: twitter.com/PantsAtJerkcity pants: TEAM JERKCITY WOOOOOO pants: KAFF KAFF KAFF pants: YOU OWE ME ONE (1) SLOBBERY SLOPPY NOISY BLOWJOB pants: FORM LINE TO LEFT

deuce: I'M WHACKING OFF pants: I'M VACUUMING UP deuce: WE'RE A TEAM pants: A PRETTY GODDAMN GAY TEAM IF YOU HORMPTH HUMPTH deuce: THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT WE'RE A TEAM AND WE WORK TOGETHER HOMPH HURMPH pants: DUH HUALGHLUHULAG THE CRACK PIPE BROKE HALGHLBALHLBAG

atandt: I AM A "TEAM PLAYER" deuce: I AM "GETTING A BLOWJOB"

spigot: MULTIPLE COUNTS OF CHILD MOLESTATION spigot: TEAMWORK

pants: WE WILL RETURN TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING SHORTLY pants: ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO STATE THAT I DID NOT PUNCH THE PROSTITUTE I WAS ONLY HELPING HER DOWN OFF THE STAGE : To: Staff : From: Editor : Subject: What's going on down there : : Are we off the air again? : GODDAMNIT : YOU USELESS FUCKWADS

pants: I'M PANTS deuce: I'M DEUCE deuce: ! pants: ? : PUNCHLINE OMITTED : per niaj flugantaj aŭtobusoj, vi atingos iun ajn parton de la mondo

deuce: PARTY spigot: [REDACTED] (spigot): [REDACTED] spigot: [REDACTED] deuce: WE ARE HAVING SPIGOT TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY

spigot: T PANTS HEY BECAUSE YOU spigot: KNOW THAT REMINDS spigot: ME OF A FUNNY spigot: ME OF A FUNNY spigot: ME OF A FUNNY spigot: WAI spigot: HELLO spigot: IS THIS PORT IN USE (TTY)

pants: HELP I THINK MY CAMERA IS BROKEN EVERY PICTURE I TAKE MAKES ME LOOK DOPEY AND MIDDLE-AGED deuce: DID YOU TRY THE ANTI-FUCKFACE LENS pants: YES THAT'S THE FIRST THING I TRIED deuce: DID IT REPORT A SPECIFIC ERROR pants: IT APPEARS TO BE OPERATING NORMALLY, WHEN I TAKE A SELFIE THE IMAGE SHOWS AN IDIOT FATSO INSTEAD OF ME pants: NOT SURE IF THIS HELPS BUT THE MIRRORS IN MY HOUSE HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM

pants: TECHNOLOGICALLY SPEAKING, I LOVE DICK atandt: I LIKE OZZY

atandt: CORNDOGS ARE GENDER NEUTRAL spigot: TELL IT TO THE JUDGE atandt: WE ARE WINNING THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS spigot: YOU AND WHAT ARMY atandt: PAPER OR PLASTIC SIR spigot: RE: THE FATNESS OF YOU AND HOW IT BUGS ME

pants: SHOULD I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF NOW pants: I’M READY FOR MY CLOSEUP!!!!!!!!!!! pants: TELL ME I’M PRETTY

pants: tell me about your dreams deuce: all tentacles and unicorns and upskirts

deuce: I WOULD DESCRIBE MY WANG AS BEATIFIC pants: BUT IS IT YOUR BEST FRIEND

pants: piss deuce: tell me more pants: just piss that's all deuce: very well

dick: SOMEBODY TELL ME SOMETHING GAY, QUICK deuce: I LOVE YOU DADDY dick: GAYER, PLZ deuce: DADDY LOVES ME dick: THAT'S BETTER

pants: YOU START ozone: NO YOU START deuce: GRRR ozone: 5 pants: 4 deuce: 8 ozone: 3 pants: Q deuce: OKAY I MESSED UP

pants: LEMME SHOW YOU SOME-THING pants: PLEASE EXCUSE ME BUT I GOT TO ASK: pants: WILL WIKIMEDIA TAKE PHOTOCOPIES OF MY RECEIPTS FOR HOOKERS OR DO THEY NEED THE ORIGINALS (MOSTLY BUSINESS CARDS)

deuce: I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU BUT YOU CHANGED YOUR NUMBER deuce: THEN I CAME BY YOUR HOTEL TO FIND THAT YOU'D MOVED deuce: THEN I CALLED YOUR PARENTS BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY HAVE FILED A TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER

atandt: I WILL CLOSE MY EYES atandt: I WILL VISUALIZE A BETTER LIFE FOR ME AND MY WIFE AND MY LITTLE BOY atandt: GOD DAMNIT WHY AM I MARRIED WHY TEN FUCKING CHILDREN

spigot: i'm thinking ten dicks across roughly 8 hours is not a ratio to write home about pants: the cyber

spigot: ON WINDOWS TO MAKE CERTAIN SYMBOLS YOU HOLD DOWN ALT AND SUCK TEN DICKS FOR AN HOUR, THEN LET GO OF ALT

spigot: ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION GUIDELINES pants: STOP USING TEN DOLLAR WORDS AND BE GAY WITH ME spigot: NEED $3 IN QUARTERS

spigot: do you know what i would do with ten jumbo corn dogs right now spigot: dip them in various mustards !!!!!!! spigot: then nnnggg email wired some pix

spigot: I GOT STONED AND ATE A POUND CAKE LAST NIGHT spigot: THIS IS LIKE SENDING COMEDY INTO FUCKING OUTER SPACE spigot: WELL WHEN YOU IDIOTS GET THIS IN TEN LIGHT YEARS BE SURE TO COME BACK AND SUCK MY EARTH DICK

spigot: !Pankaja spigot: !Pankajan spigot: !Pankajeet spigot: !Pankhuri spigot: !Panna spigot: !Pannalal spigot: !Panner spigot: !Panshul spigot: !Parag spigot: !Param spigot: just ten more pages and my filter will be finished

spigot: PLEASE BEAT ME OFF TEN TIMES A DAY spigot: HOOOOOOOOOOO HURRRRR spigot: THAT'S ABOUT IT

spigot: TEN WAYS WOMEN CAN MAKE STRIDES IN THE WORKPLACE !!!!!!!1111 deuce: 1. GO HOME deuce: 2. BLOW ME deuce: 3. THEN BLOW THAT ONE THERE spigot: NOTE: I WAS NOT ACTUALLY SUGGESTING WE MAKE A LIST spigot: HURMPTH BLUH STRAWBERRY PRESERVES

spigot: TEN YEARS AGO I WAS IN WIREDD spigot: F-FIFTY YEARS AGO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP NURSE

pants: WELL I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH ROOFIES FOR EVERYBODY deuce: EVERYBODY BUT YOU deuce: YOU GET TO BE AWAKE DURING THE PROCEDURE pants: I AM THE DEFACTO FONDLER spigot: IS THAT ANTIBACTERIAL HANDSOAP

deuce: WHO WANTS TO PRACTICE "ORAL SEX" WITH ME pants: CAN I USE "MY MOUTH"

spigot: T DEUCE MY TENTPOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! deuce: T SPIGOT I DON'T GET IT

deuce: UH OH, AN INTERNET BUDDY OF MINE HAS TERMINAL CANCER pants: WELL BE SURE TOLET HIM KNOW THAT2022 IS THE YEAROF DESKTOP LINUX FOR SURE THIS TIME

pants: HELP pants: HELP HELP pants: FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME atandt: WHAT NOW pants: I HAVE DONE A TERRIBLE THING atandt: RESTRAINING ORDER? pants: NO atandt: LICKED TOO MANY DICKS AT ONCE? pants: I DON'T UNDERSTAND atandt: ARE YOU HURT OR SICK pants: I REQUIRE SOME ASSISTANCE atandt: SPLAIN pants: REMEMBER THE GOTH GIRL I MARRIED ??? atandt: KIND OF pants: WELL WE NEED TO DIG A GOTH GIRL SIZED HOLE atandt: IS SHE DEAD pants: KIND OF atandt: ELABORATE pants: SHE'S CANADIAN atandt: I'LL GET THE SHOVEL

pants: why not just pop it in your mouth for a test drive, to see how you like it

unknown: piss is the best deuce: it's filled with vitamins unknown: vitamin P deuce: vitamin D for delicious unknown: D is also for deli-- oh you just said that okay

deuce: YOU ARE ALL TEXTBOOK UNEMPLOYABLE

spigot: BEATING OFF INTO A SCENTED CANDLE spigot: SORRY BUT I BE SPITTIN STRAIGHT FACT

pants: BEGINNING IN JUST A-- pants: BEGINNING IN JUST A FEW MINUTES pants: IN ELECTRO-SYNTHAMAGNETIC MUSICAL SOUND ozone: WILDLIFE SPECIALISTS CALMED LOCAL RESIDENTS SAYING THAT SUCH BEHAVIOR ON THE PART OF GORILLAS WAS RATHER UNLIKELY pants: BEGINNING atandt: THE GOVERNOR'S TROOPS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED TO THE AREA atandt: WE WILL PROVIDE FURTHER INFORMATION AS IT BECOMES AVAILABLE pants: WE'RE SORRY THAT THE WEATHER IS NOT MORE PLEASANT BUT YOU CAN STILL FIND MUCH TO SEE AND DO HERE hanford: (SCREECHES) OH BUENOS DIAS RIGHT HERE BELOW ME IS THE MAGIC GARDEN atandt: AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH TODAY IS OUR DAY atandt: THANK YOU AND WE HOPE YOU'LL BE BACK TO VISIT US AGAIN SOON pants: THANK YOU

pants: T DEUCE THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY BOY deuce: T PANTS GURGLE, SPURT

spigot: T DEUCE THANK HEAVENS FOR CHUBBY MEN deuce: GOD BLESS MY DICK

pants: CHECK IT OUT I'M HARD spigot: DOES THAT MEAN YOU CAN SMOKE DOPE IN EVERY ROOM spigot: T DEUCE DOPE IS MARIJUANA OR "WEED" deuce: I AM YOUR DOG pants: T DEUCE ALSO MARY JANE OR CRANK OR CRACK deuce: T SPIGOT THANK YOU (CONFUSED)

spigot: DEMOTED TO FIRST LIEUTENANT STABBIN deuce: FROM THIS WE CAN DETERMINE THAT STABBIN IS A SOLDIER OR A MARINE AND NOT A SAILOR

deuce: that's an awful lot of boring shit, thanks

spigot: THREE HITS TO MY SITE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: OKAY THANKS FOR THAT spigot: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ CYBERHUGZ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

spigot: SUCK A DICK spigot: thanks for the gold kind stranger

deuce: COCKS spigot: SOAKING WET THANKS TO YOU

pants: IF YOU LAID THEM END TO END I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED deuce: THE FIRE DEPARTMENT DOESN'T REALLY GET CATS OUT OF TREES BELIEVE ME pants: PEOPLE EITHER FOR THAT MATTER pants: THE WORST THANKSGIVING EVER

: An error has occured. To contur : Press Enter to return to Windows : Press CTRL+ALT_DEL to restart yc : you will lose any unsaved inforn : Error: 0D : 014F : 00007E57 : Press any deuce: ALSO FOR GOD'S SAKE STUFF A COCK DOWN MY GULLET spigot: HAPPY THANKSGIVING deuce: GLURK

deuce: I AM ALL READY FOR HUGE FAT AMOUNTS OF DICKSUCKING TOMORROW deuce: what do you mean turkey

pants: MAVIS BACON TEACHES HANDJOBS deuce: WITH THAT BEAMING SMILE pants: WHAT A WHORE deuce: DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MS. BACON THAT WAY deuce: I'M A QUANTUM SUPERPOSITION OF TWO STATES: |GAY> + |FAG>

deuce: OKAY MAYBE FAILURE IS AN OPTION pants: CHECKING THAT BOX

pants: NO SUCH THING AS A JERKCITY GIFT CARD ??????? THEN WHAT THE HELL MAN WHAT THE HELL pants: SWEATPANTS + LED ZEPPELIN T-SHIRT = TRY AND KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF pants: HURRRRRRR CAN YOU SMELL THAT BUTTERY WARM FRAGRANCE THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF JIZZ AND, UH, CINNAMON FOR SOME REASON

pants: why can't you and I beat each other off normally deuce: because that doesn't sell the goose

pants: WHAT ABOUT THAT DOORBELL spigot: DING DUH

spigot: WHAT DO WE WANT????? spigot: BIG DICKS spigot: WHEN DO WE WANT THEM????? spigot: OOP, DID NOT THINK THAT FAR AHEAD

: Net (pictured left) first appeared in Jerkcity #150 (1999). Pants (right) first appeared in Jerkcity #2 (1998). They have been trapped here ever since. net: AGGRESSIVE DICKS pants: THE BEST KIND net: PUSHING ON YOU pants: NO REGRETS

pants: HOW DO YOU SPELL GUACAMOLE deuce: I THINK YOU GOT IT deuce: ARE YOU WRITING A SHOPPING LIST ?!?!? OR ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TIPS ON GIVING HEAD SOUTH OF THE BORDER pants: ACCORDING TO WEBSTERS IT IS GUACAMOLE deuce: T PANTS WHO CARES ABOUT THE SPICK WORDS (EVEN THE ONES YOU EAT) pants: T DEUCE TRUE BUT SINCE I SUCK SPICK DICK FROM TIME TO TIME I MIGHT AS WELL LEARN THE LANGUAGE !! COCKSUCKAMOS ?????????????? (WE ALL YOU GET THE IDEA)

spigot: HAND ME THE BINOCULARS SO I CAN ZOOM IN ON THAT GUY'S BASKET spigot: HURF spigot: BLUH

pants: STEPHEN FRY IS ACTIVELY BATTLING PROSTATE CANCER deuce: WITH WHAT A BROOMSTICK

spigot: I AM FLOPPING BOTH MY PANTS POCKETS OUT AND ASKING YOU TO KISS THE BUNNY ON THE NOSE atandt: THAT IS NO BUNNY atandt: THAT'S A BIG PINK ELEPAHHHAAHURRRRR I'M GEORGE OF THE JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU atandt: HELP spigot: GET THAT MAN AN ICE COLD PRICK

spigot: CAN SOMEONE REMIND ME WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF GAMES? pants: ESCAPE FROM REALITY (IE: FAT, GAY, RETARDED) spigot: THAT IS PORNOGRAPHY

pants: HELP HELP MY GIANT AMERICAN PENIS WANTS TO PISS ON THE FLOOR BUT THAT WOULD BRING SHAME TO MY FAMILY

pants: BUNNIES LIKE DICK (I CAN PROVE THIS) pants: T DEUCE IS THIS YOUR BUNNY (IN YOUR BUNNY CAGE) deuce: NO IT'S MY WANG pants: AWESOME deuce: PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE CAGE

spigot: T PANTS YOU PROMISED DONGS AND BONGS AND BURGERS, INSTEAD I HAVE BEEN HELPING YOU PULL WEEDS FOR FORTY FIVE MINUTES pants: I EXPECT THAT KIND OF NONSENSE FROM THE CHING-CHONGS AND THE HOO-BOOS AND THE HURRR-DUHS pants: HEY GUYS I'VE ASKED YOU ALREADY TO PLEASE REFER TO ME AS "MANGALORD" IN BOTH E-MAIL CORRESPONDENCE AND IN MEATSPACE

pants: AbstractQueueable looks like AbstractQueerable and that makes me uncomfortable deuce: all over an AbstractSquirtable

pants: WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME WITH THAT MALLET deuce: NO REASON pants: BUT

deuce: I LIKE DICK deuce: ALSO: I *LICK* DICK spigot: THAT ONE LETTER MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND YET NO DIFFERENCE

pants: THAT ONE THERE pants: GET HIM pants: HE'S SLIPPERY pants: CAN'T HANG ON pants: HOLY GOD pants: OFER pants: ROM CHECK OK pants: GAME OVER

pants: T SPIGOT WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT NO COCKS AFTER 10PM pants: T SPIGOT OH SORRY I THOUGHT YOU WERE THAT OTHER GUY pants: T DEUCE WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT NO COCKS AFTER 10PM

deuce: A SHOE TO THE NUTS IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH dick: A PENNY SAVED IS ONE LESS DICK I'VE GOT TO SUCK THIS WEEK pants: 10% OFF BORDERS, STARBUCKS, WHITE CASTLE, THAT ADULT BOOKSTORE THAT SMELLS LIKE SEMEN, THAT OTHER ONE TOO pants: HALGHULAHGLUAG BLBLBLBLB BEATING OFF TO WOMEN'S PRISON DOCUMENTARIES NARRATED BY BILL KURTIS BAGHALG GHLAUBGLAHBG

deuce: "AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA," COMMENTED TERI WEIGEL spigot: WHY CAN'T YOU CUT THAT POOR GIRL A CHECK deuce: SHE WON'T FUCKING LEAVE deuce: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" IN THE BACKGROUND

pants: all men are pervs deuce: that's untrue and to prove it I'm going to rub my dick in your face spigot: lol at that sagging air mattress pants: cross-referencing and sorting all the times i groped on things, got groped on

spigot: GOD SAID IT / I SUCKED ON IT / THAT SETTLES IT

spigot: GOTTA SAY I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THOSE GAY THEMES pants: THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER CLICK THROUGH spigot: MAYBE "THAT SIDE OF THE MALL" SHOULD STAY CLOSED

spigot: WHERE ARE MY FUCKING AWARDS?!?!?!?!?!? spigot: WORKING LATE INTO THE NIGHT AND TILL NOON THE NEXT DAY DRAWING DICKS AND DONGS AND I GET NOTHING spigot: SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM AND THAT SOMEONE IS EVERYONE

deuce: MOTHERFUCKER spigot: THAT IS NOT THE SORT OF LANGUAGE I EXPECT FROM A WEB DEVELOPER

spigot: ALSO YOU'VE BARELY EVEN LOOKED AT MY BALLS spigot: EITHER ONE spigot: WIPE THAT SOUR-GRAPES LOOK OFF YOUR FACE AND GET SMOOSHY

uncredited green dinosaur: T DEUCE THAT THING uncredited green dinosaur: THAT THING IS HAPPENING AGAIN uncredited green dinosaur: T DEUCE I'M SERIOUS uncredited yellow dinosaur: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS fucking faggots uncredited green dinosaur: IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN uncredited orange dinosaur: HGLHLAHLAG uncredited orange dinosaur: SHUT UP uncredited green dinosaur: NO I'M SERIOUS uncredited orange dinosaur: I'M TRYING TO JERK uncredited orange dinosaur: splork splut jizzy

spigot: ate a burrito, then a second burrito spigot: it feels like two prestologs in my tummy spigot: no sympathy ??? spigot: fine, doing poos on your laptop and waffle-ironing it shut spigot: really eyeballing that third burrito

pants: DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT TIME IN THE TOILET deuce: WHICH TIME (CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC)

hanford: BHLEUBH$LBH(%*) hanford: I SAY AGAIN @$ISFMN$ hanford: HOO spigot: THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE

spigot: I'M "CLAMPED" BETWEEN YOUR "ASS AND LEGS" deuce: WHIRR

deuce: T PANTS IF I FEED YOU PUPPY CHOW WILL YOU GROW UP TO BE A STRONG BOY pants: T DEUCE I WILL BE A FAT BLOB deuce: T PANTS THAT WILL ALSO SUFFICE

pants: CAN'T YOU JUST BE A PENGUIN I CAN RUN UP TO AND FUCK (WITHOUT FLYING AWAY) pants: WHERE I GREW UP THE PENGUINS WOULDN'T SQUAWK OR BITE THEY FUCKING LOVE IT AND FORM A SINGLE-FILE LINE deuce: THAT WAS A DREAM pants: HOLD STILL ANYWAY

spigot: I'M A VAMPIRE deuce: ME TOO deuce: OKAY THAT WOULD BE COOL I GUESS spigot: WE CAN BE FAGGOTS spigot: LOVE deuce: GLUG

spigot: I'M A VAMPIRE deuce: ME TOO spigot: WE CAN BE FAGGOTS deuce: OKAY THAT WOULD BE COOL I GUESS spigot: LOVE deuce: GLUG

spigot: I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, BUT I'M HERE pants: S-SHOULD I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF OR pants: NO THAT WOULD BE WRONG

deuce: SURE IS QUIET NOW THAT PANTS GOT PREGNANT

deuce: THAT YOU HAVE DIABETES IS FUCKING FUNNY

deuce: EAT SHIT FUCKFACE pants: T DEUCE LANGUAGE

pants: BIG DICKS deuce: TELL ME MORE pants: THAT'S ABOUT IT

spigot: SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO JERK OFF TO CHUBBY MEN AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT spigot: I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION

spigot: IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU LICK DICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: :SATELLITE: :SATELLITE_ANTENNA: ACTUALLY I'M RECEIVING REPORTS THAT'S ALL YOU CAN HEAR spigot: THE BACKGROUND RADIATION IS 100% DICKLICKING SOUNDS

spigot: WHEN YOUR MOUTH / CHOKES ON DICK / LIKE A BIG FUCKING PRICK spigot: THAT'S AMORE spigot: WHEN YOUR DONG'S / GETTING LONG / AND IT'S STUCK IN THE BONG spigot: THAT'S AMORE spigot: SERIOUSLY I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER

spigot: OH I UNDERSTAND spigot: FOR EVERY ONE THAT GOES IN MY MOUTH spigot: I GET TWO POKED UP MY BIG FAT ASS spigot: THAT'S FAIR

spigot: DISNEY TO REMOVE COSBY STATUE spigot: WELL THAT'S JUST

deuce: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM THAT'S MY HEAD WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM HELP ME spigot: EAST BAY SPURTS / NORTH VALLEY SQUIRTS