHPPPTHTHPP TPTTHH PLGKTHGLGLOT HLGSP>G\L"{

spigot: WILL JENNA JAMESON HAVE A SQUIRT BOOTH AT THE LILITH FAIR deuce: SHE WILL JUST BLEND IN WITH ALL THE OTHER BLONDE BIG BOOBED BORINGS

pants: OBVIOUSLY THE PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT